Hi my mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She just had a double masectomy. I am coping with this and so is she but I am not coping with how my younger sister is behaving. Since the diagnosis she has put her in debt. She has screamed and shouted at her and to top it all off she went to the hospital the day she got out of surgery and started arguing across the bed with another family member. I know everyone deals with cancer differntly but surely this is not normal or acceptable. Has anyone else had a family member go off the rails and how did you deal with this?
my 17 yr old daughter hasnt took it too well she became a nightmare swearing and shouting all the time i was ready to walk didnt know wot to do for the best then wens we were on our own and i had talked about her in this group i happend to read out wot i had put and she burst into tears she was finding the whole things so very hard to deal with thought she would have to step into my shoes and be mom which i told wasnt going to happen but a little help around the house would help me out loads i was dx in feb and it took her this long to come out with it being a pain was her way of dealing with it she didnt think it was just making matters worse it was so good to sit and talk and even cry together give your sister time talk to her show her you are there if she needs to talk but most of all dont bit if she goes off on one easy said then done i know she is after attention and gets it when she kicks off for all the wrong reason i thought my daughter was being selfish untill she told me how she felt it was her way of dealing with it all we still have runs ins but she has been more helpful the last week than she has ever been
hi,
its a difficult one, how old is your sister, and is she acting out of character, everyone deals with this differently,
you may need to give her time, but if you can, i would approach her and try to explain her behaviour is upsetting everyone,
try to keep calm, and if it looks as if it is going to kick her off, just leave it, and maybe try again at a later date,
it is very difficult when emotions are running high for everybody, i am sure things will be ok it just maybe take a while.
all the best liz xxx
Hi KitKat
Sorry to hear about your mum and also the situation with your sister. My first reaction would be to speak to your sister when all is calm and run through the ‘putting yourself in your mum’s shoes’ situation. However, the reaction of your sister seems to be a fairly common occurrence and it could be down to one or two things of which age/maturity may be factors.
- Your sister (younger)may be reaching that time of her life when she feels vulnerable and attention seeking, especially if she is the bottom of the sibling ladder and particualrly if she is in her teens. Your mum is now the focus of everyone’s attention and your sister may be feeling left out. Her irrational attitude may therefore be simply attention seeking. It seems unfair that she should be wanting attention when it should be about your mum, but teenage minds are difficult to fathom out. I can remember what an arse I was when I was a teen.
Of course I am making the assumption that she is in her teens.
- Your sister may be uber scared. Some people’s reactions to dealing with a loved one’s diagnosis are offensive defensive. When my wife was diagnosed I was initially very upset and very angry as everything was suddenly pulled out from under me. I am aware that one or two people may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time when I had a gut busting rant. I was petrified about our future together. As a typical bloke the corked bottle needed a release and unfortunately when the pressure goes it comes out in an uncontrolled manner and often in the most inappropriate circumstances. Feather light triggers is all it takes.
The only way you can work out what the issue is, is to maybe take your sister out to somewhere on neutral territory and talk to her about it all by explaining how you feel and then ask her how she is feeling about it. Try and get her to appreciate the ‘see it from your mum’s shoes’ and that stressing your mum will prolong her recovery and the longer that takes the longer it will take for you all to return to ‘normal’ family life. Then give her a big hug to let her know she is not on the periphery.
An additional thought is getting her to do the race for life with you and she can see the hundreds of others that are in the same boat and she can feel that she is contributing positively to the experience.
Just some of my thoughts.
I wish you all the best for your mum, your sister, you and your friends and family, at what is a rubbish time for you all.
Rich
4 years ago my mum had a brain haemorrhage, 2 ops later she has recovered well, almost 2 years ago my dad was told he had throat cancer, this was only a few months after mums second very invasive op mum coped very well with this news. Dad had a total lyranxectomy and now talks with an electolyranx and eats only soft food!!! telling them that i had BC was scary. But they coped really well… until… when in hospital for my 2nd op the MX my parents came down to stay (they live 2 hours away). on the way to the hospital my mother went into one of her paddies ( she has done these for years!) my husband was driving her and my son who is 12. She got herself all worked up declaring that as my brother hadnt bother much with me since the news she was a bad mother , that she wanted out of the car and wanted to kill herslf!!!. that made my son feel really good!I only know about this as i could tell something had gone on and so asked after parents had gone home… no secrets in thsi house. Have decided to not let on to mum that i know until all my treatment is over… any opinons would help on how to deal!
Sorry to Kitkat that things havent been great for you too. I guess we are all only human!