fed up giving him 1 more chance.

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It’s been a while since I have aired my views on this forum but have had a rough week with my husband.

Some of you may well remember my moans about him not finding work and us using all our savings to pay bills when i was going through so much with BC…

Now I have reached a point where i don’t think I can live with him any longer.

He has always had mood swings and before BC, we would row, get over it, make up and go on. Now i feel life is just too short to do that.

We have’nt spoken for a few days and tonight I, as usual, made the effort to get life back to normal. We went out for a bar meal, and during the meal he began his ‘I don’t agree with what you said so i am going to respond by not responding’ stance!!!

I told him I could tell from his body language that he didn’t agree, and it would just be polite to respond, not act like I hadn’t said anything. He doesn’t seem to be able to communicate with me on any level now. What ever i say is wrong and he is down right rude when he simple ignores me and doesn’t answer.

I had lunch with a good friend the other day and when i told her what he does. says, and what i put up with, I was shocked to see tears in her eyes! I think over the years I have de-sensitised to him and his bad manners, rudeness and down right nastiness.

As an example of his behaviour. I met my son in a travel agents where he was booking a surprise romantic wk end away for him and his wife. Afterwards he told me that the shop assistant had said I looked to young to be his Mum. He said i would be chuffed and so told me later. When i told my OH, he said perhaps our son looks older than he is! We didn’t row, but I said that had been a very insensitive thing to say to me at a time when my self esteem has been low and I have hated how i look, and am just starting to losse weight and get fit without any support from him.

It seems I have to be cautious before I speak to him, but he can say what he likes to me.

I’ve had enough. This time I must start making steps to leave him, he’s no good for me. Lifes too short.

Irene

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Hi Irene,

I am sorry to hear about the decisions you face.

I haven’t read your other threads on this matter and so can only go by what I have read tonight. You have obviously been thinking this through for sometime. As an outsider you appear to be quite level headed about your needs, they are not too demanding. With or without breast cancer you have a right to be treated in a civil manner and have your self esteem maintained not undermined.

A husband or partner who cannot put into a relationship should not expect to get anything out. Relationships need to be nurtured all the time. Even happy marriages need lots of work to keep them that way.

Life can easily become one huge rut and to use your word a desensitising experience. I feel that BC can actually give you a fresh look at life. Look at what is worth investing in what small things can give you pleasure. Your family appear old enough to look after themselves, this includes your husband.

If you really feel you need to take that step then I am sure you can because you have no dependents, you have a vision to make a single life work. Please don’t be dragged down by the negative influences be they friends, colleagues or unfortunately by the sound of it your husband.

This sounds judgemental but it is said with sincerity, I am very shocked to hear how you are treated. My marriage has been on the whole very happy, we have had our downs but never once in 32 years have I ever been treated with disrespect. But this is not about me, I just want to let you know it doesn’t have to be they way you describe things.

What ever you decide I hope you feel at peace with it because then you will see some happiness through this difficult journey with cancer.

Take care.

Carol

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Irene - my heart breaks for you. I put up with a very abusive first marriage - physical and mental. I think that is why I got Crohn’s, although there is no scientific evidence, but stress does indeed exacerbate the disease. My first husband got a life sentence for trying to kill his 2nd wife and 2 young children with a crow bar. His younger son was left with serious brain damage.

Don’t put up with it - I left with just the clothes on my back, very ill with Crohn’s and my husband saying he was going to bring his pregnant mistress to live with us. He didn’t marry her in the event as she only stayed with him one week and hot footed it back to Australia, from whence she came. I went some 400 miles away to live with my elder sister, husband and 1 yr old baby and they got my life back together. A year later I met my 2nd husband and we have been happily married for 34 yrs. You only have one life, and I don’t believe anyone should live in an abusive situation, even if it is mental abuse.

I too, had no self esteem then - I had a high flying job in London, earned 4 times what my husband did and he was jealous of my ability to make something of myself - a hick Northerner as he thought I was. He wouldn’t even let me speak at a dinner party as I had a “Northern” accent. I was just so very naive, 19 yrs when I first got married, and really stupid to let this guy control me that way. When I got Crohn’s I weighed 5 stones through misdiagnosis, and after 9 months of being in and out of various hospitals, a laparotomy and steroids, I weighed 10 stones. Not good at 5’2".

Oh, I don’t really want to think about those bad times now - just to say,get the resolve to do something positive about your intolerable situation and make a new life for yourself. Your husband is never going to change, and do you really want to live with a man who puts you down? I don’t think so. See a solicitor and get the finances sorted out before you do anything. I was told by a solicitor I saw that I should just get a removal truck and take everything out of our home - that I had paid for, but sadly I was too ill to sort it all out. I left with absolutely nothing, and he kept the beautiful 4 bedroom house I had paid the mortgage on. The solicitor also told me to take the car we had, which I had also paid for, but I couldn’t drive then! Gosh, wouldn’t hindsight be a wonderful thing?

Take care - pm me if I can help you further.

Liz.

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Hi Irene
Having met you and OH a few weeks ago and thinking everything was fine for you both i am so shocked and upset for you.
Obviously you were not going to share things then, when you first meet some one.

Will be in touch but anytime you need a listening ear and are in Liverpool your welcome here.

Hugs
Rx

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Hi Irene,

I can identify with what you are going through! whilst my experience is not my ex husband ( he wouldnt argue with me but bury his head in the sand!)

Its my partner of 4 years on/off, the mind games are awful…he didnt believe i had a,lump. thought i was attention seeking! though insisted at coming to hospital with me, and "supporting me through treatment, although we had split up a couple of weeks prior…We didnt live together, but he would be here 4/5 nights a week, his lab here 7!..id cook ect, never did anything other than control the remote control, ask my son to get him an ash tray, lie across the sofa…eat my food, drink my beer, when he didnt fall aslepp on sofa would get into my bed and roll over!..The other way!!..

the day my hair fell out i was in tears in shower, all he could say was “you knew it was going to happen” from My sofa!

Sorry im rambling and long winded, had periton and herceptin, and dexo! so any excuse!..

but i met a guy in june, cooks totally different…i split with him to give above another chance,crap…2 weeks ago bk with nice guy, other one promising me the sun , moon and earth, (along with threats of throwing the ropes up!! if i dont comply} i classic case of i dont want you but dont want anyone else too]

I need strength to tell him to go…phones off, doors locked…im such an insecure mess

You are right life is far too short…but what you know is comfortable, the unknown is hard…but could have great benefits…Out with the old and in with the knew…we are different people since diagnosis

I hope you have the strength to find happiness,

Jill

ps its great to write all my frustratiions down!

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Hi Gals

Specially Jill and Liz.

I hate to say it but I am so glad I am not alone, and so sorry you have had to endure so much too.

My husband is believe it or not, a gentle man. He has never made me feel un safe, but he sure knows how to totrure me mentally.

Ruth. Have sent a text and email. Thanks for your concern, will maybe ring you tomorrow daytime when I am home alone, after I have read the papers for cheap rented accom!

Love Irene