Hi! I have 2 brothers, one lives in England & the other lives 10mins walk from where I live. The one in England has been over to see me twice since my diagnoses, but the one who lives up the road made a 5min call on Boxing Day to drop off presents other than that he and/or his fiancée have never called for an hour or so to see how I am. I also have a friend who told me that they would visit me in a couple of weeks time & that was 4mths ago, I haven’t seen or heard from her since! I know I have enough to worry about but it just infuriates me & I don’t understand how people can just not want to visit someone who’s not well especially with cancer. If the boot was on the other foot I’d be up at their house trying to help around the house etc!
Sadly not uncommon. My sister doesn’t know if I’m alive or dead - she’s not been in touch since I told her of my primary dx in March 09 - OK, I’ve not contacted her, but having not even had an “I’m sorry” response to the news I don’t really feel so inclined.
A couple of friends weren’t able to cope with the news either - one got back in touch after my active treatment was over, but now I’m back on the treadmill with secondaries I don’t know how long that will last. Another - strangely my closest bosom pal - just dropped me.
But - bright side - you’ll find some who you thought were acquaintances who are there when you need them, and your relationship with those people will change and get stronger.
Go with the flow - you can’t change others and how they react, but brooding over it will do you no good, now of all times when you need your strength.
Nina
Thanks Nina, your response made me feel a lot better. I was beginning to think ‘was it me?!’. You’re right about the others who I viewed as acquaintances, a girl I worked with & our desks where right beside each other, we got on quite well at work but never really had a friendship outside of work, she’s been the one person that has made the effort to keep in contact since my diagnoses & my neighbours at home have been very kind xo
Pam,
I really think men find it hard to deal with breast cancer. When my brother was dying of lung cancer my four other brothers gathered round and did what they could. Since my diagnosis they have all visited me once, whereas my sister who lives twenty miles away, comes to take me out for coffee every week and has taken me for my chemotherapy to give my husband a break.
People stay away because they don’t know how to handle your illness. It seems hard that you have to do the work but if someone matters to you, give them a ring and tell them how you’re doing. If they’re worth anything, they’ll make the next move. If not, you’ll be well off without them.
As Nina says, you are beginning to find your real friends now. Be glad of them and let the rest go. You don’t need people who don’t want to share your life when it gets tough.
Wishing you and Nina all the best on your journey. You will find great friends here.
Kathleen
Pam,
Yes some of my friends have been fantastic, others we have not heard from since we told them of my diagnosis. My OH is especially hurt that some of his closest friends have not supported him. It is the cancer word, some people just cannot cope with it, even though you’d think they’d realise it is harder for us.
I have found people at work have also been different. I work in the NHS but some have been downright tactless, or just totally ignore the situation.Some though have been great.
Don’t take it to heart, it doesn’t mean they don;t care, they just cannot cope with it.
Fiona
Thank you Nina, Fiona & Kathleen. I feel better now, knowing that I’m not the only one having experienced this xo
Pam,
I am so sorry this has happened to you. But I was diagnosed in November had WLE & lymph node removal & have finished Rads yesterday. I have found exactly the same with my so called friends. People I have known a long time have suddenly just disappeared and I have not heard from them at all. The others I hear from occasionally. I have found I have been left very much on my own with my husband to deal with it. Even some family members have been the same. Someone said I shouldn’t be hard on people but i’m not in a very forgiving place at the moment. These so called friends are not true friends in my eyes. I am getting through it with a BCC volunteer ringing me, my husband & a few family members that ring when they think of it. I really believed people would be there for me as I had been for them. But this I have found is not the case hense I have had a clean out of my phone and facebook account. If I can get through this without these people then why would I want them in my life when its over! Good luck and I hope your friends come round.
Loads of love xx
Pam, I very much agree with Fiona - its not that these people don’t care, it’s just that they can’t cope and don’t know what to say or do. And then if they leave it too long they find it even harder to get back in touch… I have had the same experience since my diagnosis. The Macmillan website has a booklet about ‘talking to people with cancer’ which I believe has some good tips on how to help people whom you don’t want to lose as friends but who appear not to know how to handle all this.
I have made some really good new frends along the treatment route though, and hope you do too.
Christine
Hi. I had a similar thing at new year. We always spend new years eve with a group of friends and this year 1/2 of them decided not to come. I phoned them up nd said please please come (may be my last new years eve) but they made various excuses nd did not come. So, I was really sad…and cross!! Anyway, we ended up having a lovely eve with the other half!! People are odd…I do wish they would say ‘this is too hard’ rather than make excuses!! Two of them have lost their mothers to cancer and so I’m sure it is hard…but I’m still here and wanting to party (…well, some of the time!!!)
Sadie Xx Xx