Expressing my emotions

Friends and family Supporting someone with breast cancer
1

Hiya everyone, I just want a bit of help and support really. At my wits end. I’m in my early 20’s and my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in April, she has undergone chemo, which despite her using a cold cap for the first time, the pain was unbearable for her so she is now hairless. This distressed me as she didn’t look like my mum, she was grey skinned, fragile and emotional. My mum is a strong, independent and active woman, she is very girl power! She has just has a mastectomy on one side with her lymph nodes removed and I am a wreck, nobody and I mean nobody I am in contact with understands how it feels for me. My mum has a husband who she lives with (my step dad, he’s very nice and I know he’s having a tough time too so I feel I can’t express myself to him) but I live around 40 minutes away from her with my fiance, who is useless (our relationship is now at the make or break stage through his lack of understanding of cancer and also for me) all he ever says is it will be fine she will get better, but I really would love him to actually listen to my points and understand…. Nope. I don’t really know anyone in the area I live in, my friends from near my mum and I have drifted apart, so that just leave work friends, who I have truly been left disappointed in. I continually break down at work, I am on a reception so this is visible to everyone, so my “friend” who is also my manager decided to tell all my staff why I was so upset even though I had asked her not to as they were all getting curious and asking her questions, I am furious with her. So now I don’t really want to speak to her, I am spent many a night scrolling though my phone book for someone just to call and moan to. I usually end up crying to myself, I get so upset and angry at the though of my mum poorly that I start shaking and I feel like I can’t control myself, I know my mum is in so much pain and is emotionally distraught that I feel like if I hurt myself it will take the pain from her and she is sharing the pain with me, I feel angry at my mum like she has let me down (this sounds so selfish, I’m sorry) but how dare she go and get poorly, I haven’t got married or had any children yet, what if she doesn’t get to see that, I am the only daughter, I have a brother who lives 30 minutes from my mum but he has autism and doesn’t drive so isn’t really much help and I think struggles to understand the situation. I have written a couple of poems on the worst days:
Poem 1
Butterfly butterfly why did you leave,
I feel as if I’m trying to greave,
For a person that isn’t dead,
My head feels like a wooden shed,
Full of questions and wondering thoughts,
No answers just a big fat nought,
I need to be strong I need to be brave,
One mention of the word mum and I just cave,
I turn in to a trembling wreck,
I need to be strong if it breaks my neck,
I can’t take this pressure anymore,
Please listen to me or I’ll walk out the door.

Poem 2

Cancer doesn’t care what age you are,
It affects people near and far,
Why am I so upset?
My face is soaking wet,
Tears of upset tears of shame,
That I haven’t been there and I’m to blame,
I need you more than you can see,
I’m glad I’m in your family tree,
I need a hug I need support,
I wish that I could be taught,
How to be strong in front of mum,
I feel like I’m really young,
I cry like a baby and hide away,
Why this time 6 months today?
Go and bother someone else,
I feel like a wooden shelf,
Overloaded with books and junk,
About to fall like a snapped tree trunk,
I’m going to stop writing this poem,
Or it’ll be 100 pages long if I keep going.

Help me please, lots of love xx

2

Hi metoyou,

Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forums, I’m sure the many informed users of this site will be along shortly to give you some much needed support.

In the meantime could I suggest that you give the helpline here a ring, they’re here to support friends and family of those going through breast cancer as well. The lines are open now, until 5.00 p.m., opening times are Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 9-2, calls are free 0808 800 6000. I hope this helps. Take care,

Jo, Facilitator

3

Hi. So sorry that you are suffering so much with this. I don’t know where you live but if it is anywhere near a Maggies centre they could provide you and your mum with a lot of support. They appreciate that a cancer diagnosis affects the whole family not just the sufferer. You can go in as often as you want and say what you want and get support not just from the staff but from other visitors. You can also usually get a one to one counselling session if you feel it would help. Also you will see people further down the road to recovery than your mum currently is which lets you see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I finished my treatment ten months ago I still like to call in for a chat or a relaxation class.Your stepfather would find support there too.
I am concerned for your own health from things you say in your post. It might be that you need to see your GP regarding the stress you are under. A little time away from work till you get to grips with it all could maybe help and your GP could probably help you with that.
Regarding your boyfriends attitude I have found from my own experience that a lot of people react that way as a coping mechanism. Everyone is different. Some people like to talk about difficult things and some like to think about them as little as possible.
Finally I would say that once your mum finishes the chemo everything will probably be a bit better. She should start to feel a lot better and obviously her hair will start to come back. A year ago I was completely bald but have since had five haircuts! Chemo can be he’ll but it doesn’t go on forever-it just seems that way when you are going through it.
Wishing you all the best and hoping things improve for you soon.

4

My mum is having surgery today and I feel helpless because I cant be there (overcrowding in hospitals) so instead I’m trolling through forum comments lol. My mum is the strong one in our family and when mum isn’t around its my job to be strong. I’ve cut myself off from my friends because I don’t want to get upset in front of them. I’m the happy go lucky kinda friend. Always got a little joke or silly story to tell. I’m the one people come to when they are down or need support. How can I be weak in front of my friends who have depended on me for years? Or in front of my family who depend on me now more than ever. I’m devastated about my mum shes genuinely one of my best friends. And I’m not doing that my mums got cancer so now shes my best friend rubbish lol. So i understand your despair. I feel it too.
But then theres the guilt that goes with it. Why me? Why my mum? Why now? I haven’t got time for this right now. Thats the one thats killing me at the moment. I’ve been working toward a promotion which was supposed to be this month…but how can i take time off work to help mum after her op and expect a promotion? Not now! I’ve got too much going on. So instead, like you I cry to myself. I cry for my mum and I cry for myself. And then the guilt eats at me for even thinking that way. Who would be that selfish? I’m not the one suffering. It’s all too much.
Unfortunately though thats the hand we have been dealt. So the only way I’m getting by day to day is by being cruel to myself. So this is what I will tell you too.
1.Stop crying at work! Leave personal problems at the door and earn your wage. Plus you probably look like a nutter and/or a drama queen because believe me when I say no one will understand why your acting like a loony (Obviously you can’t control inwardly the rush of random and mixed emotions) but you can on the outside.
2. Men are rubbish. They don’t understand anything! Let alone complex emotions. So don’t punish your fella. He can’t help the fact he was born a man and therefore is an emotional retard.
3. Your friend/boss is still your boss and if your snotting on the desk she has to do something about that. But telling all your colleagues your personal business makes her unprofessional and incompetant as a manager (I’m a restaurant manager) and it also makes her a terrible friend!!

If you need someone to talk to add me on FB my name is

Hope being cruel was being kind,
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

5

Hi metoyou

Im so sorry about your mum and you are clearly struggling and care an awful lot for your mum. Some very good advice from annemarie and you will get lots of support on here. Perhaps you could call the helpline too they are very caring and helpful and may be able to shed more light on things for you. Beautiful poems! Big hugs hun x

Gemma - I dont think being cruel was being kind. I found your advice very harsh to someone who is clearly distraught. Im sorry about your mum situation and its obvious you care a lot for her but lashing out at others is not good for anyone including yourself. Please dont push people away. Perhaps you could also give the helpline a call and talk things out x

6

Hi metoyou,

I am also in the same situation as you. I am in my early twenties and like you, the best years of my life are right now. I cant help the occasional thought " why me, why now?" too. I just wanted to be normal. But if you look at it, God gives everyone exactly the amount of difficulty that they can handle. Not more, not less. Dont despair and try to be happy. Your mum will love you for it and be very proud of you. Stop by her place everyday or call her. Help out with cooking etc if you can. Do anything that you can, but balance out work too. And also, do volunteer work at a hospital or give for charity. Seeing others more helpless than you makes you feel better. Sorry that sounds too selfish ! but it really works for me and the upshot is that someone ends up being helped while making me happy. So its a win win.

Keep writing!
Aditi