Morning all,
I was dx May 4th and I am having mx this Tues, my daughter who is 22 has been extremely strong and supportive. We are very close and the whole family were really worried how she would cope with things but she was fine up until last night.
We went out together on a works party and she decided to have a drink, she has only ever drunk alchohol once before! She ended up hysterical, screaming about how much she hates bc, how much she loves me and her dad, and telling me that I must fight this. I have been laying with her all night just trying to calm her down. As an only child im worried that she will try and take everything on by herself.
Im really worried now how she is going to be next week when I have the op done and go through further treatment.
Has anyone got any advice please?
Thanks
x
I have two daughters (28&25) and they have both reacted differently.
I was diagnosed on April 4, I have had surgery and I start chemo on Tues. To start with, the eldest was very angry and she directed that anger towards me. It did not get any better when she and my son-in-law came to stay when I had my op. We had a very difficult time until the day I found her sat on the floor crying, about a week after my surgery. She felt terrible about the way she had been behaving and admitted that she was angry with the cancer not me. Her emotions are still up and down. When she calls, I never really know how she is going to feel that day.
The youngest is living in Canada, but is coming home shortly to stay with me while I have my chemo. I had to tell her when we were talking on Skype. It was a very, very difficult conversation. She went completely to pieces, and I have always seen her as the strong one. She wanted to come home straight away but I insited that she stayed there and didn’t disrupt her plans until it was clear what was going to happen in the way of treatment, etc.
I think one of the most important things to remember is that your children are your children even when they are grown. You may find yourself in the parent role again offering comfort when they are stressed and unhappy because of your diagnosis.
Also, let them help you whenever they wish. It stops them from feeling helpless. But don’t let your cancer change their life completely. Encourage them to go out with friends and do the things that they would have done before all this happened.
People are always worried about how younger children will deal with things but forget that adult children, can take this very news very badly.
Good luck with the mx on Tues.
hi,
i think your daughter may have been bottling up or denying the way she feels about it all, and she had a drink, and it all came out,
anger, fear, frustration my daughter is 12 going on 19 at one point she physically ripped her bedroom door off!!!
everyone deals with it in different ways, there are people she can talk to, but not everyone wants that,
to begin with a lot of my daughters anger was directed at me personally, a lot of ladies on here have said that too.
as well as trying to come to terms with it all yourself, you want to help your daughter that is only natural.
eventually she will calm down but everyone has to go through the emotions that this situation puts us all through.
go with it, dont fight it, it has to take its course.
you will come out the other end, it just maybe doesnt feel like it at the moment,
sending you love liz xxx
Thank you cherryorchard,
I think that as she has been so strong previously last night was like a firework! As a mother it makes me feel so helpless that she is hurting and upset for me, and that i havent any control over the bc.
It natural i know for me to want to protect her and i feel helpless.
Hope everything goes ok with your treatment.
Thank you for your message, your lucky to have 2 caring girls.
Michelle
Michelle,
I had to edit my post as I didn’t finish it before I accidently hit the send button.
If you missed it, I wished you luck with the mx on Tues. You will be just fine, I am sure.
My sympathies to you and your family. I know what you mean about having to be the comforter, but that’s what we do as parents.
When she has calmed down, see if you can have a chat with her and find out how much she wants to be involved in all of this. She might want to be kept informed about all your appointments and treatments and so on, she might even want to come along with you, which might be useful if your husband isn’t available some of the time.
You may need to suggest to her that she and her dad work together to help support you. You could even give her the “job” of supporting her dad so that she feels she is doing something useful and helpful, as relatives can feel totally powerless and helpless, so if she has something practical to do, that might help her feel les helpless in all of this.
You could even suggest she logs on here and has a chat with others in the same position as her, there are several who post from time to time who might be able to give her some pointers on how they have coped.
CM
x
Thank you Chocciemuffin,
I will have a chat later with her, i will also mention about her joining this group as i’ll explain that ive got loads of support and info from here.
Your right that she feels helpless and she has been buying me new pj’s, slippers etc for tomorrow. My hosp bag is all ready thanks to her,
Big thanks
Michelle
One of the hardest things about the whole BC experience for me was telling my children. My own mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 20 years ago and I remembered vividly how horrible I felt.
I knew my son would worry but wouldn’t say much or show it. My daughter (25) lives in London now (I am in Scotland) and I dreaded telling her. I didn’t want to tell her on the phone so I waited till she was home on a visit that, luckily, had been organised weeks before. She was very upset straight away but came to terms with things over the next day or two. I felt so sorry for her when she had to leave because one of the things that comforted me every time I started to panic about my own Mum was going to visit her and reassuring myself that she was still fine. She only lived 10 minutes drive away.
It is very hard but they do learn to cope and they come through the other side a little stronger and a bit more mature. Mine did anyway.
Hi all,
Took your advise and we talked to our daughter last night, we made a bit of a joke of the state she was in as she never normally drinks and she was already embarrassed enough.
She explained that she has been unable to cry previously, she said that she tried but she felt nothing. She also said that as she hadnt seen me upset and I carried on working she kind of followed what I was doing.
I told her that I had been angry, scared and upset, just not in front of her and she was really surprised, we had a lovely chat and a cwtch so thanks all for yor advise.
Michelle x
Her and your husband can be their own little support group, I’m sure they’ll be able to talk to each other when they don’t want to worry you with their concerns. And well done her for your PJs and hospital bag, I reckon she’ll be brilliant.