Hello.
I had a mastectomy 5th October and SNB which showed spread so have to have axillary clearance 2nd Nov. The doctors have hinted that I will need chemo. Much as I am worried about what is to come my 15 year old daughter is really not good about things and causing me more distress! Before my diagnosis she had started to self harm, she had counselling and seemed to be doing ok, no further harming, talking to her family etc but since my last results and planned op she has really retreated in to herself. We have seen the GP and been refered to a family centre. We are one of the most loving and suportive families she could have.It is so hard that despite my reassurances she rebels at school with silence and non engagement. Her grades are getting worse. School are helping out and trying to help.
Anyone else got any ideas or experience of this?
YES! My mum brought me and my sister up on her own and died from breast cancer when I was in my teens and my sister was 10. We moved in with my aunt, but I felt hugely responsible for her from that point onwards. She refused counselling and self harmed and went off the rails, running away from school and kept pushing me further and further away. I have been so worried and concerned for ger for as long as I can remember. She’s now in her late 20s and I’m in my early 30s and my diagnosis has caused her to go off the rails again. She has been signed off work for depression and has been selfharming again. And once again, I feel hugely responsible, and, at a time that I should be worrying about myself, I feel more worried about her. In fact, when I told my friends about my diagnosis and they all asked what they could do to help - all of my requests were about looking after my sister.
I don’t really know what to say to help - only that I can empathise with the worry. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach with worry for my sister. All I want is for her to be happy.
I guess from having been a teenager with a mum who had cancer, my main recommendation would be to be as open as possible with your daughter and try to be as approachable as possible if she has any worries or questions. By you being open, she’ll know she can be open with you when she’s ready to be. She’ll be worried and scared and I know you’ll be hurting deeply knowing that you’re the cause of many of her worries BUT life does throw cr*p at us and as much as you’d like to protect her from it, she will need to learn to be able to deal with the tough times and hopefully by being the loving and supportive family that you are - and with the additional external help - she will learn to open up and deal with her emotions in a more healthy way.
It’s really tough and you have my sympathies and hopefully you will be able to get through this as a tight family unit.
x
So sorry to hear this - but remember Mental Health problems can be physical- your daughter is , perhaps of a ‘‘type’’ that is going to have these issues - there will be a flip side - is she sensitive , talented in other ways?
Trawl through the MOUNTAINS(!) of info on the net about Anxiety. Ignore stuff associated with selling any treatment/books / snake-oil!
Some people are just anxious ( I am) and it often kicks in in Teen-age years. It’s not rocket science to deal with but if you don’t it can cause massive problems . It’s not the same as Depression.It’s about a Fear-Mechanism over working ;- Fight/Flight/Freeze .
Breathing exercises,keep fit,low caffeine / sugar,sense of humour,Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (excellent) No useful drugs sadly . Joseph Ledoux is widely recognised as the leading Expert in the Research,very interesting.
all the best with her and with your treatment.
xxR
FFS! Osprey - this is about YOU and only YOU at this time, your daughter sounds like a selfish spoiled brat! grrrr. Somebody needs to drum home to her what YOU have been through and facing ahead of YOU. You sound far to nice and probably don’t have the energy for teenage confrontation. Teenagers should not be allowed to rule the roost - my parents were very strict and I knew they were the ‘boss’ it didn’t do me any harm whatsover. Sorry to sound harsh, but I have seen far too many teenagers with namby pamby do gooders fussing around them, turn in to street yobs wrecking lives! Sorry to sound harsh - but I get very grrrr with people who don’t seem to understand what BC sufferers go through! I think your daughter needs a good talking to and hopefully realise YOUR situation!!!
Best of luck - Daysie x
Hi 1234.
I am in the middle of my chemo having had bilateral WLE And then one side axillary clearance with rads to follow so we are going through much the same path.
One of my daughters from about 14 became self destructive. Expelled from school for simply refusing to respond or do any work. We went through GP, child psych, family therapy with her raging and angry. One thing I remember is that she couldn’t / wouldn’t see that anybody else had feelings and was being hurt by what was happening I think because she was hurting so much herself. I didn’t always deal with it brilliantly but tried to be firm and make sure that we kept on loving and supporting her even if she didn’t always see it that way. She has said recently that I have given her unconditional love although it didn’t always feel like it. Now at uni (just about - she gets very cagey if I ask her about it) family relations restored in a fashion and she is happy. I haven’t had to cope with BC and daughter trauma at the same time but understand your feeling that she gives you the most stress. The BC is bl@£&y stressful but at least there is a plan to follow.
I am sure you are already getting good advice and the school sound good, just make sure you are getting support. We kept it in the family at the time and didn’t say anything as we didn’t want anyone to think badly of her but it meant that we weren’t supported and you need that a great deal at the
Hoping very much for you that it improves. Please feel free to private message me if you want to. Xxxx
Hello 1234,
I’m currently 19. At the age of 14 I started to selfharm, there was a lot of issues going on in my family life. But that often isn’t the only reason as to why us teenagers selfharm and end up depressed.
I would suggest that the closest person in your family sits her down and asks her what is going on in her life and why she’s so upset. Often we’re unable to say the issues out loud, so a good thing to do is to ask her to write all the things wrong in the life and number them in order of how much it’s effecting her.
As teenagers we’re very good at hiding things from adults, especially things like depression etc. I had an eating disorder depression and selfharm for about a year. I’m extremely close to my parents but they had no idea until I tried to kill myself.
You obviously really care about you’re daughter and she is very lucky for that. Issues like these never fully go away, they will always be there in the background. Its just a matter of learning how to deal and cope with them.
Hope this helps. Love Mini61 x