Feel a failure
Feel a failure I am nearly 2 years post diagnosis, ages compared to some of you. I had 2 ops, chem and radio and have not really picked up since. Have had bouts of fatigue and depression. I returned to work during radio and should not have really. I have felt under pressure at work as they want me to be a line mgr and I don’t want it, I never asked for it! I was yelled at by a staff member 2 weeks ago and had to have some sick leave as I still feel so vulnerable. My mgr. said I am near my limit of sick days before there is a question of my capability, but he has no problem with it (my ability).
It’s come to a head and I told my boss today I felt I had to leave. I am very depressed and indecisive about it. but I feel I have to, have no choice as they don’t really care (it’s a county council) and I don’ t have the energy to fight them.
I feel such a failure over all this and am letting my boss down (only stayed cos I like him!) and know I will sit at home and stagnate and don’t want that (again!) Clemy posted about not feeling enthusiastic about work.
your not a failure - just exhausted. hi SueBee
you are not a failure at all. some of us cope with our illness in various ways. i always say its the ‘swan sydrome’ … you know the saying ‘graceful on the surface paddling like hell underneath!’
and im not surprised your stressed out at work tho - councils are the same up here too! my m8 works in the one here and she says so
maybe you did go back to work early. can you ask for compassionate leave? do they do that in councils? if not, maybe you should leave. you need time to reflect - not dwell - on what you have been through.
my chemo is over simply by circumstance and i still feel tired
i have read various threads on this site about fatigue after all the ‘treatment’ is over and for some it seems to take longer than others.
maybe you need to do something you have always wanted to do and never quite got around to it. i dunno, climb a mountain (no, think youve done that already) go away for a weekend somewhere or stay in a pamper hotel and have proper treatments with stuff that IS therapy.
Don’t beat yourself up Sue – your illness and various ‘treatments’ have done that for you.
Take care hun loadsa luv to u n yours
adele xxxxx
Not a failure… …I’m 2 yrs post dx., i returned to my job [nursery nurse] 2mths after finishing rads…i decided to go back part-time and to not return to my old post as deputy manager…i did a few months later take the post back on…but due to not seeing eye to eye with new manager [long story] i decided to step down again.
Things at work and outside of work were really getting to me in july…i went to my GP and was signed off for 2 weeks…in that time i started to look at things differently…i decided i would reduce my working days to 2 1/2…i did say to my accupuncturist that by doing that was i giving in to the cancer…she said no that sometimes when we’ve had a period to reflect we look at things from a different perspctive ie.,
some of us feel we need to work full on to prove we can do it and that cancer isn’t going to stop us continuing to do this, some of us want to work as we like the normality of it back in our lives, obviously as well financially sometimes/often its not an option…then some of us want to have time to do other things…things that might not of seemed important pre BC…and when we’ve had time away to reflect we realise that we’ve proved to ourselves that we can work with/after BC
but we also need to have quality time too.
Take the time out…stress of work just isn’t worth it…its your health and your life.
Do as supermum suggests go away for a break, have a pamper.
and remember you have to do what you feel is right about work… and i think you’ve made the right decision [if to leave is your decision].
takecare
karen x
Thanks for your kind words Adele. I don’t like to think I am dwelling on the BC but i am honestly not the same person as before it. I think I have to leave that job to save my sanity but indecision is another symptom of this rotten depression and I feel disloyal too. Not that they’d care two hoots about being loyal to me! Thanks again. I just have to feel like this until I don’t feel like this any more.
Sue
Hello Sue, Cancer has a major effect on the way in which life is viewed. We go through terrific emotional and psychological stresses, both from the disease and from the treatments.You have moved on from who you were before diagnosis and now is a time to go in a new direction. It is not a failure, but a change - and a new challenge. As the others have said, take a little time for yourself, look around, have some fun, and then take on something you would really like to do. I was perhaps fortunate in that diagnosis came at an age when I could feel justified in saying to my employers that the time had come to take retirement and therefore I did not have to struggle back into an arduous job. It was a tremendous release. But whatever, you are not a failure.
know the feeling Hi SueBee
Clemy here - know just how you feel I can’t offer much help other than to say ‘I do know how you feel’ I myself have wondered whether its time for a change - a fresh start - but I’m so well paid in my job and only do 24 hrs a week that i’d find it hard to find a job to match!!! - am I stuck here forever now with no enthusiasm - you say you are 2 years post treatment - does that mean I have another year or so to go still feeling like this - I didn’t ask to have the dreaded bc and now I’m left with this feeling - I was always really happy to go to work - I just don’t know what’s up wi me - well yes I do really - it really does make you value every minute you have and I want to be doing the things I want to do not earning money for my bosses!!! - I don’t think life will ever be the same again - Oh god I’m feeling sorry for myself again - must go and do some work to take my mind off it!!! - hang in there - we’re all in the same boat
Take Care
Luv Clemy X
I remember having a similar conversation with my boss at work, who had been so supportive during my first time round with chemo. I remember feeling quite angry and resentful towards work, thinking that I had to stay there for the pension benefits and had no choice like others I worked with who were still planning their careers. I felt boxed in! Not realising that this actually affected my performance at work.
This was actually a turning point for me! It made me sit up and start to think what I wanted from my life and was I going to let cancer ruin the time I do have here.
I have been off again from work after more chemo and are due to go back in January, but this is on my terms now…I no longer feel the need to pretend I am invincible and have found other more fulfilling challenges outside work - I teach dance. I have let go of those resentments which allows me to think much more clearly about the future.
You should take time to reflect on what has happened to you and give yourself permission and space to take your life forward. if you do decide to leave, maybe set yourself a goal - nothing major, something you enjoy.
I really wish you all the best - and look after yourself! you deserve it.
Vicky xxx
The other side of stressful jobs I got a new job 5 months before diagnosis…and expected it to take me through till retirement 6 years later (was 54). During treatment I worked part the time on chemo and also returned during rads. It was a demanding job and in many ways I did it well but I was uttelry disllusioned, grumpy and so so tired.
I decided to try to get early retirement and a combination of having been in relatively well paid teaching for 30+ years, and sympathetic managers (who I think wanted rid of me in the nicest possible way…who wants a tried person with cancer running a department…), and having a poor enough prognosis to get enhancement on my pension on ill health grounds…menat I went off sick after treatment had finsihed and have been retired for 15 months now.
3 years on from diagnosis and I work 1 or 2 days a week in a job I enjoy…no stress. I still get really really tired just from the effort of ordinary living (and depression comes with the tiredness at times) but I love my life. People ask me what I ‘do all day’ and sometimes I get defensive…how do you explain pleasures from time to read the paper, read a novel over lazy coffee, day time cinema and art galleries, and sometimes not ‘doing’ much at all. I sometimes envy my peers in demanding high profile jobs some of then, and feel a failure in my simple very ordinary little life…other times I see their stress and glow with the joy of doing just want I want.
I was lucky to be able to take the decsion not to work and also not suffer financially. I’ve been lucky too I think in surviving this long to enjoy the new life I’m still exploring. The deciding facor for me was that knowing if my days were numbered I wanted to at least taste something different. I went through a phase of rushing round the world on holiday but that just exhausted me too (and it bloody rained in New Zealand in December so that put me right off travel…another story.)
I’d say Sue don’t make a hasty decision about work but maybe take the rest of those sick leave days, and think about what you’d like to do. I was someone who got a hell of a lot out of work but I don’t miss it one bit.
best wishes
Jane
Look after yourself SueBee I am three years this month from diagnosis, after 3 operations, radiotherapy, no chemo and I am now on Arimidex.
I teach Primary 1 children and I love my job, however, recently I had to make a big decision.
Karen, you got very good advice… Taking time to reflect is something that takes a while for some people.to do. It wasn’t until this summer that my surgeon said to me, have you thought of leaving work.
I knew the job wasn’t getting any easier and I had to go and get an ECG for a hopefully, not serious heart condition, but it made me go back to work this September in a very diffferent mood.
I talked to my union, my doctor and my principal and I have ended up taking six months off. I cried buckets when I thought of what I was having to do, but I didn’t feel a failure. I felt I had done my best at my job, but it was now time to concentrate on my health and myself.
Everybody has been so supportive and I still have that awful feeling of leaving all those young children. However, I have found out that they have a lovely young teacher whom I know well and she is able to do all my leave.
When I first started this journey, I didn’t realize how it affects you physically, mentally and emotionally in so many ways.
I also realize now that some of us need time to let it all sink in.
This can be weeks, months or even years.
SueBee take as much advice as you can from those around you and be gentle on yourself.
Love to all
Pollyanna
My job is a nightmare! When I got cancer they changed the employment contract and back dated it to before I was diagnosed so now I don’t get sick pay. When i finished treatment they changed the contract again so that any appointments hospital/doctor I now don’t get paid for.
I finished treatment in April and since then all I had is your not doing your job propoerly, you haven’t met your targets. The past year has been shocking. The past year I’ve had cancer! and worked right through treatment only taking a couple of days off for each chemo.
I’m stressed at the minute because I’m waiting for the results of my mammogram to see if i’m in remission! and i’m getting yelled at because I’m not doing my job, so I’m told. Today my boss said that I don’t want to lose you but the company is running without any of your imput!
I feel nackered, stressed and really don’t need this! Cancer does change your life but everyone around you expects you to be the same. You said you left your job and feel like a failure, you certainly are not that took bloody strength and guts!
Your life is now on a new direction. Enjoy it! and remember you are not alone in this.
Karen
Oh, Karen, that’s horrible I’m no lawyer, but it sounds like your employer has done several things that are illegal. You might want to talk to the Citizen’s Advice Bureau. Cancer is covered under the 2005 Disability Discrimination Act from the time of diagnosis and one of the cancer charity websites (Cancerbaccup perhaps? Macmillan?) makes it clear that this legislation covers the situation where an employee has been unable to meet targets because of their cancer. I would seek advice.
You are not a failure Hi SueBee
No, you are defintely not a failure. I think it takes all of us a long time to get over not just the medical treatments and side effects, but the emotional trauma. I think when you are in the middle of treatment, you just concentrate on getting over the next day etc. and it is often only when planned treatment is finished, that you suddently have time to refflect on this horrible disease and what it means to you.
I’ve been told that it can easily take up to 2 years to just get over the effects of the treatment and if you have had mastectomy, you also have to get used to new body image etc., all issues that can take a long time to come to terms with.
I am taking Arimidex now, after local recurrence , mastectomy and chemo and this drug will make you feel more tired. I was on the point of starting a new job when dx for the 2nd time, and obviously could not take on a new job. I have now decided not to look for another job, despite the fact that my salary would be very welcomed in the household. But I do have such bad days, that I honestly don’t feel I could do justice to an employer, and I am a bit of a perfectionsist, always wanting to give 100%. I am now looking for voluntary work, just to get me out and about a bit.
Sadly, I feel that BC does change your life for forever, more for some than others obviously, and it is just a quetion of accepting that you have a disability and making the best with what you’ve got. And if you have the funds, have some pampering treatment, I found healing and indian head massage especially helpful.
Hope this helps in some way.
Hugs
Birgit
Thanks Birgit and everyone else who gave encouraging words and advice. Funny isn’t it how good we are at handing out advice but not taking it ourself?!
I had another blow yesterday. Was due to drive to see a friend next week (distance of 80 miles each way) and had to email to say I didn’t feel I was up to it. She seems furious and said I had to get a life, that she had tried hard to understand how I felt and thought I could at least make an effort after not seeing her for so long, and is ‘seriously pissed off’. I feel totally crushed and hurt. I’ve known her since we were 11. I am too hurt to reply in fact and have not even told my husband. She is just reinforcing how worthless I feel, I feel numb and stunned with, well, shock really. Anyone else had harsh words they felt were unjustified?
Sue
FRIEND??? Hi sue,
Im sorry sue i don’t call that much of a friend…but in her defence she doesn’t understand what you are going through/have been through…
friends/family etc., think they do but unless your unfortunate enough to be in our position i do not think you can REALLY understand the whole concept of this disease.
I think maybe your friend could of been more compassionate/understanding…she is the one who should feeling worthless as a friend not you.
YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS SUE…
…but this disease certainly lets you find out who your true friends are…and sometimes its not the obvious ones.
160 mile round trip is huge amount of travelling in one day by any standards…perhaps she could offer to travel to see you instead!!!
take care
karen x
Thanks Karen for reassuring me, when you feel this low you feel everything is your fault and I wondered if maybe I was selfish and needed to get a life (I hate that expression - it means nothing) but to tell the truth my friend has become a litle hard since leaving her partner last year. I am not going to do anything, it’s up to her to approach me and see if she apologises! I don’t really want to see her now.
Thanks again
Sue
I’m no lawyer either but echo ChristineMH, I think there is something seriously wrong here. I, too, have recently found out that people undergoing cancer treatment are covered under the Disability Rights legislation as they are classified as disabled workers (whether we like it or not). There is a lot of helpful information on the following link to the Disability Rights Commission, in particular one of the recent press releases covers breast cancer. Read through and select what applies to you.
Stand firm and make sure you get your rights as it is only to easy to kick us when we are down.
Lou
wot a cow sorry sue
your not worthless - we all love you !!!
but, that female aint no friend - how would she feel if she were in the same boat and you treated her the same way. i suggest you leave well alone for a while; maybe she will get in touch with you, but you must not beat yourself up with this.
s’funny really, i had someone be really offensive to me, someone i thought was a friend, she came to visit me i hozzy after my first op, gary told her not to go cos i was very ill at the time, but she came, and sat there long enough for her to get the fix of seein me at my worst! i thought she was a friend but soon realised that was the only reason she came to visit me -
i am stronger as a person now - not because of that, but because i felt that nothing could ever scare me nor worry me (despite this BC thing biting me agian in this april) and found the strenght to continue being me, chirpy, witty, and very chatty - on the outside - so folk can see how strong and brave i am and that i am a nice person (just dont upset me heh heh)
i understand how hard it must be for you considering you have known this person since you were 11, but maybe you need to reflect on your friendship over the years, has it really been that close? if not, dont worry -
to coin a phrase, ’ its like pressing the delete button on your pc, you sort out your files, stuff your dont need or use anymore, you place in the trash can’ …
thinkin of you loads
loadsa luv adele xxxxxxxxxxxx
and some (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you too xxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi everyone Dear all,
Very interesting discussion, lots of good advice.
It seems to me that if any of us experience hassle at work we should make sure that we know what our legal rights are. Head for the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, folks.
I’m self employed and so avoid many of these hassles. After my mastectomy and reconstruction I asked universities to print out paperwork for me so that I didn’t have to carry it over many miles, in some cases hundreds of miles, to their campuses. Only one university queried this and when the people realised that if they didn’t do the printing I wouldn’t come and do the work they soon changed their minds.
Kindness is an underrated virtue and often people don’t realise that a little bit of it goes a long way. On my first day back at work the person who had commissioned me to do the work looked at me and said very sternly “You are going to take it easy”. I immediately relaxed and felt much better.
I think that what we have all gone through is life changing. It takes quite a while to recover from being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, operated on, poisoned, irradiated and menopaused.
What we mustn’t lose sight of is that for more and more of us this cancer stuff will become a thing further and further in the past and eventually it will become compartmentalised and not part of every waking hour. There will be people we will meet who will never know about the breast cancer. We will make new friends, have new jobs and new hobbies.
In the meantime it is not always easy for people to understand how we feel. Sue, I don’t know your friend but I can make a few guesses about her. It may be she values your company and is terribly disappointed at not seeing you. It may be that she has organised something for your visit and feels the time spent has now been wasted. It may be that she has given up something else she wanted to do and feels resentful. It may be that she realises that you are down and wants somehow to ‘shake you out of it’. It may be that she is looking for support (separation/divorce is after all much like an amputation and can leave deep wounds) and she is upset because you are unable to give it. It may be that she hasn’t had the opportunity to see you face to face for a while and if she saw you she would feel very differently indeed.
Don’t give up on your friendship without finding out what the problem is. You could try asking her whether it is any of these things.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes,
Sue
Reasonable adjustments Hello there
i can’t add much to what others have already said, but just to say how sorry to hear what a tough time you are having with employer. You might think that a County Council would be trying to set a good example.
Several people have mentioned the Disability Discrimination Act - which has covered people with cancer since December 2005. Under this legislation is it is unlawful for an employer to discriminate against a disabled person. Discrimination includes the failure to make what are known as ‘reasonable adjustments’ to help you to do your job. There is no absolute list of reasonable adjustments - because employers are supposed to consider each person as an individual.
I have just returned to work and I have to say that my employer (a college) has been very law-abiding with respect to the DDA. For example I have been allowed to work half-time virtually until I want to go back to full-time work with no risk to my full-time post. Obviously I only get half pay but I consider that the temporary drop in salary is worth the gradual return to work. I am also allowed to work my 18 hours in a pattern to suit myself (I don’t go in unti 9:30am). I have been given a disabled car permit so that I can park near to the building I work in and therefore don’t have far to carry my work things. I have been given a fancy chair with armrests to lessen the risk of developing lymphoedema. I have been seen by our Occupational health nurse and doctor. I have had two meetings with our head of HR and line-manager and union rep to discuss how best to support me. I have had a risk assessment by our Health and Safety Officer, and I am currently waiting for an assessment by Access to Work. All this because I have returned to work following the standard bc treatments. And I promise you that I do not work for some sort of fairy tale wonderful employer - they are doing all this because they know they ought to.
You have been advised to contact the CAB - good advice, but there should be sources of help to you within your employing organisation - Human Resources, Occupational Health, a union if you belong, and I should think that within a County Council there will be someone (or a committee) with some sort of responsibility for ensuring that the CC is complying with anti-discriminatory legislation.
I would also add that I do not go around, under usual circumstances, describing myself as a disabled person, but if it helps me to get the support I need to do my job without completely knackering myself, then so be it.
I wish you all the best.
Kate