enoughs enough
enoughs enough Some of you will already know about my recent problems with a depressed husband who won’t work. Well today I have realised, probably because I am feeling better phyically, that I can not take this selfish behaviour any longer, enoughs enough.
This morning I asked him nicely not to use something in the kitchen, won’t bore you with detail as it is so trivial. The point is though, he just went crazy. And all this venom came out. Obviouisly all bottled up for months on end.
All the little things that annoy him about me came out then I responded, I wish I didn’t but I said if he was out working we wouldn’t be having this coversation as the kitchen is/was pretty well my domaine.
He said I am always negative towards him which is simply untrue. I hold back so much to keep the peace and frequently tell him how much he means to me and always thank him when he is helpful / kind (rarely though this is). He NEVER does this towards me.
I asked him why he stayed if things were so bad and showed him the door. Of course he hasn’t gone, just gone sulking in the garden so as usual we have no conclusion.
The job thing is also driving me crazy. I pay the bills (he is oblivious to what comes in and out even though I have tried to get him to be involved or even take over). And we are now very skint. We have been living on my half pay for a few months and it’s not enough.
He was offered a job to start in 3 months but when the bloke phoned to arrange detail, my OH asked me to lie and say he wasn’t in. To ‘make him sweat’. Ok, I saw the point in this as he wanted to pay him under the going rate but said he really wanted to employ OH, but since this, 1 wk ago, OH hasn’t rung back. He hasn’t followed up the other part-time work he was offered and now thats gone. I am so mad, angry, he is totally selfish.
I have gone into self preservation overdrive now. I no longer care that he is depressed, I’m b***dy depressed with his behaviour. But, I don’t know what else I can do. Sell the house is the only way I can raise money to live. Even when I return to work in Sept I am going back part-time so pay will still be less than we are used to.
If any of you can help, please write back.
Irene
Hi Irene
I have no magic solutions for you I’m afraid. Your OH appears to be depressed - a sign of which is not being interested in anything and generally demotivated and unable to take control of anything, indecison and so on. He needs to seek help to deal with his depression for both your sakes. You both have been through so much together that if you sort this out too then you can have a future together. I have a lot of experience of dealing with depression in the family one of them I had to literaly force to seek treatment by threats of not wanting to have anything to do with them if they didn’t - this was after years of trying to deal with it without any professional help and it had taken its toll on the whole family when she finally sought help and was given medication since then she is the happiest she has ever been - she is much more loving and appreciative of her family and friends and her life in general. She was always a negative person now she is logical and yet positive and we all have a much better relationship with her.
Depression like any illness needs to be treated and like any illness the earlier the better,
I can only empathise with you - I wish I could be of more help. Good luck,
Chloe x
Really sorry Irene I have no solutions. You seemed so much better last week when your chemo had ended and your husband was trying to get work. I don’t know what you can do now, it must be hard coping with all the emotional fall out that comes with diagnosis of bc and having to deal with his, what appears to be depression.I think I would go into self preservation mode now. I have become more assertive with those around me since dx.I try to put my needs first not easy when I have been the mainstay of a large family. Hope things get better love Eileen
I’m leaving my husband Have had a rough weekend. My sister visted which was lovely, we are very close and she lives a fair distance away so don’t see her very often. She is always there for me (on phone) though and listened to all my problems. My other sister also rang later today and she is also a good listener. Both of them are furious with OH but though they have offered to speak to him, I don’t think it would help. He would go mad if he knew (though he prob suspects, that I tell them about his behaviour). Most people think he his mister happy, it’s amazing how his behaviour changes as soon as these people go.
They have both made me see things from another angle and though we all sympathise with his current mental state, they have made me see I MUST put me first.
Before my diagnosis, I had 2 yrs of mega stress, mostly financial. We sold up, downsized, I got a new job, we cleared our debts, I relaxed, then got dx of BC!
This was pointed out to me that I am going down the same rd again now. It really scared me. I believe stress can cause illnes through a reduction in ammunity (talked to GP about this and there is a corrolation apparently).
SO, I must get myself out of this stressful relationship, for me, I need to be selfish like he has been. I should add, that although OH was brill when 1st diagnosed, prior to this he wasn’t easy to live with and so his recent awkward behaviour is not totally new to me. He simply showed he could be kind and supportive for a few months but has now returned to his usual stubborn and at times verbally nasty behaviour.
I think I am a victim of emotional abuse and I am very scared my health may suffer again as a result. I need to get out and the only way I think I can do this is to leave him and put our house up for sale so I can start a fresh.
The fact that I am not crying as I type these words confirms to me that this is a rational and considered decission.
So now it looks like BC has taken yet another thing from me, my marriage.
Sorry to sound so low and miserable. I don’t know what I would have done without this site. I now need to focus on where I can live for the next few wks while having rads, until I am back at work, then I need to get accomodation nr my work.
Irene
So sorry you are havin’ a bad time Irene. I think you are not alone in thinking about making major life changing descisions. Having a life threatening illness makes you realise that you are mortal and how are you going to spend the rest of your life after treatment. No-one can stay the same after the dx, how could they. Without knowing you or your husband all I can say is you know what he was like before dx. What do you think he will be like when your treatment has finished.? Will he get a job and his depression lift.? I think a lot of women will re-examine their lives and make changes. A lot can’t because of lack of money and dependents. I have 2 lads still at home one just left school. I know this if it wasn’t for him I would sell up get a little flat and just please myself. I would go to places I have always dreamed I would go. Don’t do 'owt rash give it some thought girl!!! love EileenXX
I get what you are saying Eileen but although you are partly right and I want to make some life changes because of BC, my decission to leave OH is more linked to his unreasonable behaviour. Yes, this behaviour has been exasperated by BC, (I think? He hasn’t told me as he never ‘talks’ to me).
I wonder how many people would live with someone who simply decides they will no longer work. No discussion, no ‘how will we manage’ says he will go to the job centre but then doesn’t go. Applies for 1 job ( after much pressure from me) then waits to see outcome for wks on end before I have to broach the subject yet again.
It’s only because I’ve felt so ill that I simply haven’t had the energy to be so firm. Today it sunk in just how I have let him get away with this appaling behaviour.
And yes, I know he is depressed. I know all of this is probably caused by depression, but what the hell can I do if he won’t help himself. He’s seen GP once but not gone back and hasn’t been given pills or any other support so nothing has changed.
Have just printed off some info about depression and put it with a note from me for him to read hopfully before I get up in the morning. I am trying something new, talking hasn’t worked, he only gets abusive then I cry blah blah. I will let you know how he handles it.
I need to have a good scream, I need to get out asap.
Irene
You have made a big decision - does your husband realise how damaged your relationship has got - I have heard of men being totally shocked when their wife leaves because they had no idea how bad things had got.
Good luck with sorting this out - at least you have good listeners in your sisters.
Chloe x
Irene
I wrote to you on the other board but just wanted to tell you about a young girl I know who is only 32 and was diagnosed with breast cancer about 7 months ago.
Two months ago they found it in her bones and the first thing she did was take her son and walk out on her husband who hadn’t been there for her since diagnosis.
More recently she had a hysterectomy and they discovered the cancer was also in her womb and her ovaries. Her husband wants her back. She has told him to take a hike.
Her strength and courage have been a complete inspiration to me and I hope will be to you, too.
Lola x
hello just reading throught the posts and came across this one, and wondered if there was any update…
Jax
I’m still at home. Hi Jax
Yes, things are pretty settled at present but only because I am giving him a bit of space. He has moments of great activity, phoning and writing after jobs, which happened last wk, but only ever after strong prompts from me.
He is currently at the GP’s again though at present he is just getting blood pressure done each wk so no more help on the depression front as yet.
He had a very positive interview last wk and is hopful and he wants it but we will see.
Now if this was me, I would have applied for the 3 jobs suitable in our local papers as insurance but he really struggles to do this, always wanting to wait for the outcome of the most recent interview, call etc. And as we know, this means money is still not coming in.
So, I am still here, but I feel another explosion happening if he doesn’t keep up the momentum. We are definately not out of the woods yet.
Irene
HI Irlene, i feel awful as i have had to take time off work, i have just got the news of my bc and have my first op next friday, i know my wage counts in this household, and luckily my oh is working, but i have been reassaured that we will manage and i must take all the time i need even if i never return to work, i know depression is an awful thing, but what about you? please do whats best for you Irlene, don’t let someone make whats a bad time worse, your worth much more than that
love alison
Sorry Irene, my spelling is a bit bad
love
alison