Don't know where to turn...

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Hi ladies. Hope you don’t mind me posting up quite a long message, but I’ve just got to get my feelings out somehow, and no-one else I talk to seems to understand how I feel, but I’m sure you will - at least I hope so.

I went to see my surgeon yesterday, because I thought I could feel another lump in my other breast (luckily it was nothing), and he said it was because I had lost so much weight. I lost three quarters of a stone since dx, and I only weigh 7st.4lbs, very underweight. I said I wasn’t eating because I was so worried. He said that my prognosis could not be better - grade 1, stage 1, 8mm lump, tubular, clear lymph nodes, clear margins, ER+, no chemo, just 15 rads starting on the 19th, and Tamoxifen. He even said that he did not see why I should not have a completely normal life span, and he wouldn’t have said that if it was not true. So, what’s your problem, you may be thinking?

Well, my teenage son has got himself into trouble with the law (I won’t go into details), and I feel right at rock bottom again. He has to go back to the police station tomorrow, and I know it will go to court. I feel physically sick at the thought of what might happen to him. I know he can be a little s***, but for some reason I still love him.

I’m getting everything out of proportion - convinced it will come back and spread, despite what I’ve been told, worried myself silly about the side effects of Tamoxifen, even though I know of at least two women who were fine with it. I am so depressed, and I just can not see a way out of this dark tunnel I am in at the the moment. I am sitting here right now, tears rolling down my face, looking at a banana, and wanting to eat it, but I just feel physically sick. Go on, tell me how pathetic I am. I know some ladies would give anything to have the prognosis I have got, but I a nervous wreck. I am so scared for my son, and I just don’t know which way to turn. I know there’s nothing any of you can do, I just wanted to get my feelings out to someone who would understand.

Hope you didn’t mind.

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Dearest LynB1,

I’m certain no one here will mind your post nor how long it is. I’m sure anyone who read it could only feel compassion for you.

I am glad that you have such a good prognosis. Maybe that is something that can be built on. But I think you need help with other things, too. Could you please see your doctor and ask for help? Tell him or her about your feelings. Also, tell him or her that you just can not eat. You can get through this, but you need someone to help you. Just like you needed your surgeon to get the cancer out, and the radiotherapist to treat it. Or if you are near any sort of cancer support centre, ask them to help you find help.

All the best, my love. Please take care of yourself. (((((((((Lyn)))))))))

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Lyn
hugs
yes, you have a brilliant prognosis, and that is great - but it doesn’t detract from the days and weeks of worry and concern. It doesn’t take away the diagnosis of breast cancer. It doesn’t lessen the worries of surgery. It doesn’t take the rads away. So yes, not surprised you’re feeling down.
And of course you love your son - and he is another worry for you. You don’t say whether this behaviour is new or not. It really doesn’t matter. What matters is he is your son, you love him, and you want to protect him - except you can’t.
But you need to eat, your body desperately needs some food. Can you drink milkshakes maybe? If you can then your GP can prescribe some drinks that are nutritionally complete - do NOT get the toffee or chocolate ones though, they are horrible. You can also add them to jelly, something else that is easy to get down. Please go see your GP or your BC nurse or support group … it isn’t wimping out, it really can help you.
hugs
x x x

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Hi Lyn

You must get some food inside you, the suggestion of milkshakes or maybe those build up drinks? Hold your nose and knock it back, you really do need the vitamins to fight your cancer.

Can you call MacMillan and see if they can offer any help with your son?

I hope it all works out for you.

Cecelia. x

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Hi Lyn,#I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your son - but he is lucky he has such a supportive mother.

When I was on FEC chemo I had to stop my chemo for Crohn’s and I lived for 4 months on a hospital prescribed Frutijuice nutritional supplement. I had to drink 3 cartons a day, 300 calories each and they kept me alive.

You MUST eat, or get a nutritional supplement like I got, I had no solid food for 4 months - the hospital sent it to me at my home. Ask your Oncologist, bc surgeon or bc nurse - anyone- and get it (it was foc) so you can cope with not only your bc, but your son’s problems.
Perhaps you could get the GP involved? Cecelia’s advice about a MacMillan nurse is brilliant. I didn’t have one, but my bc nurse sorted out my problems.

Take care,
Liz.

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Hi Lynn,

You have some excellent advice from ScottishHoosier,quisie and Cecelia, I can only add my support in their suggestions. A mothers love is just what your son needs now but look after yourself otherwise you may not be strong enough to keep up that support you have for him.

Take care

Carol

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Hi Lynn

You have had some great advice from the others (they have been great support to me, at times I dont know how I would have coiped without this site)

You must look after yourself, try and contact the agencies recommended.

Do you have any family members that can help with your son, perhaps he may need some support from outside the family (I dont have a son but boys seem to be deep and dont always tell you what they are thinking) he may need to shout, cry and vent out his feelings. Of course doing this wont help whats happened in the past but may help him in the future.

Take care

Lesley
x

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So sorry to hear how you are feeling. Sons are wonderful when they are little and growing up so loving, etc but when they are grown they are so, so different. Mine was also in trouble with the law at one point (minor trouble) but he has been a dreadful worry where women are concerned, just can’t leave them alone and, yes, as someone else says, he is deep and quiet and won’t talk. You just need to make sure he knows you are there for him and will support him, although not condone what he has done if he has done wrong. Support and condoning are two entirely different things. ON THE OTHER HAND, HE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT YOU AND TRYING TO BEHAVE HIMSELF. Please go to the Dr and spill out all your feelings. When I was in a terrible state some years ago about something and couldn’t eat or sleep my Dr was wonderful. Your son is just so lucky to have a mother who cares. You are not pathetic at all every woman and mother can understand how you feel. You don’t say if you have the support of a OH. Do you have a local vicar or minister you could talk to. Sorry if this seems to be nothing but a load of old waffle but I really do feel for you.

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Hi Lyn,

Am so sorry to hear you’re so down. I have a son myself and like you would do anything for him, but you also have to take care of yourself my love. Believe your doctor, they never give good, positive news unless they absolutely believe it to be right. Is your son school age or recently left school? maybe you could go and see a teacher he gets on with or used to and ask if they could help with some sort of character reference to give the police, and I would ask if I could see someone from the police station who works with young people and explain your situation concerning the bc, maybe you can ask that they consider that this may be upsetting your son and making him behave out of character (even if it’s not the case, it may help him).

I would go back to the doctor and explain everything, ask for help, he may be able to put you in contact with someone who could talk to you and your son together? Wish I could help more.

Lots of love,

Louisa xxx

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Hi Lyn,
Nothing much to add, just that i really feel for you and understand how upsetting it can be to worry about your kids, and how alone you feel.
I liked Louisa’s idea about talking to someone at the police about your BC as they should take this into account.
Take good care of yourself, find a good friend or family member to talk to about how you feel (we can’t give you real hugs!), and all the best.
Let us know how you get on
Love Jacquie

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Hello Lyn,

Thinking of you and your son. I hope things are a bit better and you’ve been able to eat.

Hugs, Mary

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Hi Lyn

Not eating, I have been there and done that too, having lost almost 1 stone since DX on 23 Oct. Every time I thought about or tried to eat I felt like I was feeding this demon inside me. I had to keep telling myself that I needed to feed me to fight and conquer this demon. Try some ginger biscuits, they do suppress the nausea Lyn. Then try little and often and if you are anything like me then you will build up from there. I still have times when I feel nauseous but the fighter in me pushes me on to eat. Your body needs good fuel right now. Go see your doc and discuss with your BC nurse also. Support groups help too, I have been going to CLAN and they have been very helpful to me.

With regard to your son, of course you love him and always will. He should be putting you first right now but maybe he has difficulty with dealing with your illness. People react in different ways and you need to look after yourself first and foremost but to have also an understanding of your son too. My youngest sister has been absolutely awful to me and we are not speaking now which really upset me, I was really distraught but I have realised that she has been taking her fear of losing me out on me and I need to leave her to realise that she has upset me so badly. I love her and I know that my sisters will help her thru this difficult time but I cannot “babysit” her right now as I need to focus on me. Perhaps your son is going thru some similar emotions to my sister?

I also have my 2 teenage daughters who now want to live with their Dad which is also cutting me up. Youngest daughter is quite emotional and showing me loads of love but my eldest daughter is so distant it cuts me to the core. I have hardly seen her since my DX as she makes excuses not to come. Again I love my daughters unconditionally but I need to focus on me and for a woman who is pretty unselfish that is hard for me but it is a necessity.

Wishing you well,
luvnhugsCarolexxx