I’m so sorry for posting a real ‘woe is me’ message tonight. I’ve been in floods of tears tonight waiting for my partner to come home. I feel like a real spoiled brat - I do not want to look up at or hear that bloomin machine again tomorrow or the day after or the day after… I have 9 more ordinary sessions and then 5 booster sessions left to go. It’s not even like I’m having issues with my skin, I’m not (so far). I’m working full time, just going straight to my radiotherapy treatment first and then on into the office by 10 am each day. Everyone is treating me like normal… I have no idea why I feel so rubbish tonight, how dare I when so many people are so much worse off than me??? I have tried to give myself a good telling off, to remind myself how lucky I am to have been diagnosed so early with no lymph involvement but somehow tonight I can’t shake it off 
I wasn’t going to post this message as I really don’t feel I should but I need support from people who KNOW what I’m experiencing and who will forgive me for being pathetic. Thank you Anita
anitajane
Well this is the place to let go that is what is lovely about it, we all get each other, you are not being a spoiled brat in fact the absolute opposite my dear and I am sending you loads of squishy hugs xxx
It is the the way this takes over your life, that was what got to me that my whole life was controlled by that one apt every day. The one day I went in and the nurse asked me how I was, I burst into tears saying I didnt want to do this any more, I hated the way it controlled me life, she gave me tissues and a hug, and then we got on with it.
I think perhaps you are trying to do too much with working full time as well as doing this and everything else that you would normally do in your life. When i was having rads I only worked 3 days a week 4 hours a day, I think you need to be honest with your manager and ask that you do reduced hours whilst you are having them and realistically for 3/4 weeks afterwards to give yourself a chance.
You are not being pathetic just being totally human and I bet the people at work are in admiration of you for doing what you are
Big hugs
Helena xxxx
Thank you Helena you’re always out there bless you. I’m hoping for a better night’s sleep tonight and a more positive mood when I wake up in the morning. Good night and thanks again Anita x
Oh Anita, don’t give yourself a hard time. You are NOT pathetic! You’ve been through, and are still going through, physical treatment which assaults your body, and the emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis which hits us all at different times in this process; you are trying to work full -time through your rads and you are probably physically and emotionally exhausted. No wonder you feel rubbish. Is there any way you could take a bit of sick time, or work reduced hours? I do wonder if maybe you are overdoing it? Lady Helena will have told you all about getting loads of water into you to avoid fatigue, and that certainly helps, but I can’t help feeling that you need a bit of feet-up time too if there is any way you can arrange that with work? Take it steady girl. xxxxx
Thank you Optimissy for more kind words. I’m going to talk to my boss about leaving early from today. I think you are both right in what you are saying and because ‘nothing shows on the outside’ and I’m all ‘stiff upper lip’ (must be my stoic territorial army instincts kicking in!) then I’m carrying on as normal in a high pressure job as an Ops Director. You’ve both made me realise that I’m not superwoman and that I need to listen to my body. Thank you. To be fair to my employer they are being guided by me and are happy for me to do what I need to do. Thanks again. Anita x
PS I’m not in the TA now I hasten to add!
anitajane
You are probably tucked up in bed, but I suddenly thought about you and wondered how were getting on
Helena xxx
Hi Helena thanks for thinking of me that’s very kind. I’ve completed 12 treatments of 15 normal rads and have my planning meeting this afternoon for the 5 booster sessions which start on Monday. So I will finish my active treatment on 1st December.
My skin so far is in great shape just lightly pink but no blisters. I’ve been slapping on the organic aloe vera gel and it seems to be doing a great job.
I’ve continued to work full time. I don’t feel unwell but I do feel tired now. I’m my own worst enemy as I have total flexibility to come and go as I please but we are very busy at the moment running up to Xmas and I want to support my team as well as staying on top of my own work. My stress levels would increase massively if I let things slip or I felt my team were struggling. When I read what I’ve just written it seems madness as I’m certain I would be strongly recommending anyone else in my situation to slow down and make time for my body to get on with its job or healing unhindered by a bonkers work ethic and daily commute. Anyway I intend to finish for Xmas on Friday 15th December and not return until 2nd January during which time resting will be top of my agenda.
Thanks again for checking in on me. Have a good day Anita xxx