Craving normality

[2kittens]

Hi all,

I’m 6 weeks post single mastectomy and axillary node clearance. It was successful and they removed all the cancer. Physical recovery going as expected, doing some extra physio for cording but it’s all ok in the grand scheme of things. I went back to work on a phased return after 3 weeks. I work from home so it’s doable.

The past week I started driving again, it’s taken me a while to feel confident enough to, and have been able to regain some independence. Brilliant! Yesterday I took myself off to the garden centre, one of my happy places, and instantly felt the calm of being there and just doing something normal. I treated myself to a couple of bits and stopped off at the supermarket for 1 item on my way home. I was so happy! I had gone out on my own, I’d done something for me which wasn’t cancer related. Life felt kind of normal.

But, by the time I got home I was exhausted. Exhausted to the point of not managing all of my lunch as I was too tired to eat, I actually had a nap on the sofa (and I’ve not napped once since my surgery), and was neither use nor ornament for the rest of the day. This morning I’ve woken up still feeling really tired. 2 hours of normality have wiped me out.

I know it’s really early after surgery, but I was so hoping to fit in a smidgen of normal life before I start chemo. I’ve got a colonoscopy coming in 2 weeks because a CT showed thickening on my bowel so have diet restrictions starting in 5 days, followed by the awful prep and then the procedure followed by one of the awful waits that we’re all so used to.

I found the lump 4 months ago and I’m just fed up of life being ruled by cancer. By my body being ruled by cancer treatment.

I don’t know what I’m asking for, noone can make it be normal or reach to a point where I’ve accepted my new normal, but I’ve got a 12 year old & a 10 year old. My partner is fantastic too. I just want normality for them too. I wanted my children to have a normal life, not one where mummy’s body means life isn’t fair.

This may be tmi for some, but I miss being normal in bed with my partner too. We’ve been able to be intimate again but I just don’t feel like me, and understandably it’s different for him too, but I just want normal.

I want my old, boring, normal, lovely, calm, predictable life back. I want normal back.

[normsgirl]

Hi 2kittens,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time. You have been through a lot more than me, I had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy but didn’t need chemo. I also don’t have children to consider so I had the luxury of taking time to recover and listen to my body with no pressure from anyone else to go beyond what I felt I could do.

Your surgery is still very recent and I remember post surgery fatigue lasting quite a while. Like you, I was really pleased to get out in the car but learned very quickly that I had to seriously pace myself. A trip to the supermarket wiped me out to the point that I was worried about being able to concentrate on my driving! Perhaps go out with a friend but let them drive? I tried get out for a walk most days but for several weeks I had to go back to bed for a few hours in the afternoon. Bit by bit, it did get better. It’s very frustrating, but you really need to be patient with yourself. Remember, it takes around 10 weeks for your internal sutures to heal. Your body has had a severe shock and is using all its energy to heal. You’re also on a massive emotional rollercoaster and that takes its toll.

I wish you all the best with your recovery. I’m not sure we ever truly get back to normal, I’m going on one of Breast Cancer Now’s ‘Moving Forward’ courses soon to help with that. I’m also about to go back to work so I’m hoping that will bring a greater sense of normality.

Please take very good care of yourself. Sending love. Xx

[rainbowbrite10]

Hi @2kittens ,

Your post pretty much sums up exactly how I feel at the moment!

I had 6 months of chemo followed by a mastectomy and SLNB in August last year,And I am still waiting to feel normal

I am still getting the occasional tightness following surgery and still have a slight seroma,which restricts my movement at times,I am having herceptin injections every 3 weeks and am taking tamoxifen,So this is having an effect on my fatigue levels and stopping me from getting back to my usual level of fitness etc,I am trying to be kind to myself,But sometimes I just think “I want to be back to normal”…..Whatever normal now is!

I also fully understand what you said about intimacy,I feel ok with being with my partner,But the mix of herceptin/tamoxifen makes it quite painful,Which is obviously an issue and nothing seems to be helping at present!

I think life after cancer treatment is a mixed bag,And takes time to get back to what we would consider normality!

Sending Love

[Tili]

Dear @2kittens, congratulations to you, you have done so so well after all your treatment, and trying to carry on with you lovely little family.

Firstly, I would say one day at a time, it’s very early days at the the moment, your body had taken a big toll, please be kind to yourself, I can remember this time only to well, we all run before we can walk.

I think time to slow down a little bit, I know you want to get back to normal, however slowly does it.

Wishing you health and happiness going forward. With the biggest hugs

Tili

[meg82]

Hi @2kittens

So much about your post resonated with me, I too have 2 daughters aged 9 and 13 and although they are aware of all of my diagnosis and treatment, trying to be the Mum I was before all of this is even more exhausting.

It’s so hard trying to continue as we were but I have now recognised I need to slow down and accept a slower pace, even if just whilst on treatment. This then allows for some busier days and prevents burn out or approaching treatment whilst already exhausted.

My energy levels just aren’t what they were and this frustrates me most days, but I also know the cause which softens it slightly. I’m not sure what feels “normal” any more

You’ve done so well getting back to work so soon but make sure it’s not too soon or too much whilst you recover.

Some health matters really do need time off and time to recover and rest, especially after such big surgery and whilst mid treatment.

I’m only just in the process of going back to work after 7 months but frustratingly feel less energy and have more side effects this month than the previous 3, which makes sense but makes the return more daunting.

My journey started with single mastectomy 3 weeks after results, followed by 3 weeks Radiotherapy and I’m now 4 months into Ovarian zoladex suppression and 3 months on Ribociclib and Letrazole. The interrupted sleep from hot flushes at night doesn’t help restore anything!

My journey was further rocked by losing my Mum to cancer 3 weeks post my own surgery so my absence from work is also prolonged following that and is a bit of a mash up of all of life’s horrible hurdles.

A Cancer diagnosis is so hard to navigate.

I’m on a ‘day at a time’ motto, and allowing yourself to feel delicate some days.

My partner is so positive about my body but I do find it difficult some days. I miss my previous boobs and having two nipples!

I may even feel more comfortable if they matched and I had two implants and no nipples at all!

Remember to be kind to yourself x x