Woke today feeling completely down in the dumps. I had felt it brewing all weekend but kept it at bay with frineds chat and the odd wine! I think last week I didn’t think about it too much due to worrying about my mum and the mx she had on Wed.
Have now realised I have lost control of my life albeit momentarily. I am an organised person who makes plans far in advance. I have so many things planned for the next 3 months and now everything is up in the air. I hate feeling out of control. Have been verging on tears sporadically throughout the day but managed to stay at work.

I know I am probably not the only one to have felt like this but I feel like big black cloud descended on me this morning.

Hi samjs i know exactly how you feel and its so normal you have the shock of diagnosis then you have your surgery when i went back for the results and found it was in my lymph glands i actually felt like a big weight descended on me and it stayed for several days
i too am very organised the doer in the family always sorting all kids problems out etc. and just the realization that its now out of our control.I actually ended up going to the gp to ask for diazepam just for those moments when i was overwhelmed and imagining all sorts i found it hard while i waited for chemo but now i am hopefully starting next wk and feel ok have only taken 1 valium in 2 wks but they are there if needed gp suggested antidepressants as they dont like you to have diazepam longterm but i didnt want to start yet another drug and thankfully that black cloud has lifted at present
You have the added nightmare of your mum only recently being diagnosed and you are still reeling from that my mum also had mastectomy but it was 10 yrs ago.
I also downloaded some hypno relaxation apps and found them helpful too i wish you well samjs and if it doesnt lift maybe you should speak to a gp we are only human after all and sometimes it can just get all too much take care lots of love caz

Hi Samjs, I know how you feel too. I am waiting for my MX next week and I was holding it together last week- or so I thought! I was waiting for the dates of all the pre op tests and I thought I was dealing with it fairly well - Getting all my ducks in a row.
I was at work last Friday and there was just one more scan to arrange so, me being me, phoned the hospital to see when it was going to be. I was just putting the date and time in my diary. Then it suddenly hit me like a wave that everything was in place and there was no stopping now. I got hit by such a wave of panic that I didn’t know what to do! I broke down totally and knew I had to go home.
I have calmed down again now but I am so used to being organised and in control that the realisation that I have set things in motion that I now can’t control. I try to reassure myself that I am in safe hands and that its all going to be ok but boy is it hard.

thanks girls, i knew I wouldn’t be alone. everyone is being o supportive but they cant understand how it can make you feel. Never ealised I was such a control freak until my control was taken away. Feel a little better today, must accept life as it is atat the moment. I will not go down without a battle.

Sam x