Dating
Dating Hi,
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this message .
I am hoping that someone can give me some dating advice ! (I feel like a teanager !)
To let you uderstand, I am a 36 yr old divorced guy, and I have meet a wounderfull lady who is a breast cancer survivor. She had a double mastectomy and her husband left her during the treatment (several years ago).
Its early days but I REALLY like her, her cancer doesn’t bother me in the slightest. So, I hear you say ! Whats the problem.
Quite simply I don’t want to blow it !
I don’t want to treat her different and make her feel like an invalid (which of course she isn’t) but I don’t want to upset her by doing or saying the wrong thing !
I already put my foot in it on the first date ! I mentioned I enjoyed swimming and suggested that some day she might like to join me ! This is before I fully understood her mastectomy and how self concious she is .
So any advice on how to handle new realtionships .???
Thanks again
Kev 
Any friends for me???!!! Kev
You sound like an absolute sweetheart!
I’m single and it gives me real confidence to know that there are guys out there who will not be bothered by my bc once I feel like getting back onto the dating scene (still on chemo at the moment so it is the last of my worries currently!!).
As for your girl, I think I would just want to be treated as normally as possible and just be supportive of anything she still has to do. For example, she is probably still on a program of check ups so offer to be there with her when she goes for one to show her you are there for her. It also gives you an opportunity to meet the medical team still caring for her so that you both feel you are fully involved in that aspect of her life. And if you do put your foot in anything again get used to laughing it off - most of us love to be able to see the humourous side of our situation. And once her confidence grows with your relationship she may feel more able to branch out & do things she doesn’t feel ready for at the moment.
One other note of caution just picking up on your note that her husband left her during the treatment - and everyone is different so it may not apply to her but… my fella really couldn’t deal with my diagnosis and was more interested in the golf course than being with me at consultants appointments which led to me ending the relationship not long after my surgery. From this experience I think I will probably need a bit more reassurance than most that I will really be able to depend on any future partner. But as I say, she may not have this issue.
Good luck with everything, sounds like everything is going well & you are both lucky to have found on another!!
Sarah x
Good for you! Hello Kev,
What can I say? It sickens me a little when I hear about husbands and partners reacting in the way they do when their loved ones need them so.
My girl has had a mastectomy and is due to have a preventative mastectomy next year. She is a little self concious I feel, and I guess that I can try to understand, but that is all I can do, try. I am not a mind reader and would not want to patronise her by pretending that I fully appreciate how she feels, because there is no way that I can. To me, she is and always will be my centre of my universe. I think she is gorgeous and if possible, more fantastic because of this as she has shown such determination and resolve. I think that this applies to anyone who has had to deal with this.
All I would say to you is don’t try to walk on eggshells, she will know if you are and could feel like she is being treated like an invalid. If she wants to talk about it, provide an ear. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. Just remember that the most imoportant thing is to enjoy spending time together and making the most of that.
I have probably been no help, but I just wanted to say congratulations to you!
All the best.
Hubby
Kev someone being really fond of her aftrer rat’s departure would be great for your GF’s selfconsciousness and confidence. if you’re serious, and do make sure you are before going further, don’t be afraid to show it. Best wishes to both of you, dilly
Thanks Thanks for all the advice folks
You have confirmed what I thought, I should not treat her any different but I should be there anytime she needs me .
As I said she is a very special lady who I care for deeply, she has seen enough unhappyness in her life that I just want to make her as happy as I possible can.
Thanks again
Kev
Brother Hi Kev,
What a sweet man you are. My hubby left me three days after DX so I too am struggling with this dating game. Do you have an elder brother, we could go on a foursome one night?
Hang on in there
Elaine
Ex hubby Hi Sarah,
I know i should not reply hear but did not know how to get in touch with you.
My hubby left me 3 days after DX said he could not handle it!!! how does he think i can.
I thought i was the only one on this site going through cancer and a marriage breakup…
Love Elaine
Hi Kev The fact that you are on this board asking questions shows how much you care for your new girlfriend. I am a member of a US site similar to this and it saddens my heart to discover how many relationships break down because of this awful disease. All we ask is that you deal with it like a man. By that I mean that you understand that what we are going through is tough on our perceptions of our femininity and that you find ways to make us feel attractive. My fiance constantly tells me “you are so pretty, you don’t need hair.” I know it is bullshit, but it is so important to hear. He never looks at other women and never goes on about “when you get your hair back” or “what your new boobs will look like”. All he cares about (or what he makes me feel he cares about) is that I get better and live. That is so important.
I have a feeling you will do just fine. From my experience, men who “blow it” are the ones who can’t cope with their partners being sick because all the attention is taken away from them.
Good luck. Your girl is a lucky lass.
Lola
just tell her she’s lovely My bloke went thorugh a really bad denial phase when I was first dx and the relationship nearly collapsed. It’s a long distacne one which makes it hard anyway and it can be hard for partners to sort out their feelings etc. I myself wondered whetherr I wanted/could take him on this journey with me. We still find it hard to discuss that tough patch but we have to move on and once he turned round he’s done his best - he’s only human! he has not flinched at my reduced, scarred boob, picked me up off the floor when I fainted when I took a dressing off and found my nipple had dissapeared in a bloody haemotoma mess (it did reappear) went with me when I had my head shaved and tells me I am beautiful and that’s all anyone needs to do. Your lady is very lucky and so are you.
Thanks to all Hi everybody,
Just thought I would give you all an update.
I have taken everything you said on board and things are going REALLY well !
We have been out on LOTS of dates and Ive got to admit Im falling for her .
We have become really close and I have discovered that she is the most lovely person Ive ever met!
I think the cancer has given her a new view on life and has made her a very strong, woundefull person.
Thank you all for you’re advice, without it I think I might hav blown it .
Kev
Kev hope things continue and that you will both land on cloud nine. Happiness is immensely good for human beings, best wishes, dilly