I seem to be stuck on this site the last few days - I am so alone with all this and being in touch with you all is the only thing helping me. I keep swinging from being really positive to absoloutely terrified. The mornings are the worse for me, as soon as I get up I start retching - dry retching - it’s horrid, I don’t know if it’s the anxiety or what. Wish this was all over - will it ever be? will I survive ? can’t stand living with the uncertainty - think I am becoming unhinged now. If I survive this cancer I’ll probably die of fright anyway. Please help me get on right track - any advice would be so appreciated.
Tracey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear moonshine, what you are going through is natural but try and distract yourself as your anxiety is making it more difficult for you. I found that despite negative thinking, panic attacks and much crying, shouting and throwing things I did survive. Have a decent breakfast, a cup of tea and get some comedy videos. Also find some supportive friends they do exist. Don’t imagine too much, you are already surviving and living with uncertainty we all are whether or not we have been diagnosed with cancer. My mother says the only two certain things in life are death and taxation
Mole
Dear moonshine,im in the same position,but you have to be positive my mother had a masectomy back in 1982 and she is still very much alive and never had another problem and that was all those years ago,it is difficult but try not to let the fear grab you,i also was like that and then i gave myself a good talking too,I was wasting my time worrying about stuff that I have no control over,do what mole says watch a good comedy get a good book or find something else to worry about instead ,that works.
louise
Thanks Mole I know your’e right, sometimes I just need to be told, if you know what I mean. I have already survived one cancer (now 10 yrs on) my daughter at 10 become very ill with heart problems and had open heart surgery, now 14 and doing fantastic, my dad died on the day my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and 9 months after my lovely hubby dying I am diagnosed with BC. If I can survive all that I guess what’s one more thing. Probably the hardest now because I had my hubby to help me through all this and now when I need him so much he’s not here. Also having spent the last 3 years battling this bloody disease with my husband it is still so fresh in my mind it makes it harder to be positive. Dreading chemo as less than a year ago I sat there with him (he used to have 8 hrs at time) over the last 3 years, and I’m gonna be sitting there myself and will hard not to remember him in there. Thanks for all support.
Love Traceyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Tracey
So sorry you ave had to join us here. You hvae had a real tough time of things over the years. I’m sorry ot hear that your husband has passed away, but glad to hear that your daughter is doing well.
You are in a very frightening place just now but you will survive this. As Mole says there will be friends who will be there for you.
I appreciate that the chemo ward is going to be difficult given that you were at your husband’s side when he was going through it.
Love Lilac
Moonshine -
I’m sorry you are having a bad patch and have been through such tough times.
I am a big fan of distractions. When I find the panic rising I do something physical - bake a cake, paint a wall. I’m thinking of investing in one of those mindless shoot 'em up computer games that adolescent boys love so much so that when I am feeling scared and adrift I can go and blast some monster (my cancer?) into a gazillion particles.
Mole’s Mum is right - the only thing we humans can regard as certainties are death, taxation … and that likelihood that at any given moment a repeat of Ony Fools And Horses is being broadcast somewhere.
All we can do is deal with the immediate future in bite sized chunks and keep the cancer demons from messing with our minds as well as our bodies.
Take good care
Molly xx
Thanks all you lovelies for your kind words - it means a lot it really does. Just had a call from friend back from holiday for 3 weeks so hadn’t been able to tell her all this. She is oncology researcher (specialises in BC) and has reassured me that BC is currently one of the most treatable cancers and even for those that can’t be cured (yet) there are many good treatments that can give good quality of life for many many years. In fact she said the one I had before (malignant melanoma) is a right nasty little sod and in many ways harder to treat than BC - so I am feeling more encouraged now. Also I am extremely PMT which is probably not helping at moment - I’ve always been a bit of a hormonal sensitive old bag!! Decided to go down river near by with newly bought puppy - black lab - who has cheered us all up. None of us has got a unchewed pair of shoes between us and he craps on the carpet all the time - but hey in the grand scheme of things who gives a shit (literally). Speak to you all again soon, thanks for being there.
Love Tracey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
dear Tracey just lost a long post so will try again.A labrador puppy is the best thing ever for taking your mind off things.Can I suggest you ring the bcc helpline and ask about their peer support system?Someone who has been through what you are going through now will phone you by arrangement for a cha.There is also live chat every Thursday where you can ‘talk’ to some of us in real time.Do try to take someone with you to chemo sessions,it wont be anything like 8 hours,nearer 2.We are all here with you and you will find lots of support when you need it.I too watched a beloved husband die over many months though thankfully not of cancer[22 years ago now].Good luck Vxxx
To Moonshine
The retching is completely normal. It’s just the shock and anxiety. Had that with my cancer, and also when my Mum died. Just your body reacting I think. You will. I know as you are typing this in to your computer, you will feel alone, but you’re not believe me, all the love and care that comes out from this site is far reaching, and even if you are sitting in a house without a single soul in it, you will have the support and love of all these fabulous girls on this site, so try and be brave, and take each day as it comes. Don’t assume the worst until it happens, and enjoy the everyday things in your life. When you are first diagnosed you literally go hot and cold, the shock just takes over, then you start to fight, whether it be chemo or surgery or whatever, you get the strength from somewhere, and you become a different person, a stronger person. You’re friend is right, and you have to take heart from that.
So good luck.
Julie x
Hi Tracey
You replied to my post, thanks for that
Just wanted to add to what lots of women have said previously on this thread
It is all a shock and too much to bear at times, but this site might just help keep you sane and give you hope, support and love
when you are at your lowest and feeling alone with this wretched disease
Like you, I am on my 2nd cancer diagnosis, but with support, you and I can do it again
We have no choice, and we are the stronger sex after all
You really have been through the mill and my thoughts are with you
xxx
Tracey, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have had such difficult times with your family and now this. I think your friend is right though - as I understand it melanomas can be very dangerous and treatment for BC has come so far. I have got, and everyone I speak to has got, at least 1, 2 or more people they knew who had the disease years ago and are living and happy now.
I’m having a bit of a glum day today. I have noticed some changes which I’m going to do a thread about to see if anyone else has had this, and I’ve gone on leave from work to prepare for my op (I’m scared!!) which all feels very strange.
I wish you and everyone else well with their treatment.
Love, Maggie xxxx
Hi Tracey
As well as the support you are receiving from this thread you may find BCC’s resource pack helpful, it has been designed for those newly diagnosed. If you would like a copy just follow the link below:
breastcancercare.org.uk//content.php?page_id=7514
If you feel it may help to talk to someone in confidence about your fears and concerns then please give the helpline a call, the staff here are all either breast care nurses or people who have personal experience of breast care issues. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 the lines open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and
Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Kind regards
Sam
BCC Facilitator
Hi moonshine,
I feel I have got off this rollorcoaster at the other end. had a mastectomy with reconstruction in may and I now feel absolutley fab! Even having days when I don’t think about it for hours (thats progress)
You are still in shock, when you start on your treatment then you can tick each step off along the way. It helps focus your mind. You have been so through so much already you are obviously a very strong lady!
How brave! A puppy that will keep you busy just tidying up after it and shoe shopping if nothing else!
Take care Diane x
Hi Tracey,
So sorry for your trouble and that you have to go through all this on top of everything. Been trying to think of something funny to say but the short of it is that luckdi is right - just keep the end in sight and I, like all the others here in Breastcancerworld will be thinking lots about you and wishing you every good thing there is to have in life.
Think you should also take Sam up on her offer because, like Mole I had some breast changes following biopsy, called the helpline and the nurse was fantastic - clear, matter of fact, open and honest enough to say “I dont know” when i described my problem.
Lots of Love to you
Tuesday xxx
Hello Tracey,
god, lifes hard isn’t it. especially when you list it all like that. But think back to the darkest days of those past bad incidents - you HAVE come through, albeit a different person. The BC world is scary, and because there are so many women with it (one in nine) means that we all know someone who didn’t do as well, but so many women do ‘survive’.
I’m a little bit down the line now - diagnosed in March, had mastectomy & recon and am third of way through chemo. None of it is great, but it’s bareable… the worst bit was just getting started on the treatment. I still think ‘what if I don’t make it’ - my kids are 15,13 & 3 and that’s what I worry about, but I know that we are all having a good life right now and we are enjoying things as often as we can and as your friend says, treatments are excellent even if it doesn’t get the boot with the first treatments we have… I keep thinking, as I look at my bald, paunchy (steroids make you SOOO hungry!) one-titted self in the mirror ‘wow. It’s amazing what we get used to!’
The chemo id difficult for everyone, and it will be more so for you because of the memories, but I’m quite sure that your husbands spirit will be with you, holding your hand whilst you ‘battle on through’
With Big Big love to you and to your daughter
Td xxxxx
hi tracy
5yrs ago some kind person gave my husband a new life giving him 2 new lungs I will never be able to thank them enough as he is now with me to get through bc but I’m sure your husband is also with you and will help you through it,you never lose the ones you love.Hoppe everything goes ok. xxxwalton ps walton is my late mums name and I’m sure she is with me.