Hi
I am 59 and 60 this year. I had lumpectomies in both 2018 and mastectomy 2019. I left my partner of 30 years last year he didnt like me with one breast and showed no feelings after op. I have moved on. Little sunny flat still working made friends happy. Then ive been attracted to a man who plays music and ive been going to see. Nothing romantic for a year but now hugging when we meet. His partner died from cancer. I still have awful neuropathy across my chest and get tired v easily. I have been making the most of myself and changed my style and wear jeans. This facade means outwardly i look well. Of course when he sees me i am rested nice clothes and make up. I find him really attractive he is 70. Ive been reading life expectacy rates and this is making me really upset. I have survived 5 years but is the clock now ticking is this when i start the downward spiral. I cried the other day and told myself i was making a bloody fool of myself. Im just sad that if cancer hadnt happened i would have really loved this relationship. Anyone felt anything similar. Thanks for reading.
What life expectancy data have you been reading @Nic1 ? Anything like Predict is based on the average of hundreds of thousands of individual stories, your story could fall anywhere on the spectrum used to find the average. Absolutely no-one knows how long each of us has left, we all fear it will be cancer that comes back to finish us off but it might be something else entirely or cancer may never come back, we just don’t know. You can’t spend your life concentrating on “what ifs” which may never come true. Give yourself a break.
Also, if you hadn’t had the cancer you might not have seen how unsupportive your partner was and would most likely still be with him because inertia set in. It sounds to me as if your confidence has taken a massive hit but tell yourself that you were strong enough to take decisive steps to change your life when it became apparent the guy you were with was not good for you AND you have faced down cancer. Now you’ve met someone who by the sounds of it will be much more sympathetic to what you’ve been through. This is a GOOD THING! Don’t look for ways to torpedo it by worrying about survival stats, that’s all they are - statistics. Let things develop organically and enjoy the process. You deserve to be happy, please don’t let hypothetical worries spoil it.
None of us really know what lies ahead of us whether you’ve had cancer or not but that shouldn’t stop us from trying to live the happiest life we can while we are here
Even with a reoccurrence there still good outcomes for most people who’ve had breast cancer . Go for it and let us know how you get on !
Hello lovely
Too many what ifs will be the devil if you let them
â—‹ Have you done the Moving Foward course offered here?
â—‹ Have you had any counselling?
â—‹ Have you got a Maggies or other support group nearby?
I love that you’ve changed your external stuff and love the new you, even if you feel its a mask …now its time to work on the internal stuff, your fears anxiety and worries and thats where the above support could help…
Talking with professionals will help, be brave and pick up the phone
And i truly hope your new man brings you a new future, forget what ifs … do what makes you happy now x
I moved things forward with him quickly. Bought sexy underwear that covered my chest. I just wanted to have sex again. What a nightmare it felt so weird that i coukdnt present him with two breasts. His ex had a 2 full breasts. Worst of all he couldn’t get into me. I screamed in agony. Went to Dr and told that my vagina has atrophied after so long with no sex and issues with having Zolodex injections and letrozole and menopause. I bought lubes and practised with a fake penis. But it really hurts. Anyway he took me to his for dinner and told me it was over. He said he could never love me like this. He had love bombed me then nothing. I still see him at events we share. He doesnt look at me. I have continued with life but cry at night. I know thats it with men. I just wish id have known that ive atrophied and i cry at the 16 years of wasted sex that could have happened with my ex. Ive got friends so will go on.
@Nic1 - first off , I’m so sorry that you were messed around by someone who sounds like he was never truly committed to much more than a bit of no strings sex … if he’d really liked you , none of this would have mattered. I know it hurts but you’ve dodged a bullet there and well done for taking the step to consider dating again x
The atrophy can be resolved . Please don’t allow your gps to fob you off … request a referal to a gynaecologist, there are vaginal dilators available too … you are only 59 and that’s far too young to give up on having a future with anyone or a sex life …
I’m 52 and had a single mastectomy last year and it certainly is hard learning to love your new body but the right person will also love you for who you are …
life expectancy is a how long is a piece of string thing . I think it’s perfectly normal after a cancer diagnosis to feel very fragile about life , realising we aren’t immortal and that in our fifties we have more life behind us than ahead of us … but … who knows ! You could live to 100 … I have had similiar wrestles with similiar intrusive thoughts but I’ve come to a point of acceptance . Most people just merrily tick through life never thinking about the time when their number is up … the one thing we just don’t know is when that will happen . You could be living your best life and get run over by a bus I. Your thirties … but up until then . You were living life .
Ask yourself this - if you were told you only had a year left to live , how would you want to spend that time ? I know I’d want to enjoy that one year to the full … so regardless of how long you have left on this planet . It’s time to to enjoy life , I don’t look at the life expectancy things because I could walk out the front door tomorrow and meteorite falls out of the sky and flattens me ! Life is a journey that ultimately , none of us are getting out of alive but none of us know when that will be and having a cancer diagnosis doesn’t automatically mean your numbers up in say five or ten years … you could still be here at 90 , that’s thirty more years … x
Arty1
Thank you so much this has really cheered me up xxx
Oh bless you
100% agree that you need to ask for help, support and a referral , do not feel that you cannot move forward
There are so many things that can help your lady bits!
And as for sex with a man at some point there are lots of lovely things other than penetration that can happen in the meantime by yourself ir with a caring gentle chap who truly takes his time
Do not give up on love and most definitely do not throw in the towel…
Thank you. Watch this space xxx
A long sexual drought, followed by someone responding to your interest ( and feeling interested) can be a heady mix. It leads to overenthusiasm and getting caught up in the thrill of it all. Regardless of recovering from cancer, people often make mistakes and pick the wrong person with hindsight after the end of a long relationship, its quite normal.
Take this as a learning experience, take the time to get to know your own body as it is, and access all available help. Ultimately, some good has come out of the situation, you’ve learnt a lot already by it, things you needed to understand about yourself.
Decide what you want out of a relationship, not what you think others may expect from you. And, yea, take it v slow, no jumping to it, take time to check that you are maintaining standards and not just responding to anyone finding you attractive. I’m in my 50’s and (flame me if you like) but no way would I find someone approaching 70 attractive. 10 years is a large gap as we age, his lifespan only gives him another 10-13 years anyway. Thats not to say that a 10 year gap if you met a while back, isn’t fine, but later on in life there are realistic things to consider and added pressures that come from it. Without a built up history together, you have more choice, choose wisely. Its a generation gap too, you are gen x, he was a boomer ( I tend to find its more common for men to hold old-fashioned sexist views the older they are, that’s probably what puts me off older men tbf).
Thank you so much. I totally agree. After ive seen him at events and talked more he is a very grumpy old man. He believes you have to be in love or married. I have defo learned from this. Im not a teenager and mature love and sex is going to be different. Attraction needed but build up to it. As you say really get to know them. Its defo been my stumbling block in the past. Find them attractive and rush in. I now know that my lady parts need some attention. He didnt pick me you see. I approached him. Every other sentence is about his ex. I am a bit sad regretful but know it wasnt right. I cant help find him attractive but from a distance. I have joined the leisure centre to give me some body confidence. I go see lots of bands with friends local stuff. I honestly give thanks for my life. Im just living it to the full with or without a man. Sending love and grateful hugs. Nic xx
I see lots of bands too, love gigs and festivals. Haven’t tried dating since diagnosis- so its been a couple of years. Before that was mostly the online path for years, but I’m done with all that now. If it doesn’t happen organically, I’m not too fussed at present ( though I still have a libido). I think quality is now uppermost for me, however, as far as I can tell, the older you get, the less the quality is available. I’m at peace with that, had plenty of fun over the years and still got menopause to get through yet, so who knows what I’ll be like the other side of that.
Ive been through menopause it was hard for me but defo a new lease of life after. Good luck with everything. Love Nic xx