Family Overseas

Public Archive
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Hi All

I wonder if anyone can help ? My family live in the usa and i am here with my husband and son. after years of not visiting they have descended on me with regular visits following my secondaries diagnosis. I feel under enormous pressure when they are here to look after them, stay positive, explain the medical situation (which i find hard to talk about) take time off work which I have put huge effort into, and take time away from family. Not to mention the effort of looking like I am not deteriorating as it would be distressing to them.

I do appreciate they love me and want to see me, and I do want to spend some time with them…but how do i manage this? has anyone else negotiated this minefield ? would welcome any thoughts.

Cathy

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I think you should be straight with them, say you’d like them to do, and make it clear that you want to be treated as normal not as someone they feel sorry for. After all, they are only doing what they are doing to be supportive. So they need to understand if they aren’t being

it’s your life and you are entitled to live it the way you want

Mole

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Hi Cathy
we moved to Cornwall 6 yrs ago sec diagnosed 2004 in the beginning everyone wanted to visit and that was fine but over the last couple of years we dont give out as many invites. I t is hard because you dont want to upset but I always say let me get back to you. Leave it a couple of days and them make an excuse re treatment. My mother in law wanted to come with her grandson I had to say it would be too difficult 2 bedrooms plus a 50 year age gap it would just be too much. She wasnt impressed but to be honest I wasnt either as she has only ever been here when we have driven to Manchester to pick her up. We did suggest to grandson he waits a couple of months and comes with a friend he was fine with that but she got a bit tetchy. So sorry no easy answer but I do wish you luck and if you find a way please share it.
Love Debsxxx

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Hi Cathy

As Debs has said, there’s no easy answer, especially when your family live over 3,000 miles away and you don’t see them very often. I’m American, and I’ve lived in the UK for over 35 years – before I had my primary BC dx in 1997, no one came to see me here, but then my Mom made my brother come over for a visit – a very difficult event, as he’d never been anywhere outside the USA and was also very freaked out by my illness (so was I!). I was at the end of CMF chemo (after surgery, before radiotherapy) and was quite unwell when he was here – my partner spent her time madly cooking his lamb chops and anxiously holding a bucket for me to be sick in – would have been funny, but wasn’t!

Yes, your family are probably very worried about you, and are visiting often to make sure they see you a lot while you’re “well”, i.e. before . . . (their imagination will fill in those dots). I do think that you can and should be clear with them about what you/they can and cannot do when they visit, i.e. they need to stay somewhere else (not your home) so you have some rest and peace; they also need to understand that you won’t be able to give them all your time and hospitality – I know this is hard to do with family, but you are obviously finding it difficult, and need some respite.

My brother is visiting me next month – this is the first time he’s been here since my BC mets diagnosis in 2003, but I’ve been to see him in the States a couple of times. I’m feeling well enough now to accommodate him and even take him here & there (I took early retirement last year, so have more time now), but will certainly tell him to make his own entertainment/breakfast/bed if I’m feeling rough when he gets here.

Hope you feel more confident and therefore less stressed soon!

Marilyn x

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Hi Cathy,
Family - a blessing and an occasional blight. I’m Oz-born but my parents are English and they, my father’s much younger son by second marriage and my sister and I have all lived on this side of the world for decades - more at home in Europe. Only my aggression-challenged older brother remains in Australia, where I feel he is definitely more at home. My ancient father has been here in Finland for me for my first round of chemo as husband has been working in Argentina and I owe him an unrepayable debt of gratitude - but that’s what family’s for. My 29-year old half brother has just been here for four days, going back to London today and my eyes well up at the thought because I had a hand in bringing him up and he’s like my ‘first son’. It’s been a bit of work cooking up but they and my son have been doing the nasty jobs. My beloved sis comes in 3 weeks for 5 days. She’s already asserted that she is bringing her Marigolds and is going to do the house from top to bottom - she’s like that. I’ll sit and read bits out of OK! and we’ll laugh a lot. My mother has been pressing to come but in her dreams - she’s very high maintenance and was born without a maternal cell in her body. She induces suicidal notions when I am fit and well - she’d kill me off in my present state. I had to tell her by email a few days ago that I am SCARED to even talk to her on the phone because the last time she called she asked how I was; I told her “not too bad” and she replied, charmingly, “I can’t just tell people that”. She’s touting me and my condition around her ghastly cronies like a freak show at a fair. Coincidentally or otherwise I was in hospital four hours later with a raging infection. Not a whisper out of her since so she is obviously furious. I’ve disconnected the land line as we are cell phone users & I can monitor incoming more efficiently. If she gets over this and starts nagging to come again, I’ll just say that even helpful visitors exhaust me and the doc has said I am not to have any more.

Same goes for long-lost bro - who has decided he is coming later in the year with his 2 kids. I’ve seen none of them for 16 years and every time I’ve seen him in the last 30 there has been a horrid incident involving his violence - he hits one of his now-nearly-grown-up children (poor mites), or he drinks half a bottle of whisky and bangs his head against a wall till it bleeds or gets thrown out of a nightclub for picking a fight with a few innocent customers who don’t know what has hit them. He’s threatened my father with a shotgun in the past and the old dad is despondent at the thought that he can’t avoid having him to stay in Wales - but they are not coming here to Finland. “Against doctor’s orders” again. If I am up to it I’ll visit him there - if not, too bad. Later, if I recover.

You’ve got to be tough. Me first. “When this is over. At present there is nothing to see. Visit a local hospital and cheer people who don’t get visitors and think of me. I’m thinking of you” - yeah, and you wouldn’t like what I’m thinking. Tell them that your mental state is so fragile that having them to stay when you haven’t seen them for such a long time would feel like goodbye and you couldn’t possibly deal with it. Tell them anything, but tell them no. Me first.

If you can’t stop them coming to the UK - make it quite clear that they cannot stay in the house because of your weird sleeping patterns & because the smell of cooking food makes you vomit, and give them the address/website of nearby accommodation. Say you’re not up to making arrangements. Play the cancer card for the grim reaper that it pictures. All this ‘crying tough’ is good when it suits you, right out when it causes inconvenience or fatigue.

All the best, M-L

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Hi all

Thanks for all your thoughtfful replies, its clear that I am not alone in this blessing blight thing. I really do resent them killing me off before I am gone, right now I am leading a relatively normal life, next month who knows. They are convinced I am hiding something from them.

I will stick to my guns on not really staying at the house and the boundaries that i have set up, but its clear that there are no easy solution here and that I am not alone in Not finding this easy…

love to all
cathy

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Hi Cathy,
although my family (well, only got an elder sister now as parents and twin brother are dead) only live some 600 miles away, it could be the other side of the world. After I had my two surgeries, WLE and total axillary removal, my sister insisted on coming to see me - I have always had a difficult relationship with her, and my husband has absolutely no time for her at all, as he says she operates on “simplex, not duplex” - i.e. she never listens and talks over everybody.She even follows me to the loo, standing outside the door, continuing with her monologues!

She, husband and two sons have spent the majority of their summer holidays with me, either in England, or Spain where I lived for 8 years, and she has never so much as picked up a dirty cup or glass. I have no children, worked 12-14 hours a day in my husband’s electronics company, and she thought she was doing me a favour coming to stay so I could see my nephews. They never took us out for a meal, and when I came home from work, she would have her feet up on a sofa reading a book, boys playing in the snooker room, with not even the dining table set - you get the picture I am sure.

I couldn’t really say no to a visit after my surgeries, but I told her in no uncertain terms they could not stay with us - we have a 2 bedroom apartment and a double sofa bed so could have accommodated them, but I was determined this would be the beginning of a sea change in our relationship. I gave her the phone number of a local pub/restaurant 10 miles away, that has comfortable rooms and asked her to make her own arrangements, figuring if I made them, I would end up paying the bill. She, husband and 30 yr old son came, and I think it was the first time in 40 years I relaxed with her, as I was not rushing around doing 3 meals a day.

However, once I found out my cancer had spread, my husband decided we should buy another apartment in the Fort where we live, in case my disease was terminal, and we could put a “carer” in there. We were also thinking about our future, as hubby is 80 yrs this year and not in good health, and with my Crohn’s, I never know when I am going to have a flare and need care at home. I cannot for one second believe my sister could, or would, take care of either of us.
Fortuitously, I am doing fine (5 yrs later), so it is wonderful to have family and friends stay there - which gives us all some space. We have two American couples, also repatriated to their home countries now, who each come to stay here for 2 weeks every year, and they respect the fact that we do not need to be with each other 24/7 - works wonderfully, as they help with the shopping, cooking and clear up. We tend to go out to eat alternative days, and they usually retire to the other apt in the evening after an early supper, as we have put sat t.v. in, and a DVD player with some 100+ films. The apt is fully equipped so they make their own breakfast.

Although I have been to Florida on my own during the past 5 years, (one of my friends was having a malignant kidney tumour removed, after a lung removal), I prefer to stay home where I feel “safe”, and if people want to see us, they know our domestic arrangements.

Don’t feel guilty at all about not accommodating family - they are not going through what you are, and you need quiet time for yourself, without looking after other people.
Take care, and stick to your guns"
Liz.

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Liz

I love your suggestion ! also really understand what you say some people think that the sheer pleasure of their children’s company removes the end for any social nicety…

Your solution would work with my brother and sister but not my parents as they want to spend time with me and are not helpful, and indeed were totally shocked when i brought up the concept of helping…thought I would give it a go. I have had three lots of relatives come and none of them have offered to baby-sit my son for an hour so that my husband and I could go out. As he is disabled they are frightened of him. Its the truth and now I have said it they may not come back!

So at moment I am now free of relatives and am looking forward to some peace and quiet, but there is definitely a common thread here - my experience is that relatives are not alot of help here and it is the rare one who is thoughtful and sensitive , and others have shared it Perhaps this is why we all look out for Zotam’s posts ?

M-L You also really hit on something there, my mental state is about Ok at moment but I can’t do the goodbye thing , feel like they are all descending to say goodbye and sometimes I think certain things are better left unsaid (if that makes sense).

take care all

Cathy