Hi not sure if this is the right place but i need some support right now.
My mom was told she had seconderys last sept and would be lucky to live another 12 months,its been hard enough to come to terms with her diagnosis ( i beat breast cancer this year )but now my dad is acting so strange,my parents had a young girl move in next door who has slight learning disabilitys and my dad has taken it upon himself to help her out by sorting out her finances,decorating and sorting out the rooms full of the compulsive buying she has been doing,(think of aggey and kim),not so bad your thinking but mom has clearly deteriated over the last 2 months and the fact that dad is spending more time next door is clearly getting to her and me and my sisters,i had a few words with my dad to day and all hell broke out,im so angery and upset i do not know what to do.
Hi
I don’t really know what to say. It is very hard on you all and men often don’t cope very well and so remove themselves from the situation. I think he must be finding it hard to see your mum ill.
Women tend to get stuck in and help do what needs doing, men go do something else.
When I ws having my treatment my husband would go out with friends when I couldn’t even get out of bed. Not much help sorry I’m sure someone else will have more to say
Louise
Hi Bluebell
How difficult for you and terribly upsetting. Sometimes people cope by distracting them with something else which sounds like what your Dad is doing.
I think you did the right thing speaking to him about it although you don’t want huge arguments all the time. Were you perhaps rather accusatory? He may be struggling to cope underneath and taken this questioning badly?
Perhaps he feels helpless to do anything for your Mum so is doing stuff for the girl next door because he can?
Could you all talk together as a family and say how you feel and discuss with your Mum what she wants from all of you. If your Mum has a nurse that is involved, could you talk to her about how you feel.
You may not be able to do anything about your Dad’s behaviour. It might be finding a way for you to do what is best for you and your Mum that doesn’t leave you all so upset.
take care and a big hug to you
Elinda x
HI bluebell, so sorry to hear about your situation. When my mum was dying of cancer my dad basically absented himself or was around the place behaving like a kid who no one was taking notice of so he’d throw wobblers. In the end , after she died, he was able to say how terrified he had been of loosing her and how he hadn’t felt capable of looking after her so he just took what little control he could and lived his own little independent life for a while. Incredibly upsetting for my mum and rude and etc etc. So, as Elinda says, if you can get to what is really going on it might help, or he might just have to tread his path for a while and you yours.
bw Nicola
what the others have said really: men like to do things, so he is doing stuff for this person next door because he can. Maybe the solution is to find something he can do for your mum e.g. does she like books on CD? he could buy those on-line for her. Perhaps get a smoothie maker if they don’t have one and put him in charge of preparing fruit smoothies. Anything that means he is doing something practical that you / your mum tell him needs doing.
Hello Bluebell
What the others have said is right. Your Dad feels he can’t help your Mum so he’s helping someone he can. To me that shows how much it is affecting him. I’m sorry you had the big row but maybe it has cleared the air and now you can all move forward.
I got all clear last week after five years. I suggested to OH we open a bottle of champagne and OH wanted to know why!!! Two days later I was full of cold and was brought breakfast in bed. That’s the first time in 33years. Men are feeling things, they just respond differently.
Keep talking and keep hugging.
Love from Chinook
Hi Bluebell
As the OH myself, the only person who can really explain what they are feeling is your dad, but it is difficult for a bloke to stand by and just ‘be there’. We are a very practical animal and like to be physically doing something, organising something and generally just being in control. I can imagine/empathise that to see his wife go through the physical and mental issues and not being able to physically carry the burden himself, is very tough.
The temptation of turning ourselves to something where we know we can physically see that we are helping, like your dad seems to be, gives us a warm fuzzy feeling, like we are making a difference to someone (just not necessarily the right person). My DIY and other projects suddenly took on a new gusto not so long ago, probably for that reason. What he might have failed to realise is that the ‘just being there’ and arranging small, yet significant things, does make a difference. Simply his company, his chat, his affection all mean things to our ladies, although we don’t always recognise this (possibly because, and I only take this from my own experience, we need to hear the words that we are helping by just being there, as we don’t do subtle hints or reading ladies minds 
).
As the OH, there are two ways that dealing with the issue can go. You can either stare it in the face and beat it down, or run away/distance yourself in order to prevent yourself being hurt if/when the time comes to part. Which path depends on the individual and their own energy levels.
I do not know your dad or family, but you all seem to have been through the mill. You all must be exausted, but your dad has presumably had to see your own (his daughter’s) diagnosis and treatment and his wife’s inital diagnosis and treament followed by the second diagnosis. His nerves may well be shot and I empathise with his actions, although I do not condone them. I think that persuading him to spend time with your mum and do the things like, taking her out for fresh air trips, the theatre (if your mum is well enough, but ultimately asking your mum what she wants is a definite must. However insignificant a request to us may be, the fact that your mum requests it should turn on that light bulb to us.
I really hope that things get better with your dad and my thoughts are with you and your family.
Rich
P.S. After millions of years of evolution you’d have thought we’d have sussed it out by now