Dating and Breast Cancer!??!!

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As discussed recently on another discussion with Judy, some of us are in long term relationships, and that is a whole debate (how it work out, what kind of support is given and how HE copes). Sometimes, the relationship does not survive the illness, sometimes it makes it stronger.

Some of us, on the other hand, reach this unknown land without a partner - either divorced, separated, sometimes too young to have a life partner.
Then, we get huge scars on our bodies (I had a mastectomy, and the other side is a DD, talk about unbalance), we get a bald head for months and months - saying that we don’t feel at our best is - ahem, an understatement. To top it off, Tamoxifen, weight gain, early onset menaupause are the next stops.

Yet, do we really want to give up a romantic life, a sex life? do we have to?

In other words, when does one say “I am in treatment for breast cancer” during a polite conversation with an attractive representative of the other sex???

To put things in a more personal perspective: I have been diagnosed 2 months ago, have had a mastectomy, am now in Chemo. I am taking treatment very well, it makes me tired and of course bald, but I am still determined to make the most of when I am well. Guess what? I met someone I really like, and I can tell he likes me (well, what he has seen is a healthy person with a whole mop of hair)… I could like this guy a whole lot more - we have been put in touch by a common acquaintance before I got sick, and we’ve been mailing since. It so happen that we only met now… and now, what. I cannot pretend nothing… the realization my hair is a wig (not even mentioning anything else… :)) ) would come quite fast…

Of course, this is not my main problem. care, survival, feeling good is the most important part. But these questions are part of feeling good, are part of a good life.

So, what do you gals think???

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Lilith

Similar thoughts have run in my mind too. I am just about to hit 49, have been divorced 8 years with a couple of short term relationships since then. But it has occurred to me what the future may hold as far as meeting and creating relationships are concerned. I am due a WLE and axiliary clearance at the beginning of October. I am bald after chemo and have piled on the pounds during that part of my treatment. And then there is always the spectre of reoccurrence hanging over our heads.

I’m no way desperate to find someone as I manage more than well enough by myself. But, like you, you never know when someone you are attracted to crosses your path.

Sharon x

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Good debate this.
I’m firmly single - have been for a lot of years. I use dating sites to meet people - more intended for friendship that anything long term these days and some company. Sounds sad but it isn’t. Sites are fine if you are careful and don’t get carried away. Company for events - things I want to see but can’t do alone - works really well.
My self esteem was low before I had cancer. I have different issues from you Lilith (nice name btw) but the same concerns at the heart of things.
Last year I met someone. We met before I was dx - just. To cut a long story short he asked me to marry him and after some emotional turmoil I agreed. I wish I could say this had a happy ending - it doesn’t. We went on holiday a few weeks after our engagement when it became clear that he had not told his family and friends about me. My immediate reaction was that he was ashamed of me and my cancer. The reality is that he didn’t want his ex finding out. He simply wasn’t over her. We split of course and he has regretted it ever since. he still wants us to get back together but for me the damage is done. My immediate reaction of “blaming” cancer stayed with me.
So why am I telling you this.
Well there are a couple of reasons. Dating while you have cancer can work. It didn’t stop him feeling for me. My own already damaged self esteem contributed more to the situation than the cancer did. Also - it doesn’t stop people from being people. He clearly had issues and they were no different that they would have been had I not had cancer.
Since we split I have returned to my sites and my work related social life. When I meet people I tend to tell them about the cancer very soon. Some can’t cope with it (I have met two men who lost partners to BC and they are very hurt people) - other people cope really well with it.
I’m still single. I have one really close friend now plus a number of other good friends. In fact I would say that I have pretty much what I want. The freedom to do as I chose. Someone close to lean on. Some good close female friends and the opportunity to go out and have a good time when I want to.
I would say this - don’t let cancer hold you back. Tell the guy you like you have health issues - see how that goes down and deliver the details accordingly. Tell him you understand if he finds that hard to cope with but you hope you can stay friends at the very least. If he likes you enough he will see beyond the treatment and value you for you.
Good luck

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Lilith,

I think it’s really important to keep as many bits of yourself as you can. You do not, not, not in any way have to give up a little bit of the flirty datey game hair or no hair!
Sorry wasn’t sure - have you met him yet, or not yet and unsure whether you should tell him about the bc? I think it sounds as though you’ve really hit it off, you’re still you. Not an easy one to drop into conversation I agree, but I reckon I’d probably say something beforehand to avoid a scooby doo esque whipping of of wig ;o)…

I do agree it’s hard though as sometimes when I’ve met people who don’t know or friends I’ve not seen for ages and ages you don’t want to be the doom and gloomer and drop it onto people, but if it’s a choice of keeping it from this guy and not seeing him, or seeing him and telling him then I’d tell him.
Hope that makes sense! This is an early morning for me these days!!
xxx

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Thank you all for sharing your thoughts… It may sounds like a futile worry, but since how many years we talk about guys and boyfriends with our girlfriends? I guess that today is not really different.

As it is, I feel we all share similar concerns, if disguised under different thoughts and questions. Or at least, I recognise my worries in each of you,

Morgaine - nice name too :wink: we may have similar reading preferences… - I guess I am not unhappy single. I’ve been now since 5 years, when I separated from my ex, and never met anybody interesting - also very little time to meet anybody, with the time spent with my daughter, and my job that most of the time I really like. I have to confess that when I was DX one of my thoughts were - what now? who will ever want me now? I am now an old woman, shrivelled and waiting in the sidelines… this is of course the emotional reaction. My brain tell me - no, no, life will resume and perhaps even get more exciting once the main treatment is out of the way! Sex is of course a part of it, but even more so is companionship, intimacy, closeness… not necessarily marriage, but some kind of emotional security. I’ve turned 44 yesterday and I would not want to spend the rest of my long life alone (yeah, I am an optimist).

Lizaloo - you are right. If the choice is that, there is no doubts! then - who knows, I may figure out he is an idiot like most menfolk I’ve met in the last few years. Or not.

Sharon, thank you for your input. I guess beyond worrying for today, there is tomorrow… or rather vice-versa. I think I prefer to take care of today, hoping that tomorrow will work out for the best, as long as I don’t have anyway to act on it…

:slight_smile: hugs…

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So what are you going to do about the nice man you have met?

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:slight_smile: Morgaine… I saw him yesterday again… :))) I told him that I am having BC and treatment now, he listened, asked a few questions. I didn’t go into the op details or explain that I am wearing a wig… but it went *very well*.
we had a wonderful evening out, went to see a concert (Police was on in the area), and it was definitely such a change of pace!!! it was - ahem - quite romantic…

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Hi Lilith

I was so pleased to read down your post & see that yesterday went well!!

This was an issue close to my heart last year when dx - my boyfriend couldn’t cope & we split and I went through all the worries about how future potential boyfriends would feel / how to break the news etc. In the end I had a couple fo dates with people throughout my treatment and was fairly up front about things and the guys were not in the least bit put off. Those didn’t lead to anything but a couple of months after treatment had finished with my newly sprouting hair and my extra chemo weight still present I got together with Paul, an ex work colleague who I hadn’t seen since before dx - we’ve been together 4 months now, I told him straight away and he has been the most fantastic support to me :slight_smile:

I hope things work out for you - I know its early days but good luck!!

Sarah xx

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Hey Sarah,
I am so glad it has worked out for you, and that you are happy now. This illness comes around in the middle of one life, sometimes even earlier, and going back to life is as important as following treatment.

I really liked the comment from Lizalou, saying to keep for us as many bits of ourselves as we can!!

Hugs to all. It can be done. I think I can, I think I can…