Dark thoughts, tears and faith

I was diagnosed the day before yesterday and some wise words on another thread helped me to get a good night’s sleep. I held it together yesterday but I’m not so good today. I am having some very dark thoughts and tears are very near the surface all the time. I keep thinking that if, as I have heard, cancer is the body’s way of killing itself then this is the time when I was meant to die. I’m 58, I have a good career, two beautiful children and a loving husband. I am overwhelmed with grief and sadness at the thought that my time is up from a genetic point of view. My parents and my grandparents all lived longer than this so why is my genetic allocation of lifespan so short? I feel like bad luck is clinging to me and that everyone will be scared to come near for fear of catching it. Are these morbid feelings normal? How can I stop these thoughts dragging me down further?

Oh, pet! You are at the worst stage of the journey when everything is unknown … it does get better! Cancer is not the body trying to kill itself - it’s some mutated cells which we are fortunate enough to live in a time and place to have detected often before they become symptomatic. As a common condition with massive amounts of research, there is amazing treatment available. You need to ask loads of questions and if you don’t understand the answer 100% then ask again. What are your team telling you so far?

Bless you we were all here once my dear, i was just after Christmas, I coped by the lovely ladies on the helpline on here, and talking to others on here.  Unlike you i have little family i was an only child and my parents are dead. Friends have been great though My parents lived long too my mum was 82 my dad 98. in fact most of my family made old bones, I did have similar thoughts to you i have to admit,  But i talked to women i personally know who had had cancer, years ago to all atill around.  Was comforted by my breast cancer care nurse telling me if you have to have cancer breast is best, many many survive it now. A friend of mines mum had it in 40s, it came back at 80 but shes still around 5 years later.  No idea what your programme is but i had lumdectomy, 1 suspect node, all removed but clear, margins clear, no chemo and doing rads now, have never felt ill and now feel fine.  Once you get treament plan sorted you will be better, Breast cancer isnt a death sentance anymore, its just cells gone wrong, mine was probably caused by being on HRT too long.  It can be dealt with now.  Definitely reccomend talking to helpline on here, they helped me a lot,. Yes you will worry we all do and think dark thoughts, we all have, but think of the many survivors, and their are.  Keep us posted how you do,.june 

I haven’t met the team yet but I will meet my BCN on Tuesday and will get a date for surgery then. Thanks for the advice. I’m not usually this negative and needy bur this news has hit me and the family like a steam train.

Thanks - I will try to concentrate on the positives. It really helps to hear from others in the same boat. Glad to hear that you are recovering. I’ll post again on Tuesday when I know the plan.

Make sure you write down all your questions as they come to you … 4am was my “favourite” time for a busy head. I wrote mine out longhand, worded exactly how I wanted to express myself. I handed it to my surgeon, asked him to ignore the fact I was crying if I did and just to keep talking! It was a really productive appointment and actually the first of many non-crying ones! Strangely we actually ended up having a giggle about a few things!

What your feeling is what we have all been through, I had myself dead and burried from the off! I’m 46 and was diagnosed in March with grade 1 and no node involvement so my prognosis is good but until I knew all those for certain I had written myself off, I’ve a lovely life, wonderful husband, two fab sons , one who is getting married in sept and this was set to be our best year ever then bang the bomb dropped! But a few months on with op out the way and midway through radiotherapy I feel like my old self again and I was as low as it was possible to be a few months ago but you do come to terms with it and things do get better but the shock and fear you are feeling now is totally normal, don’t even try to be brave, I was sick of the damn word ,I didn’t feel it and I wasn’t going to pretend for anyone, I was scared for my life and I wasn’t putting on a brave face to make others feel better,it’s a process you have to go through but they look after you so well and keep you well informed as to what happens next and you start to get some confidence back that you can get through this, I have met some wonderful people going through the same and you realise you are not alone, every one here has been where you are and we all are happy to talk listen and advise where we can, take care , Jo xx

Jo you sound like a really strong and firstly lady with a very positive attitude. I thought I was too but I have just crumbled. I am inspired by the responses I am receiving.

Hi JennifeD

I am sorry to read that you are so worried, along with the valuable support you have found here, our helpliners are on hand with further practical and emotional support on 0808 800 6000. Lines are open 9-5 during the week and 10-2 Saturday (closed BH Monday)

Here’s a link to our just diagnosed pages where you will find more support ideas and information:


Take care
Lucy BCC

Thanks Lucy - I am just so scared at the moment. I’ve been told I am level 2 and this doesn’t sound good to me. I know I could find out on line but to be honest I find the idea too frightening even to look.