Feel like a fraud!

[noots]

I had lumpectomy and axilla nodes clearance in January; 6 lots of chemo that ended early July; 15 lots of radiotherapy, that ended mid September. I am very fortunate to be cancer free now.
I am supposed to be taking Letrozole for 10 years, but have yet to start it because I cannot face the potential side effects yet - I don’t have the mental or emotional strength.
The added issues is this - My partner died at the beginning of March; he suffered a brain injury 15 years ago, was in care, but was my daily life and fight and focus. This left me depleted, of course, of resilience and so on.

I work part time, in retail - I love the job. I’ve been off work since the start of the year.

So my thing is this - I feel like a fraud that I am not back at work already. My treatment is finished, after all. It’s been 10 months since I lost my OH. I know that some people work through their treatment, but I’ve just been doing next to nothing. My manager is great, but I’m sure she must be thinking that I ought to be back at work, too - if not now, at least when my fit note runs out (about 4 weeks’, I think). And of course, I might feel ready by then, I don’t know.
I don’t feel like I’m ready now - physically or mentally. It doesn’t help that I left my old store just before I was diagnosed, and haven’t actually started at the new one yet! Also, I have a choice whether I continue with going to the new store (the move was to accommodate moving my OH to a new place); or go back to my old store. There are pros and cons to both, I vacillate equally between the two!

I know nobody can tell me what to do. I guess I’m wondering this - how long after ending treatment is it ok to stay off work for? How have others dealt with it? Does it sound like I’m swinging the lead? What have your experiences been?
I’d just welcome any thoughts or ideas, really. Thank you!

[sunshineandunicorns]

Hi @noots - sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I don’t have any advice as such as I am towards the beginning of chemo treatment (just approaching my 3rd cycle of 8!). However; when I am feeling well I feel a bit of a fraud not working and feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time. So I think this is natural to feel this way and from what you have posted it doesn’t sound to me like anyone other than you will be thinking “why’s she not back at work yet” you’ve been through a lot. Be kind to yourself xx

[Tigress]

You may feel like a fraud @noots but you are not. In fact, I’d say you are expressing completely authentic emotions, certainly understandable to those of us who have gone through similar experiences. There are a number of us on here, of which I am one, whose breast cancer coincided with the death of a loved one. I have never once cried over my diagnosis but I get very upset, almost on a daily basis, about the loss of two important people taken cruelly by incurable, degenerative diseases around the same time. It takes a damned long time to come to terms with it all, and, of course, that’s all you can do as you never get over it. As you know, only you can determine when and where you return to work, if not driven by economic necessity, but as you make your way to that decision, don’t let stray thoughts of guilt or negativity cloud your thinking. Good luck with the Letrozole, if you decide to take it - it might not be as bad as you fear.

[noots]

Thank you, and good luck - enjoy the “ok” times between treatments, but don’t overdo it. Also, ask for Zeroveen, fabulous moisturiser that kept my skin great x

[noots]

Thank you. I think I remember you commenting on another post of mine a while ago. You’ve been through hell, too.
IDK. I’m just fed up with it all, I think. Gonna go live in a cave somewhere….

[teddy271]

Your post moved me. You certainly don’t have to ask for permission to feel CROCK. You have had a basketful of troubles.

First of all, the letrozole. I did not tolerate this drug and gave it up BUT that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it. I can think of just as many people who cope with minimal side effects. The key thing is to try it and see. You have options.

Now the important thing. I’m going to say it straight out. Get Back to Work. So much in your life has changed but events, however difficult, must not define you. Work, if you let it, can be your lifeline and I like the idea of your starting in a new place. If you don’t go back, I can almost guarantee you will regret it and you still have a lot of life to live. Start now. Use this opportunity. If it doesn’t work, pack it in or try something else but above all, do not let yourself slip into a torpor of indecision.

Go forward. Wishing you well.

[noots]

@teddy271 Thank you.
I intend to go back to work, for sure. Maybe the fresh start, maybe not.
But you’re right about the indecision… better to do something than do nothing, right?!
It is hard, as life feels pointless, but I’m here (while others are not), so yes. Action is required.
X

[teddy271]

You are going to do just fine. You clearly have the right attitude. I had a basinful four years ago with an aggressive cancer at Stage 3. Surgery, chemo and radiotherapy were tough but doable and I am fighting fit and living a very full life. Oh, and I’m 73. Its all about putting one foot infront of the other until you find your feet move on their own and your life is full of joy.

Teddy

[Gelbel]

@noots my heart goes out to you. My husband died at the end of April after being in hospitals and nursing homes for the previous 10 months. Please take it from me you are not a fraud.

My treatment ended in June '21, although I have six monthly Zometa infusions, the last one is next month, and I am on Anastrazole. I worked throughout chemo and rads as I was able to (most of the time on slightly reduced hours). This is because I worked from home for donkey’s years beforehand and it was my way of coping. If I had to commute into an office I would not have worked.

I then retired a year later as I came into a little bit of money, worked out I could afford to retire and, oh the flipping irony, life’s too short.

There is no right time for you to go back to work unless you have the most awful employers. Breast cancer treatment, and getting your head around your whole diagnosis and treatment and future, is bad enough without adding the most mind-numbing grief that’s losing your husband adds to the pot.

I guess I cannot give you a guideline. Only you can do what is right for you. A few thoughts; can you get signed off for a little bit longer if you don’t want to go back yet? Perhaps be signed off for your mental health? And perhaps your question in your return to work so that you’re not ready and your head is not in the right place.

As your manager is great, why not have a conversation with them? And you could, perhaps, set up a return-to-work plan by doing a couple of hours a couple of days a week. After a couple of weeks you could review that and see what the next few weeks’ plan could be.

As for the drugs, why don’t you decide on a starting date, and try them for a while? You can always stop or change them if they affect you

I hope you work out what’s right for you to take the worry of returning to work? or not at this moment, away from you.

Heartfelt hugs at this so very difficult time.

AnGELa x

[naughty_boob]

Hi @noots

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband, I’m sure with your diagnosis and treatment you have had little time to grieve. You are definitely not a fraud for not returning to work. I was diagnosed May 2023 and was signed off for the whole treatment plan that lasted 16 months and then I took redundancy. My mother died at the end of 2021 followed by my brother 2022 and I was left in sole charge dealing with her estate and had to do exchange and completion during chemo, which was very stressful. Although they died before my diagnosis I was still dealing with everything during my treatment, it made it hard to grieve and my treatment was just one step at a time. I understand it’s not the same as losing a husband.

I have spoken to the breast care nurse several times and she said many ladies reevaluate their lives after their cancer diagnosis. I’m sure your doctors are happy to still sign you off work, maybe now is the time to have counselling MacMillan offer free counselling via Bupa. Maggie’s also offer it.

Have you considered or already done the BCN * Moving Forward: Finishing treatment can be hard, and it can be difficult to move forward with your life. You can access our support online or face-to-face. Our online information hub and Moving Forward journal provide extra ideas and information. Courses run over 2 weeks, with 2 3.5hr sessions. Or trained facilitators and volunteers are there to help. Find a course near you.

Personally I think you might just need time to deal with your diagnosis and your loss, there is no right or wrong time to go back to work. You will do it when it feels right.

Thinking of you

[ggx]

Try letrozole. I had brand accord which most of side effects settled after 4/5 months but had dreadful joint pains and I’m a big gym goer. Switched to Femara and it was instantly better. Differing side effects for a while but after 4 months fab.
I made the mistake of taking a sleeve of the Accord letrozole last week and within 3 days I had horrible side effects again.
You may have to battle to get brand out in prescription but it’s deffo worth the trial and fight.
I’m medical so did a lot of research into this btw x

[louies-mum]

I’m pretty similar to you time wise, and I’ve had Letrozole for 2 months. I’ve had to stop it due to side effects but many people tolerate it very well. I would say try it but don’t feel obliged to continue with it if it doesn’t suit you.

I also feel a fraud about not being back to work yet. I’m physically and mentally wrecked but I look well and my hair is coming back so I feel like outsiders are wondering why I’m still off work. And I do want to go back but I know I won’t manage yet. I’m going to extend my sick note a little bit longer and keep re-evaluating. For now at least. Financially can’t do it for much longer. Hope you work out what’s best for you xx

[Jill1998]

Welcome to the forum @louies-mum . Please don’t feel like a fraud ,your mind and body have been through a lot and it takes time to recover .I found that once I was back at work people soon forgot what I’d been through and just expected me to carry on like nothing had happened so take as long as you can before going back and negotiate a phased return if at all possible . Best wishes Jill

[bellas]

Hi, I’m on Letrazole as well, for nearly a year and will be for another 4 probably. I tried 3 different brands before I found one that doesn’t seem to give me any side effects.

My doctor and Nurse specialist suggested I try different ones, as I’ve had strong meds (for something else!) in the past, and suffered quite badly. They were very understanding.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but the Brain Charity is very good in my experience. It’s for anything to do with brain injuries, patients and families. They also have a counselling service. Best wishes X.

[chez74]

You are not a fraud. You sre amazing dealing with all that at once.
Im on cipla letrozole not really having side effects now, i went on it in feb and was fine until i had few other brands, amarox, sun, accord thry were awful esp amarox
Cipla is great
Good luck x

[noots]

@Gelbel I’m so sorry you lost your husband.

Thank you for what you say.
I’ve just had my bisphosphonates letter (again) - there was some sort of mix up and I’ve not had any yet, so that’s the next thing.

I will try the hormones, in due course, and see how I get on.

One day at a time, hey. Xxx

[noots]

@chez74 thank you, I’ve heard that the brand makes a difference so I’m going to be watching that x

[noots]

Thank you, @bellas I hope you’re getting on ok.

Xxx

[noots]

Thank you, @louies-mum
Yes, I’ve thought about this - I look like I’m much better, and I can turn up somewhere and seem like my old self…. But not for long. And like most people, it would be worse to go back and then have to be off again, than to stay off longer.

You take care xxx