HI folks here I am again !!! whittling Have my 3rd Epi this WED 13th Feb.
1st Epi had pancreatitis . 2nd Epi onc cut steroids down so no pancreatiits, However felt as High as a kite ,no sleep , anxiety atacks for five days. I have 3 days to go and I’m already frightening myself about more chemo and the awful side effects. Cannot get it off my mind at all . I know it has to be done but really don’t know how I can cope with anymore. Sorry to all you stalwarts who get through it through sheer cussed determination you deserve GOLD medals.
Please help a negative coward.!!! I will do it obviously, but wish I could just accept the side affects. and all the fear that goes with it.!!!
love to you all Bobbie
Love to

You are definately not a negative coward. That is exactly how I felt a fortnight ago (my 4th this coming Fri). Nothing can really take away that gut churning fear…it’s part of human “fright or flight” that is programmed into us for survival since cave man times. Don’t apologise to anyone for feeling the way that you are at the moment- I find writing everything down helps get the stress out for a short while (then it usually goes up the fireback)
so does reading other ladies experiences as you soon realise you are not on your own,
cheers V

HI V Thanks for your kindness. Are you on Epi ? If so you must be starting CMF
after next chemo. Are you coping with it ok?? Yes I agree writing things down does help I am not a religous person but find myself repeating the 23rd pslam just to get the GREMLINS out of my head.
Thanks again luv Bobbie aka Corsa

Hi Bobbie,
You are not a coward at all, I had 4 EPI andl know exactly where you are coming from. Its hard and I felt like giving up on more than one occasion. You are doing very well, you have been having a real tough time with pancreatitis thrown in for good measure and you will get through it, as violetta says its something inside us that kicks in and helps us get through it. Do not struggle with the side effects, I did at the start but all the lovely ladies helped me out when I had a problem so remember we are all here for you too, you are not alone in this. I hope this has helped a little Bobbie, Thinking of you and sending you a big Hug

BLESS YOU JILL Big hug to you too. I see oncologist tommorrow so will speak to him about my fears he is very approachable . Wish I could be knocked out for at least two or three days after Chemo. Diazepam useless during that period. I got hooked on Lorazepam many years ago, so have to be careful of tranquilizers. Thought I hadf gone to hell and back .Know have to fight another battle
Love Bobbie

Jill again, are you having CMF after EPI? If you are I found it much easier, so much more energy and able to live a more “normal” life instead of sleeping all the time. Still side effects but nothing compared to the EPI .I found the EPI messed with your thoughts etc I got really depressed at one stage could not stop crying, so dont worry it is normal to feel the way you are when having this chemo. Take Care Bobbie and keep in touch .
Lots of Love and another Hug

Hi again Bobbie,
yes will be starting CMF after last Epi on Fri.Apparently 4 cycles of a month each taken on day 1 and day 8.Apart from that I know very little as I asked the bc nurse at the Christie hospital to discuss it next time I see her. I got to the point that I was worrying far in advance of everything and completely wound myself up so I try to plan each step and get over that first before I tackle the next thing.(this is the opposite of how I dealt with everything B.C.I used to be very organised, efficient and planned everything carefully)
I definately had the worst black moment last treatment. Not suicidal or anything but certainly considered giving up the treatment and thought what it would be like for each of my family if I wasn’t here etc.I agree with Jill, it really messes with your head.On a more positive note, I can see now looking back that there definately is a pattern to the hours and days in relation to the times you have the treatment and steroids etc. so am hanging on to that thought on Friday,
I’m really looking forward to that “normal” life that Jill describes,
cheers for now,

Hi Violetta,
Just wanted to say good luck with your last EPI on Friday, you will be relieved I am sure, you are half way so well done… I have left a message for Bobbie on EPI CMF were I have tried to briefly explain the CMF, and a few tips I have picked up on the way which may be helpful when you start the CMF. As I said to Bobbie the energy levels are far better with CMF I could not do half of what I have done on the EPI. Was able to go for walks and my favourite pastime retail therapy!! You will I hope find you are much better on the CMF, still get some side effects, but head is clearer and the muddled feeling goes, I actually felt like me again… Again hope all goes well for you V, and your side effects are minimal Take Care Be Thinking of you. Always here if you need me.
Love Jilllx

Hi V and JIll Thanks again for all your support and understanding . Do hope your CMF goes as well as Jill’s.!!! V… Like you I haven’t asked to many questions about the CMF because I felt I had enough to deal with for the present I wish I could see the chemo as medicine rather than think of it as poison. Lets face it ,as crap and horrible as it is, it’s the one thing that’s gonna give us a few more years. BUT when your head feels ready to explode it is hard to see that only good should come out of this eventually.
Love and hugs Bobbie

Hi Bobbie
As you can see you are not alone in your feelings. I am due to have my fourth EC tomorrow, my last chemo, and still I feel all churned up!
I have been having counselling through my chemo and its really helped. My counsellor does deep relaxation with me and I also listen to the CD she gave me at home.
I too was addicted to lorazapam many years back. However I always have one before chemo and it gets me through. I have no desire to have any more so the addiction is well out my system. I think there are other things you can have.
I must say I had anxiety attacks with my first 4 chemos Taxol.
I find it very hard to accept the side effects as well. However I will say since I started chemo the weeks have flown by.
You will probably find you feel alot better with CMF.
All the best for tomorrow.
Alison x

Thanks for that Jill.Have you finished CMF now?
Bobbie you’re right it is sometimes difficult to see it in a positive way but a nurse said to me recently - just think how powerful the chemical is to “knock you sideways” well its doing the same to any of the bad cells that may be lurking and that can only be a good thing.I try and think of that when the drip bag is up.
Hope you’re hanging on in there,
love to you both,

Thanks to all you lovely ladies who have replied to me, had computer probs yesterday could’nt get online!!! However saw Onc, he was smashing although had to wait 1hr.30mins then when I got to see him had a cry ,which I have’nt done very often. He said ’ We’ll get you through this’!! ALSO said CMF is a bit gentler regime and won’t need the steroids . Yes your right V it’s the BAD medicine that is always the best for you!!! Gave me a drug called HALPERODOL(anyone had this?)
jusr to take for 4 nights following chemo, did’nt like the leaflet with it that said FOR
MENTAL illness , frightened me to death . However if he said they’ll help me sleep I’ll give it a go. Lots of love to you all Bobbie

Hi Bobbie,
Glad you had a chat with your oncologist, I hated the steroids on EPI, so none with the CMF much better. I always slept well before diagnosis and chemo but I had to relent and get some sleeping tablets because I was really having trouble sleeping mine are just mild but they do the trick.Have not heard of the one you have got Bobbie but if they give you a good nights sleep its well worth it, If you dont sleep then the side effects seem a whole lot worse. I go for my planning day tomorow for radiotherapy. I always used to think on the lines of V when I felt rough, if I feel this bad at least its working and getting rid of the little beggars!!! Hope you get some sleep with the tablets Bobbie. Take Care and stay in touch
Lots of Love and a big Hug

HI V and JILL Thanks for your good wishes,. Have seen my Gp today and she is
so kind and caring and has put my mind at rest about new tabs. So 3rd EPI tommorrow , kill a few more of the little beggars off.
Love to you both and everyone out there , We will all fight this stinking cankerous
disease together. Bobbie

hi V
Sorry for not answering your question sooner, just noticed it… Yes I have finished all my chemo now and today I am going for planning Day for radiotherapy so onward and upward. Hope you are feeling ok, its a rotten thing we are all going through but soon a little light at the end of the tunnel for all of us I hope. I read a saying which seems quite apt and true thought I would share it with you and Bobbie “In order for a rainbow to appear, first a little rain must fall” Hope you both like it.
Let you know how today does. Take Care
Love and Hugs