FED UP AND JUST NEED A MOAN

I havnt posted on here for quite a while, although I do come on and read posts regularly. I just need a bit of a vent at the mo. My story is, diagnosed April 08, grade 2 stage 2, multifocal + DCIS left breast. I was 36, with two children, boy aged 3 and girl aged 8. Had chemo x 6 (suposed to be 8 but Taxotare was not working for me and I had alurgic reaction to it on no 6)followed by mast, + lymph node clearance 6/21 involved. Rads x15. Dec 08 Ooprectomy as highly er+ Started Femara, which didnt appear to give me any problems. Started Herceptin in Jan this year and just had no 8 this week, that seems ok. I am having LD recon on 19th Aug (cant wait)

Here’s my vent… I just feel CRAP at the minute! I feel tired, dizzy sometimes, I ache in the mornings, my kids fight all the time, I open my mouth and complete s**t comes out, cant remember what Im saying half the time. I spend half of my time being very positive, the other half self diagnosing every ache and pain as secondry cancer. I am on anti depressants for mood swings brought on by surgical menopause (god knows what I would be like without them) I feel like I take pills for everything, which just make me feel rough somewhere else.

Dont get me wrong, I am very grateful to be recvg Herceptin and Femara and am soooo looking forward to my recon, I have returned to work recently on reduced hours, which I enjoy. My husband works for himself so the majority of child care is left to me, but they are both at school, and for obvious reasons he needs to keep going to work.

I have a fantastic family, brill friends, good social life, nice house, car etc, 2 week holiday to look forward to in July just before my recon, so why do I feel rubbish, mardy and exhaused, ie got up today at 12, been and done the Adsa shop put the meet in the oven, now im having to sit down before getting tea ready. Im sorry to moan as I know that there are many more on here with more serious problems and mine must seem trivial to them.

As I write my two kids are once again scrapping upstairs!!! Arrrrrh

Please tell me I wont feel like this forever.

Hi Ness1,

Good For you…what’s the saying!! better out than in??? you’ve been trundling along, dealing with all this for over a year and it seems that you are coping with it very well… you wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel the need to vent… so vent away. we’ll all still be here for you… and no, you won’t feel like this forever, things do get better.

All the best

Fiona xxx

Hi Ness1

It sounds like you haven’t given yourself a break. With young children and OH running a business, I bet you’ve still been running the house as well as dealing with all the treatment. I know it’s a cliche, but you need some you time to come to terms with everything that has happened.

My story is aged 39 at dx, grade 3, nodes involved, had WLE chemo then 30 rads, now on tamoxifen. Girls aged 4 and 2 at dx. Finished rads at end of Nov, returned to work 1/2 time in Jan then 3/4 the full time from after Easter. I was a mess when I went back to work, often cried all the way there. There had been a lot of changes in the 8 mths I was off, and I didn’t feel at all like me, head everywhere. I felt under a lot of pressure to go back when I did as I’m the breadwinner and OH is full time Dad. I hadn’t really cried at all before that. The 20 mins a day driving to work became the me time and allowed me to get used to the new ‘normal’ we all live with. Every ache and pain I diagnose as secondaries, I think we all do, but it is getting easier since some recent scans I had were all clear.

It does get easier to live with, you will find your way.
Hugs and good luck

Kinden
x

hi ness1,

i think you have been so brave to say what you have… there is such pressure for us to be over ‘it’! does that ever happen? i was dx feb 08, 5cm lump,( not good at medical talk) 6 x chemo ( really ill thru out, loads of stays in hosp) mastectomy in july, 25 x rads in sept and my reconstruction is in 2 days!!! tummy boob here i come. o and i’m on tamoxifen. i went back to work 3 days a week in jan. BUT i am constantly exhausted and never feel 100% well and spend my life thinking i’ve got secondries…

i just want you to know you’re not alone and as always with this desease what you are feeling is normal. i’m just a little ahead of you and not had half as much and i soo know what you mean. why don’t the words i want to come out of my mouth when i want them to.

not sure of way forward coz i too have a wonderful family and friends and they want us better don’t they? so there is pressure not to tell all our thoughts and not to worry them. yet i do think it is important to share with someone, i’ve recently been thinking of joining a support group, thinking i would find a friend to confide in. my friends on here have been life savers and i’ve now found someone local to me from one of my threads. i know talking won’t change things physically but i think it really helps when someone understands where you are coming from.

you will get better… you are such a fighter, look how far you have already come! you are amazing and never forget it,

take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and look forward to the recon…

lots of love,

lenny
xxxx

Hi Ness,

I am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time of it. Try to be easy on yourself. You have been through a lot and cancer medication, even herceptin, has side effects.

By the way, the sentence ‘I open my mouth and complete s**t comes out, cant remember what Im saying half the time’ describes a problem that can arise from herceptin. Although no oncologist seems to recognise it as a symptom, the phrase ‘abnormal thinking’ appears in the packet warning and when I looked it up it turned out to be things like slowed thinking and difficulty recalling words (fortunately not paranoid schizophrenia, which is what I thought would be ‘abnormal thinking’). I was really bad. My three year old thought I was hilarious because I would say the wrong wrongs (unfortunately my students found me considerably less hilarous). The problems with words went away about six weeks after I stopped the herceptin. Herceptin can also cause problems with tiredness and insomnia. So, some of the lousiness that you are feeling will go away when you get out of treatment. You just have to keep keep in mind that the lousiness will pass and you will feel better in a few months.

Thank you Feemac, Kindensurprise, Lenny + ChristineMH for all of your kind words.

Lenny - Good luck with the recon (tomorrow??)Please come back on this thread and let me know how it all went when you are feeling up to it.

ChristineMH - my kids (now 4 + 9) also think its hilarous when I say wrong things too. Hopefully its down to the Herceptin then and there is a light at the end of the very very very long tunnel!

Thanks again ladies. xxx

Hi Ness,

I am about a year ahead of you - dx Feb 07, finished herceptin Dec 08. I am feeling so much better now. At the moment I have the hot flushes under control (that seems to wax & wane) so am sleeping quite well, I am now taking a supplement called phyto-power, as an extra defence against the cancer returning (made by Kingsgate Health - google it), but it has had the added bonus of clearing my chemo brain, so I no longer feel like my brain is in a constant fog. So all in all life is good. So hang on in there, you will finally finish herceptin and improve.

Best wishes
xx

thanks roadrunner. Only 10 more Herceptin infusions to go. Another one and I’ll be half way there. Feeling happier today.
xx