I’m sitting in bed, mind wandering, as it does most nights. I’ll probably be wake til gone 1am.
Tonight I feel like everything has been too easy. I had lumpectomy for 17mm g3 tumor, plus an extra op for DCIS cavity shave. 12 and 7 weeks ago respectively. Recovery had a few obstacles and radiotherapy is few weeks away.
I’ve got mobility back and barely any side effects from starting Tamoxifen (so far). The BC nurse likes to remind me the cancer has “gone”. And in this moment, I think the big ‘C’ wasn’t so difficult.
Tomorrow, when I pop a tablet, I will be reminded that they are to reduce recurrence for my ER 8/8 cancer, that has “gone”. It will remind me there is no guarantee and it’s too soon for any side effects. And then I will see the appointment letter for radiologist for my cancer that has “gone” and that reminds me its not over yet nor will it be for years to come.
I feel like I should celebrate the tumor has “gone”, jump for joy, but I couldn’t even raise a smile to the nurse. I want a written guarantee that it has definitely “gone” and not coming back. I want it to say “get on with your life as thou it never happened”. But no such thing exists.
How do people get past this? Is it a case of time heals the mind?
Sal x
I had a double mastectomy in the summer and now on letrizole for 10 years. I struggled to jump for joy in the days and weeks that followed my results meeting, with the same feelings you have.
I did the four BUPA/Macmillan free therapy sessions and we talked about this exact thing. I wanted the one thing I can’t have - a 100% written guarantee that it’s not coming back. But nobody has that in life - we never know what’s going to happen. I thought about my daughter’s friend who died in a car crash aged 19, I thought about my friend’s daughter who died aged 5 - and how life is not guaranteed.
The therapist told me this is all normal and it’s fine to have sadness come into your thoughts - we even talked about the film Inside Out and how you can’t have joy without sadness.
It really helped me - I still have doubts some days but the rest of the time I am living each day.
Maybe some therapy sessions might help xx
I too felt I had an easy time compared to other ladies on here. I got through my surgeries & radiotherapy with few side effects, these went after a few weeks, apart from bouts of fatigue & was told the cancer has gone. I’m 76, so decided against taking Tamoxifen as I feel very well & would rather feel well than risk side effects, my choice. In my heart I’m convinced the cancer will return, but I’m managing to stay fairly positive & hope that it won’t return or that it will be years away. Best wishes.
I think you’re way too early in the process to begin to come to terms with it all. You are still in active treatment and about to undergo radiotherapy, whilst being, in my experience, by far the easiest of the therapies, it’s still an unnatural thing to have to go through. After my surgery in September 2022, I was told by the surgeon and the oncologist that I was cancer-free. I just couldn’t believe it was that easy particularly as a good friend of mine had to wait five years after her bowel cancer treatment to be told the same. But last year I had a gastric issue and balance issues so I was given a head and torso CT scan with contrast to check for secondaries, which came back clear, not even inflammation. So I had “proof” that I am, in fact, cancer-free although it was difficult to believe. A year later, I have got a lot further down the road in accepting things. This has been helped by comparing my situation, like @lynnc123, to two dear people to me who had degenerative diseases which couldn’t be cured and also to talking to women who had BC years ago who have not had recurrence. For them breast cancer is in the dim and distant past, like a broken bone which has healed. So, I honestly do think it will get better for you once you’re through active treatment and have had some time to process it all. It may take several years but in the end, it will recede in to the background because no-one can perpetuately live in fear.
Thank you ladies for those helpful replies. It’s comforting to know others think the same.
I have thought about counselling and might peruse that once radiotherapy is completed, if I’m still in a spin.
A big problem for me and it’s my trade I study numbers and statistics and I want to see that 0% chance of recurrence. To put in perspective (in my mind) …I have epilepsy, it’s a new thing, that happened two years ago. Statistically 1% (1 in 100) will have a seizure. I was that one person and then went on to have a second.
Statistically 50% (1 in 2) get cancer. I was one of those.
I have a 15% chance of BC recurrence. My mind thinks, I will be one of those and these “reminders” are basically warning me not to get too complacent.
But then a few hours later, I will be feeling pretty good and very normal.
It’s such a jumble of thought and emotions. It’s worse now, because I am in limbo. Surgery finished and waiting for rads.
