Had lumpectomy, WLE and mammoplasty. 4 lymph nodes removed, all negative, but have lymphodema. Back six months later for symmetry on other boob. Coming up to two year mammogram and the nightmares and anxiety are back. Not scared of cancer coming back or the hideous treatment - it’s the fact I’d have to have a mastectomy and I just can’t cope with it. It’s in my head during the day and keeps me awake at night. I’ve had long conversations with myself about it, tried to think positive and appreciate all I have but nothing works. I know there’s reconstruction and the results are pretty good (I’ve looked at pics) but it still doesn’t help. Tried antidepressants but they made me ill. Tried to talk to family/friends but they don’t understand it and can’t help. Don’t know why I’m putting this post up really, cos nothing said is going to help. Filling up with tears as I type. Oh hell.
Hello madmaggie, please don’t cry, you are definitely in the right place to get lots of support. Hearing from others that they have times when they feel exactly the same, can help you feel that you are not alone. I often just have a look on this site and see a post that describes just how i am feeling, it helps me to think its not just me! What you have been through is a massive shock emotionally and a rollercoaster of good days and not so good days. I think an anniversary of diagnosis can trigger all your memories of what you have been through. I have my 5 year check up next week and I am nervous and anxious about it. Everyone tells me 'oh you’ll be fine but what do they know! I find sometimes writing it all down can get it out your head as it tends to go round and round until it feels like it will explode. Hope this helps and happy to chat more if you need to, I’m a good listener. Sending a big hug your way…xxx
Hi madmaggie
I know exactly what you are feeling, had my one year mammogram and follow up with my surgeon yesterday. But over the last two to three weeks have been working out in my head what I would do if not given the all clear. Kept all my work up to date so if I was off for treatments, my colleagues would be able to find everything, worked out my social calendar so no clashes, literally left the whole of this month clear of any appointments. Disturbed sleep and then grouchy because of being tired and all the time the nagging in your mind of what will be the outcome. Glad to say that I was all clear, mammograms fine and surgeon happy with everything, next check up with him in January 2020. Just to be able to put this down in writing has helped and reading that other women get the same anxieties is a great help. Hope all goes well with two year check.
Hi madmaggie - you’ve had some good advice from Poppy and Squirrel. As it is the thought of a mastectomy that frightens you most I wonder if you’d like to chat about it, if you think that might help take away the fear of the unknown? I had a mx in May 2017 so would be happy to answer any questions. Though you need to try to focus on the fact that you aren’t having a mx, this is a thought you are having and is not a fact.
You’ve come to the right place to offload and get support - chat away and let others help where they can.
Sending you big hugs.
Evie xx
Have you had your two year check up yet, madmaggie? Let us know how it went. I am due to have my first mammogram and consultation with the surgeon in September and I have begun to feel anxious. I do find it helps to try and work out what really worries me. Why exactly is the thought of having a mastectomy so frightening to you? In my case, it is the thought of having to go through all the chemo and radiotherapy again. It took over our lives for months, and I just don’t feel ready to deal with it again. And I want to get my life back. But perhaps you can’t do that when you have had a breast cancer?