Where and how do you generate a positive attitude to this awful disease?
I feel so negative and low, yet have alot to be grateful for. I am obsessing over being dead and finding that fact hard to accept. I don’t want to be dead… I know no one does and I know it comes to us all… But… I’m struggling and feel I’m wasting my days with all this negativity.
I’m waiting for results… I always seem to be waiting for results… It’s doing my head in.
I had a lumpectomy March 2019.
I had some lymph nodes taken from under my arm July 2019.
I completed radiotherapy Dec 2019.
Pet scan end of March 2020 showed some hot spots in lymph nodes in my chest. Had surgery last week and waiting for those results now. It’s unbearable. Can anyone offer me some sanity?
Hi Susiewong
How long is that piece of string? It’s rubbish isn’t it! All that interminable waiting. If it’s any help, I had ‘enlarged lymph nodes’ spotted by a CT scan but they turned out to be ‘nothing of concern.’ An MRI has detected a ‘clot’ near my spine ‘but nothing to be concerned about.’ Great. That’s me sorted - till I have a stroke?
I can speak a bit smugly (surgery Oct 2018, full treatment menu, every side effect going and still a walking talking mass of side effects) because my whole life has been spent with anxiety and panics so cancer just had nothing on my phobia about having panic attacks. I seem to have been able to compartmentalise it all with the attitude of ‘I’ll worry about that if it happens.’
I did have a giant wobble when I broke all my inner wisdom and googled my NPI score (which I’d accidentally spotted) and it took a lot of wisdom from my breast care nurse to get me back to where I am. So I’m not being very helpful am I?
I’d suggest you ring your breast care service and ask for an online appointment or ring the nurses here or the Macmillan helpline - I’ve found both very reassuring when I’ve had queries. Just speaking to a person who actually understands helps. The emotional part of this crap is over half the battle, in my opinion, and it shouldn’t be ignored. Normally I’d say see your GP because it’s obviously major for you but accessing counselling isn’t possible right now.
When things ease up more at hospitals, the support services should be up and running. Macmillan offer free counselling and alternative therapies for patients, their families, former patients etc. You may have a local Maggie’s or Breast Cancer Haven in your area. It’s worth asking your b-c nurse. In the meantime, there are some good meditations, NLP etc from The Haven, available online for now: breastcancerhaven.org.uk/Pages/Category/haven-at-home?utm_source=Campaign%20Monitor&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=February%20newsletter%20-%20Yorkshire&utm_content=February%20newsletter%20-%20Yorkshire+CID_901f6b5eb5952b22b78d3f5d0b90de6d&utm_source=Email&utm_term=Self-help%20films%20and%20audio
I found YouTube videos invaluable throughout - maybe that’s why I’ve been uncharacteristically calm? The best is Progressive Hypnosis’s Manifest Healing but there are many to choose from, including lots by Michael Sealey and Good Vibes. I hope you maybe find something in the link for now. Please take good care of yourself, particularly your emotional health right now.
Jan x
PS. I should have started with a big virtual hug x