Feeing low - Deep Dark thoughts

Hi All,

Im 34 with 3 beautiful kids aged 2, 4 + 8. I’m on my 5th chemo and due my 6th nxt week. Anyhow I feel very emotional as I keep on thinking what will happen to my kids if i die? How will they feel to grow up without a mom? They r so young and so loved and if anything was to happen to me would anyone else be able to love them the way a loving mother can.(but i don’t want them to have anyone else to love them and be there mom because thats my job and then i feel i’m being selfish for thinking like this) I so want to be a part of their life and each time i try and speak to someone about this they tell me to stop being stupid and shut up. I tried to speak to my sis today who said don’t be silly and don’t go there and then i tried to speak to OH who told me i’m being stupid. I can’t stop crying because they are so precious to me and i want to be a part of their lifes where they remember me. My dad has told me to take anti depressants and i feel nobody is listening and just shrugging me off. I can’t help thinking like this.

I was also watching the bbc news this morning and they were talking about the walk in london for BC. There was some female doctor on there who also upset me as she said that treatment is far better now however the fatalities are often in younger ladies and that made me think what hope have i got. I know my diagnosis wasn’t to bad and the hardest thing to accept has been the lymph node involvement 5/9 - but i just feel so low and tearful and no-one in the family is listening to me. They keep on saying you’ve only got 3.5 months of chemo and then its all over but they just don’t understand.

I’m sitting here in a flood of tears once again as i don’t know who else to turn to who understands.

Please help???

Hi Sukes,

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so low at the moment. I would normally suggest that you phone the helpline and talk to one of the nurses there, as I am sure your thoughts and feelings are only natural, but as it’s Saturday night unfortunately the helpline is closed until Monday morning at 9am. If you still feel the same on Monday morning then do please phone the helpline on 0808 800 6000.

In the meantime the Samaritans are open 24/7 and will be only too willing to talk to you. Samaritans provides confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress. They are there for you if you’re worried about something, feel upset or confused, or you just want to talk to someone, telephone 0845 790 9090 samaritans.org.uk/

I’m sure your fellow forum users will be along shortly to give you some much needed support. Hope this helps

Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

Hey Sukes,
Let it out if you need to - and wish you could have someone with you who could cry with you and not try and turn you off. They don’t mean to - they are trying to cope too, and just as scared at the thought of what you are facing and how much they want you with them. But this is a lonely ride, and there’s no two ways about it. At this time of night - and nights are the worst - there’s only you and what you can find inside yourself to give you the strength to get up and keep going. Your kids are so little and need you so much - my own is 16 but just as precious. But it’s not a fruitful line of reflection. You simply must find a way to live day by day, for as much of each day as you can. There is no point in living in the future, especially one where you are visualising the worst. My dad - visiting from Wales to look after me for a month in OH’s absence - is 78 and for the first time since he has become noticeably elderly we have been able to discuss the need to live each day at a time because we both face doubtful futures, long term. It’s the only way. It’s dull, demanding, requires emotional repression - but you want to be there for your kids in full - whatever happens. It’s midnight here, my son was at a party for the first time in 2 months of getting over glandular fever and it started to bucket down - he’s on a moped. I rang to say I’d come and get him but he was on his way home already - and now he is under my roof again in dry clothes, eating a grilled beef sandwich I made for him and feeling spoilt and loving. It’s something that I’ve done for him that makes me feel good. Better than grieving with him about my fallen hair and the wait to hear whether I have ovarian secondaries - no one needs to know about that just yet. Except this life-line.

They love you, Sukes, they need you always. But they also need you right now. You’ve got to dig around and find yourself for them.

Big hug, all courage, love, M-L

Oh Sukes - I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Believe me I have been there too. I’m older than you- 47, I have 2 daughters, one who is older, age 21 and another who is 10. The 21 year old buries her head in the sand and never discusses the cancer with me - it’s too close to home for her as her dad died when she was 7, from lung cancer - and I think she just can’t face the thought of losing her mother too.

My 10 year old is completely the opposite. She talks about it all the time - and to be honest that is how I get through. My family sound like like yours - when I get the deep dark thoughts, and start weeping and wailing that I want to see my daughter get to high school, and grow up etc etc - they just tell me not to be so silly and of course I’ll see it.When I try and explain my prognosis, and how I feel that I maybe won’t - they just don’t listen.

The 10 year quite regularly asks me what will happen if I die - who will look after her, will her dad marry someone else(!?!), will she still live at home with dad - all the kinds of questions that make you realise just how much turmoil is going through her mind too. I answer her as honestly as I can, after trying to explain that I hope I’m not going to die. But being able to talk to her (rightly or wrongly because I don’t want to burden a 10 yr old with my problems lol) helps me to get by too.

If you continue to feel this way over the weekend, I would take up Jo’s suggestion to ring someone like the Samaritans - sometimes just being able to talk it through with someone detached from the situation can help you to see things more clearly. Treatments nowadays are so much more effective than they were - you only have to see how many people on here are still here and still giving support and encouragement to the rest of us many years after initial diagnosis. these are the thoughts you have to concentrate on.

I hope you manage to get through this dark time Sukes - and please remember we are all here for you

Margaret x

Your reaction is perfectly normal. It is not selfish to want to bring your children up, and it is very natural to believe you are the best person to provide that love. It is primeval, a gut thing, preservation, what ever you want to call it.

This is one cruel disease. You will have dark times, but believe me, you will come through them, and gradually they will lessen, and the brighter times will take over.

Good luck, and try to enjoy your kids as best you can.


Irene, Magz, M-L,

Thankyou for your comments.

I just can’t help look at them and feel sadenend by what they might feel or miss out on. I want to be a huge part of their lifes and want to have fun times with them and i do my best to do that but sometimes this illness can get the better of you. I will fight it but i can’t stop thinking like this.

i know we should live in the moment and today but its so hard to do that. I’ve always looked to the future but that is something hard to look at now and its hard to change your way of thought.

BC does make you appreciate whats nearest and dearest which is a good thing but its also sad that your long term visions may never be.

Thanks for your lovely words


i wrote a long thingie and then changed my mind about posting it.

Just know that someone else wishes you well and at 11pm it’s time you sleep if you can.

It is good for you yah right gah gru!

Sorry - it is good for all of us doing chemo to sleep or rest - i’ll write something maybe tomoz.

Just take care. it is ok, you are doing well

Jennifer xxx


just wanted to let u know i am thinking of you too. i was diaganosed three years ago, at the time my son was just a baby and it was awful. I kept a diary whilst going through chemotherapy and reread it just the other day, I couldnt believe the dark horrendous place i was in then. At that point in my life I would never have believed that three years down the line I would still be here. My son will be starting school in August, which i know will be a hugely emotional day for me as it was one i thought I would never see. I dont really know what to say only that you will get through this and although very hard for you just now and exhausting and you think you will never see any light at the end of the tunnel, you will. Take care of yourself x

hello Sukes

You are really having a hard time of it at the moment. You are at such a difficult point in your treatment coming up to number 6. The chemo pushes us to our absolute limits and your reserves are getting very low and its at times like this when we find ourselves questioning whether we really will come out the other side. try and remember that many many of us do now and there is every reason to think that you will too. Try and accept that these feelings are natural and normal and keep hold of the fact that when the chemo and rads [presuming you are having them] are over you will slowly start to feel better both physically and emotionally and you will be more able to cope with the bleak moments and not be completely overwhelmed by them.

Its a tough tough road we are travelling but you are not alone and, whilst no one can take away your fears for the future, together we can face them and deal with them as best we can.

Lots of Love

We all know exactly where you are coming from and are constantly trying to push the same thoughts out of our heads, just to be bombarded by them at night again. I just hate that waking in the middle of the night moment. I wondered whether it is the last chemo coming up that has made you panic as I already know that when they say off you go, treatment finished, I will be at my lowest, most vulnerable point. I think I may be more scared of walking back to normal life. I am not allowed to talk about ‘but what if’ by my family either but you could write all this down if it helps.
Spend lots of times with your lovely family and I hope you can soon feel more peaceful.
Lily x

Hi Sukes I send you my love and to tell you I have the thoughts to about my grandaugther, she is 4 months old and she was born five days after my 1st chemo.
My sons have had a disagreement and do not see one another the youngest is getting married in Sept and i doubt whether the one with baby and his wife will attend . It breaks my bl/dy heart as I am frightened I will die before my family get together again. Both sides are stubborn and I’ve begged them to get together for my sake(not asking for pity ) I do not want all this agro . I have two more chemos to go have had six and everyone as been a nightmare, sometimes I feel I ca’nt take anymore but have no choice if I want to live. I am older than you nearly 62 but would’nt mind another fifteen years to see my grandaughter grow up. I have always had a fear about dying and as I get older and have BC I find it even harder to control my mind. I am also told …not to be stupid or negative … when i voice my fears… feel so alone because my OH is dismissive of any negativity. Although he has been very supportive in lots of other ways. Sending you a big (((((hug))))) and remember you have many on this site who understand what you are going through. Love from bobbie

I feel for you - the worry of your children and the fears of bc seem to be overtaking your mind. It’s really easy to do, sukes, one thought rolls into another and so it snowballs. Especially at night. At night the house is quiet, everyone is sleeping, no distractions, no tv, no radio, nothing but silence and the tapes running through your mind. Memories and decisions you wish you hadn’t made and fears.

As others have said, this is a hard hard road. But know that you have friends here, that you can voice any fear here and that if you need it, there are organizations ready to help listen to you.

When those voices start again, and the fear builds about your children, get a pad and write down what you want. Write down how you want your kids taken care of if you are not here to do it. Write a plan for each child. Write letters to them to let them know how you feel. And then write down what you would like to do with them today. No matter you budget, you can afford to spend time with each one. Little by little you will be living out what you want and perhaps the voices will be stilled.

No matter what you choose to do, we are here for you.


Hi Sukes

well sweetheart I hope you are feeling better today. I am sitting in floods reading your post as it just echos all that I worry about too with my children who are 18mnths and 6yrs. I am 43 so a late starter but my hubby is 10yrs younger than me and I sit crying thinking about my children never " knowing me" and my husband finding a younger model.

We all have had those thoughts/feeling and having chemo has got you at your lowest. I know inside I don’t even feel like Paula…not the Paula I knew before this BC. I know she will come back sometime. I seem to spend my days being scared…but then I think No-one knows what the future holds with BC and without BC. I need to use this time enjoying my life and not worrying about the future as no-one’s is guaranteed. I am not being negative about that so pls don’t take it the wrong way.

I refuse to write things to my children as I intend to be here. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and they won’t know want I want to tell them, anything COULD happen to me but for now I am here walking, loving and being their Mum. Enjoy Sukes, but if you need to write it down do so. You are going to have better days hun. This is a low period and you are being pushed to the limits. You are loved, lovable and loving and most of all NORMAL…!!

Stay strong sweetheart cos you know inside you are…

Sending you love and hugs and a one boob hug…!!! xxxxxxxxx

Heya Sukes.

I don’t think it’s selfish to be facing those thoughts. About a month after I was diagnosed I became really preoccupied by similar thoughts and after about 2 weeks managed to have a heart to heart with OH about what would happen without me. We sobbed like babies but felt better afterwards. I don’t think you can deal with something like BC without drakness overwhelming you at some point.

I noticed that some members of my family couldn’t accept that I was thinking like that either. I think dismissing those thoughts is something some people do to help them protect themselves from those thoughts.

As for fatalities in younger ladies, An older friend who was dx’s with BC nearly 10 years ago pointed out that older ladies have a slower metabolism so if you’re DX with BC at a very old age then it’s much more likely that you’ll die of something else than it is if your dx’d as a younger lady. Basically these numbers are often misleading unless you look at the whole statistical picture.

I’ve also noticed far too many poster from cancer charities talking about how many people will die from cancer this year etc. I wonder if they give much though to how it affects the subconscious thoughts of those of us trying to live with it sometimes. It’s amazing what little things can fuel those dark thoughts.

Tip: Do not watch I am legend like I did last night. Far too grim.

Oh I should ask that the dark thoughts occur less often now.

I really think not spending too much time on here has helped me not to dwell too much.

Hope you see some lovely light soon.

Lots and lots of love (and hugs on demand)


Hello sukes
Just think you’ve survived 5 chemos already. That’s the good news - the bad news is that the cumulative effect of the chemo has thrown you into this dark hole. But this feeling of despair is only temporary. Think about this - you’ve only got one more chemo to go and after that you will gradually gain back your strength and composure as your blood and other body cells get back to normal.

You DO need to believe that the chemo has mopped up any micro cells that might have slipped away. What I have found after only 2 cycles of FEC is how very small skin blemishes [on my arm, head and face] have been zapped and disappeared. I like to think that any miscreant cells have disappeared in exactly the same way. I can understand your distress about the children - that is all part of the shock and grief that comes with any diagnosis of cancer. But believe me you WILL climb out of this black hole and learn to cope with any problems one step at a time.

Being a retired nurse teacher I know how difficult it is for those around you to talk over your fears with you. In the old days there was a ‘conspiracy of silence’ so it was difficult for patients to confront their fears. Thank goodness we now live in an age of enlightenment so we can all have as much information about our condition as we want. However loving relatives can sometimes find it difficult to deal with realities. But there are other people and professionals [many to be found via this website!] who can give you emotional support and help you to work through your fears.

It’s so easy for us to tell you to be positive - but that is what you need to do just at this moment. Don’t look too far into the distance for events that may never happen. Treasure your little ones, enjoy their laughter and tears and they more than anyone else will get you through. Please look after yourself and plan some treats so that you have good things to look forward to.

Love and good wishes xxxxx


You are so right about the blemishes disappearing with the chemo. I have noticed that since treatment I have fewer spots, the dark circles under my eyes that I didn’t realise were so bad till I looked back at some photos taken in the months before dx have lessened and bruises [to which I have always been prone] disappear much quicker. I believe this tells me that my body is now healing these little things cos the cancer that I didn’t know was lurking has now gone and hopefully will stay away. This is the big question that I try not to dwell on.

I hope you are feeling abit better today, have been thinking about you and hoping the dark clouds will soon start to break and you will see that the sun is shining just for you.


Hi Sukes
Just reading everyones responses to you and like the others I have also been there (still am on and off) Its very easy for someone (oncolgist in my case) to say you have to be at ease with your disease … tell me how ! I also have little ones of 7 and 2.5 and just to see their beautiful innocent faces it breaks my heart sometimes when I think of a life without a mum , but then I get angry with myself for thinking that way . I just repeat to myself I’m going to be fine and I’m not going to leave them. Its not easy we all know.
My mum died when I was just 18 and her mum died when she was 12 (not bc as far as I know) so thoughts are there for me a lot too. I just think we are better educated , we eat better , medicine is better so the odds are all for us right now.

I am now on rads after having finished my chemo in feb and was ready to call it a day between chemos 5 and 6 but somehow you get through it and you will but I can totally relate to your feelings . You need someone to listen to your fears and reassure you rather than to say stop thinking that way. I ask my oncologist all the time about my prognosis , he must think I cant retain information ! He said to me he is there for reassurance along the way and I really hope you get that too.

When I first started chemo I did yoga and I do think it helped me focus on my body in a positive way . I calmed myself down through meditation (sadly dont do it any more as the teacher got pregnant) .
I didnt specifically do yoga for chemo but i know there are teachers out there who do do that. I dragged myself along to class when I was desperately tired and it helped .Just a suggestion

I wish you well
cally x

Hi Sukes
im 35 and have 3 amazing children, mine are a bit older 16, 15, and 11, so no matter what they will remember me, but i thought for several days about what i could do now incase i wasnt here in years to come, i can only tell you how i feel about it all! firstly i thought about if i should write letters for important occassions weddings etc, and then realised i wouldnt want to upset them in this way on these days, when i told a close friend who lost her mum at 15 she said it would be beautiful for them, but then i feel she has let her mums death hold her back in life, and have decided the letters are not the way to go for me personally.
I am lucky in the fact that i have been best friends with the same person since i was 4, so i have told her the things i would like her to do with my sons if im not here, ie the stories to tell them about what i got up to how i felt when my boys were born etc etc
the other thing i have done is “left” certain personnal things to each of them, i know exactly how it feels to not be able to talk about worse case scenorios, i went for about 6 months and then screamed at my mum and told her i needed to talk about if i died, she broke down then and told me she just didnt want to think of this cancer as life threatening!!
maybe you should write a letter to your husband, about how you are feeling and give it to him, men seem to blank out that anything bad could happen.
hope this has helped and sorry if it hasnt


I am 43 and was dx with triple negative bc in Dec '07 and have a three year old daughter. I had my 7th chemo cycle last Tuesday and now feel completely battered emotionally and physically. I had an ultrasound scan last Friday and was told that the tumour is growing again - despite chemo. I curl up and cry like a wounded animal at the thought of leaving my daughter and her having to grow up without my guidance, support, encouragement, but most of all my LOVE. I try to remember that there are many ladies who despite being given a poor prognosis defy the medical profession and have managed to live many, many years without a recurrence - please keep this in mind - it is something that helps me get through the darkest of moments. Just as an example, my aunt was dx at age 45 (five years ago) and was told her that her cancer was so aggressive, they were unable to grade it, she had 7 lumph nodes involved. She is now in remission and is doing really well and enjoying life to the full. It is ladies like this who give me hope that I can still look forward to the future as well and until someone tells me otherwise, I intend to enjoy every single day. My daughter is so young and time certainly flies by, so I want her to have the best childhood that I can give her and that isn’t watching her mum sitting there every day thinking that I am going to die - her childhood deserves to have her mum enjoying life to the full and giving her lots and lots of happy memories. I know it is a dark time for you at the moment Sukes, but it will get better - the black clouds will pass and the sun will come shining through. Jacqui xx