down and fed up
down and fed up Hi,
I’m feeling really fed up at the moment, i finsihed my chemotherapy two weeks ago, my lump has shrunk fantastically and hopefully i will only need a lumpectomy but i’ll know for sure on 3rd April when i see the suregeon again.
All this is good news so why do i feel so fed up, everyone keeps saying how well i’ve done and now its nearly over but i feel like all i want to do is cry all the time like i did in the beginning.
My partner has been absolutely fantastic but i think he is starting to get frsutrated he keeps saying you’re near the end you should be happy and i now i should but … i don’t know i’m crying my eyes out whilst writing this.
I think now the chemo has finished i don’t have that to think about and the side effects, i can finally take in what has happened to me. The first place i always put weight on is in my face and when i look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly nearly bald person looking back at me and i can’t understand why my partner is still with me as i know my personality has changed too, i get mardy i snap at people and i know i’m doing it i just can’t help it so then i get upset and crying starts all over again.
I’ve had enough now i just want to be normal again like all my friends and not have all this anymore.
KayLou x
For KayLou Hello KayLou,
I am sorry you are feeling so down at the moment. If you need someone to talk to in confidence please phone the BCC freefone helpline where the staff here are trained to help people such as yourself when emotions are in turmoil.
The number to call is freefone 0808 800 6000, the lines are open now, Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm, Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
Take care, kind regards
BCC Host
Hi KayLou
I don’t very often look on the younger women forum, but just noticed your post.
I only want to say that you are not on your own, I think this happens qute a lot. I had my chemo and mentally sailed through it (physically not so good!). I had chemo first to shrink the lump as I wanted to just get the WLE - it did shrink the lump BUT I was told I could only have the Mastcetomy as it had got too small! In about 2 minutes I changed from a very positive person into a jibbering wreck of a woman.
I’ve had my op now and am on Arimidex and I’m still feeling just the same as what you describe. It’s a bit like my world has sort of crumbled around me. I am feeling a little more brighter this week, so I hope I am getting back on my feet.
I know I am older (41 & post meno - so not your average YW!) but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, I don’t think there is a magical cure either, it takes time. Once you get your op and you know where your treatment is heading, it should start to feel better.
Take care.
Love Lynn x
For Kaylou Hi Kaylou,
I feel that Lynn’s reply was great and not sure what else I can add but I just wanted to say “hang on in there”. I think chemo can make people feel very down (as the treatment goes on) and some of the steroids do bloat the face up. I certainly had this problem and felt that I just saw my cheeks when I looked in the mirror. Also, losing eyebrows etc makes the face lose definition.
You have done brilliantly and no one can expect you to be cheerful all the time. I think your partner, friends and family are just relieved that you’ve come this far.
It is a rollercoaster and you’re bound to be apprehensive whilst you’re waiting to hear what op you’ll be having and if you can’t let your feelings out with people who care for you, it just stays inside and then you feel worse. I was fine on chemo and got to the 3rd one and I remember feeling like I’d hit a brick wall, in all senses! I got very down and tired but it did pass and I just had to rest when I needed to and shut myself away when I needed to. People will understand if you need to do this.
I want to wish you all the very best for your appointment on the 3rd and to say that we’re all here if you need to share your feelings.
Take care and sending you a hug,
BethXXX
Hi KayLou
I had a really tough time about halfway through my chemo & used the peer telephone support from BCC which really helped me to get through that patch. I think I felt the same as you… as though I had got used to the side effects and the routine and finally my brain had some time to actually come to terms with what was happening. And you have to have a good cry to let it all out!
It will get better… like the other girls say, there is still some aprehension for you as you don;t know for definite what the surgery will be etc but you really have come a long way.
Keep hanging on in there and let us all know how it goes when you see your surgeon.
Big hugs to you, take care,
Sarah xxxx
HI KayLou
I’m going to be the devils advocate here and ask you why you think you are reacting the way you are - is it just the uncertainty of the surgery - or could it be more?
My personal view, based on my own experience of having chemo first - is that one minute you are leading your life - next thing some stranger tells you you have breast cancer and you’ll be starting chemo in 3 days. you are so busy absorbing that news, dealing with chemo side effects, hair loss, body image etc - you don’t have time to deal with your own emotions - because you are also unfortunately the person usually giving assurance to your family and friends. So when it comes to the end of chemo and phsically you start to feel better - the emotional stuff comes to the fore.
And for me what was worse was that at he end of my intial treatment - everyone assumed I had been “cured” the same as Kyie - and I never had to worry about breadt cancer again. Due to the riduculous portrayal of breast cancer and its treatment in the media - people assume you’ll be fine and just move on with your life. But the bottom line is you have at least 10 years of worry if it will return and you have to deal with the effects of 12 months of some fairly nasty and aggrssive treatment you’ve had.
I think if you are brutally honest to your partner about your feelings - lets hope he can be a bit more understanding with your plight.
Just m y 2 cents worth.
good luck with it all.
cheers
Moira
PS if it makes you feel better - if you can get through chemo you can do anything - I had a mastectomy, immediate reconstruction and reduction in my good breast and that was nothing compared to 6 months of FEC and taxol.
Hi Kaylou,
I am sorry you are feeling so down it is understandable at a time like this to feel that way. I had my surgery fist then chemo, radio and herceptin act. I know that when the chemo finished I to went through a stage where i was very upset would cry alot and also snap at my partner and close friends I quess I was scared as when I was having chemo I knew that the chemo would kill off any cancer cells in my body but when it was finished I worried all the time that it may not have killed them all off and that it could come back. We all deal with things differently and there is no right or wrong way to deal with this nightmare we are going through, but I would say dont be to hard on yourself you are allowed to be scared, worried and upset and Im sure your partner and friends can understand why you are like this sometimes.
Have you tried councelling I did for a while and I have to say if you talk to the right person it may really help, I found it a great help being able to go in and talk to a complete strainger and just pour my heart out have a good old chat and cry maybe give it try.
I also went through the stage and still sometimes do where I look in the mirror and think I look horrible and that how could anyone love me but they do and we are very lucky my partner is like yours he has stood by me throughout your partner will love oyu no matter what you look like he fell in love with you and even when you are bald in his eyes you are still the most beautiful women in the world.
I wish you all the very best with you opperation please take care and remamber dont be to hard on yourself.
Love Clairemm x x x
mee too Hi there just to let you know you are not alone.
I did not cry once from date of diagnosis until end of treatment (chemo, mastectomy). Then in Jan my hormone results came back to show that my overies have been fried . I have cried every single day since, sometimes for hours.
I feel for you.
Love
Kim xx
Kim,
I read your posting and burst into tears… I’m so sorry to hear your terrible news. (I think we exanged a few messages about diet/soya a while ago). I started hormone therapy recently (after all the other stuff) and since then have started to feel really down too. My doctor has arranged some counselling for me and I hope it will make a difference. Like you, I think I’m going to ditch the hormone therapy…
Do take care,
Emma x
I’ve seen the surgeon Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for your posts i’m starting to feel better now, i’ve seen the surgeon and i can have the lump out and not a mastectomy.
I am having a wide local incision and they are moving muscle from my back to the breast instead of an implant as i need radiotherapy after. My surgeon says the scar will be under my armpit as they are doing an ‘S’ type shape so that they can get to breast and back through the same cut - sound weird to me but i’ll go with it!
I go in on 25th April and have been told its a 5 hour op - thought i’d be scared but more concerned for those sat outside waiting!!
Worried about the recovery more than anything, i’m a really active person and after chemo couldn’t wait to start doing little bit of exercise to try to get rid of some of this fat and now gonna have to stop again - when does all this ever end!!!??
Take care everyone
Kay x
For Kay Hi Kay,
Thanks for updating us all. I did wonder how you’d got on and it’s great to hear that you’ve had the appointment and it sounds like things have been explained to you. I’ll be thinking of you on the 25th and wishing you all the very best.
Take care,
BethXX