Feel lucky?
Feel lucky? Hi everyone
—I went to visit my daughter last night who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 18 months ago and had to go through chemo and rads. After a couple of glasses of wine we starting talking about how fed up we are with people telling us we’re lucky. My daughter is lucky because apparently her cancer was a good one to have if you must have one, she now has the knock on effect of Thyroid problems.
Mine, well I only had to have a mastectomy, no chemo or rads how lucky can you get, and I don’t what to make you too envious, but I have had breast cancer twice now I really can’t believe my luck.
Maybe I’m just feeling a little sensitive and I know sometimes people feel awkward and don’t know what to say and mean well.
But it is definitely not lucky.
Jan
hi —Know what you mean! I was told I was lucky to have dcis and only a mastectomy. I myself, would rather not have had anything. Don’t get me wrong I know it could have been a lot worse and I know I got off very lightly (thankgoodness). Although I am waiting for test results at the moment so I just hope my “luck” doesn’t run out!!!
Before I started with bc I also had a severe thyroid problem so I feel for your daughter. It is such a difficult condition to go through. I don’t think there is a part of your body which it doesn’t affect!!
Anyway all the best to both of you
suex
— It’s all relative though isn’t it ? I feel lucky to have come through chemotherapy without too much trouble, especially given some of the stories you hear. I feel lucky to have had a great plastic surgeon do my mastectomy/recon as the scar is minimal (2 weeks post-op).
BUT, do I feel lucky to have the disease in the first place ? Or course not !
I get fed up… being told that I’m lucky “I caught it early”. What ever does that mean exactly? It was already in the first two lymph glands so I don’t think it was caught particularly early.
I’m supposedly also lucky that my hair has come back curly (I’d rather not have lost it in the first place) and because I’ve always been on the slim side, I’m lucky because I’ve put some weight on due to Tamoxifen (which I’d rather not have to take).
I think it is true to say that most people don’t know how to react and so they come out with comments which can often seem insensitive - such as the “you do look well” comments!
Having breast cancer is definitely NOT lucky!!
Jo x
Being lucky I think its the difference between other people telling us we are lucky and our own feelings about being lucky.
I do now often feel I have been very lucky…and privileged that I have got to 2 years 4 months since diagnosis and so far fingers crossed no evidence of disease despite a poor prognosis. I know women diagnosed after me who are very ill with secondaries now. I know too many women who have died since I was diagnosed.
Its all relative and yes I hate it when people who don’t know the daily fear of living with cancer ignore what the reality is like…but actually tonight I do feel lucky and hope as ever for more disease free time.
Jane
Who am I kidding? I have been told (and keep telling myself) that I am lucky. Lucky because it was picked up very early, lucky because I didn’t need a mastectomy or chemo, and lucky because I had a really good reconstruction and reduction on what were extremely pendulous boobs.
However, my world has been turned upside down. Radiotherapy is currently ongoing (with all the inconvenience that causes) and I will have to take an alien substance (tamoxifen) for the next five years, with all its attendant risks.
As to my mind… Well, I had a demanding and well-paid job - one which requires confidence. Do I still have that confidence? I really don’t know.
When we have this shitty disease, our lives change forever, irrespective of prognosis. You just have to see how it affects people by the number of posts appearing on this site. I have learned so much from you ladies, and I thank you for all your wisdom, kindness and support…
But I do wonder whether this feeling of vulnerability will ever go away?
Mcgle
—Of course —I agree with what you say janey, I also appreciate the fact that I haven’t had to have chemo or go through a lot of what others have had to on this forum or are still going through. If I had to have cancer then yes I have been lucky and its all right for me to say that and others in similar positions.
After I had posted I did think that others going through treatment would feel that I am lucky and that’s all right so I hope I did’nt upset anyone.
This thing really effects your confidence and sometimes when I make comments on this forum I wish I could take them back. For all you ladies going through hell at the moment its OK for you to tell me I’m lucky even if I don’t think I am.
Good luck everyone.
Jan
Just the way I feel too I can’t begin to express how much I agree with the sentiments in this thread.
Like so many of you I curse the day I ever found my lump and the fact that my life has changed forever.
Like so many of you I feel truly lucky that I have got away with a major illness in such a light and limited way.
Like so many of you I find the comments of others hard to take. Some are banal, some completely thoughtless and the worst are those deliberately positive ones that grate on your nerves.
I’m pleased someone had the guts to start this thread. It’s just the place for me to vent some of my anger at those idiots and well wishers who haven’t got a clue what they are really saying and who make coping that much harder.
I had just met a new man when I started the process of biopsy diagnosis and treatment. He doesn’t live locally and hasn’t been able to be a physical presence for me but he’s often on the phone and does his level best to be reassuring etc. The trouble is that he simply cannot understand my concerns about reconstruction and body image - which he trivialises because the big issue for him the the C word. I don’t want to belittle cancer - it’s a nasty dirty illness. But I recognise that breast cancer has a real good chance of being cured. I really resent being made to feel foolish and vain for being concerned about how I look post operatively. My man thinks I should be jumping for joy now I know I don’t need chemo (and I am delighted) but he also thinks I should stop worrying about how I look. The gospel according the “him” is that once you reach 50 you’re old and on the way down hill. I DON’T AGREE. I’m planning all sorts of things tor the second half of my life and I’m just a wee bit frustrated that this BC thing has got in the way and slowed me down for a while.
I suppose I should spend my days simply being grateful to be alive - but frankly I want to get on with actually having a life - if you know what I mean.
Anyway - rant over and thanks for letting me get that off my chest (lol).
Keep smiling
xxx
Feeling lucky? not really Having just read this thread i would also like to give vent to my feelings. Because I had DCIS, and it hadn’t spready to lymph nodes I have had such comments as ‘Well you didn’t really have breast cancer’!!! another favorite ‘you must be positive’!!!’ and when my doctor told me I was lucky, I told him if I was that lucky I wouldn’t be sitting here now!!!
Yes I’m thankful and grateful to have been treated, and for all the support from family/friends and this website.
But lucky - I don’t think so.
I feel better now.
Frenchy
I Agree I would like to say that I agree with everything said in this thread.
It’s refreshing to communicate with like minds on this one. I actually feel really unlucky to have been hit with BC, sometimes I still can’t believe I have it.
On the other hand, I realise that I would not live long if I had not been diagnosed and treated.
Sometimes I think it’s worse when people are over sympathetic and act as if you are dying. I can’t stand the simpering well wishing people who are almost too scared to talk to you, and don’t know if it’s a good time to call…
I too, like Morgaine, can’t wait to getting back to having a life.
AmberJ
— I think the underlying factor in all this is what ones attitude about having cancer is: whether one see’s their glass as “half full” or “half empty”. For our own good, it is important that we see the “lucky” aspects, as if we dwell on the “unlucky” ones, we will drive ourselves mad, and probably find it more difficult to move on, and this is what we all want to do more than anything. Some people may consider me getting breast cancer as “unlucky”, as I am only 23, but I focus more on the ways that I’m lucky, in that my prognosis couldnt be that much better, and with chemo i should never be bothered with this disease again. I truly believe that listening to peoples positive feedback has helped me sustain this attitude, and made my experience of having breast cancer alot easier than if I were to focus on the negative sides. I do get what a lot of you have said, in that it can be in some cases thoughtless, especially if it is the opposite of how you are feeling, but if possible, we should all try to scrape together the positive bits (as hard as it may be!) and focus on them, as it will help us all deal with this horrible disease.
I hope this doesn’t appear like I am slating any of you who get disgruntled at being referred to as “lucky” because im not; I understand that everyone is different. I guess the point im trying to make is that having a positive attitude is so important, and a big part of being positive is seeing things from a “lucky” point of view.
natnat x
Positives I think - if you read the postings carefully - you’ll spot a common theme. That is a bunch of people who want to move on. No-one who wrote about not feeling lucky was actually being negative. I don’t even think anyone was being self pitying. It’s simply an acceptance of fact - yes we have escaped lightly in comparison to many other BC sufferers - now we want to get on with recovery and recuperation.
— I think sometimes when reading posts it can be difficult to get exactly what the writer is trying to say, as it can be from a different perspective to ones own, and like wise it can be difficult to express exactly what we are trying to say ourselves! I can see now from reading my own why it may have been interpreted differently to what I intended it to.
I didn’t mean to imply that people didnt want to move on as that certainly isn’t what i thought, nor did i mean to imply that some of the posts were written by people who were being negative. It is only natural to think of ourselves as “unlucky”, because relative to a lot of other people who have never had a serious ilness we are (and yes, these people who are “luckier” than us are the ones who are telling us WE’RE lucky, and so I can see where the frustration is coming from!!!). I intended to express the view that it is simply more positive to look at the “lucky” aspects, which I have found helpful when it comes to moving on. I have had days where I thought of myself as “unlucky”, and consequently went on a bit of a downer, and started thinking more about my situation. So, having realised that it is in my own best interest to look at the “lucky” bits and be more positive, I have consciously blocked out the “unlucky’s”, because it makes life that bit easier!! This is why I welcome the “you’re lucky” comments from others, as it reinforces the thoughts i am trying to keep in my mind! p.s I know that by thinking your unlucky doesnt mean you’re on a downer, its just from my own personal experience that is what its done to me!
I’m sorry if my post implied I was casting judgement as I wasnt! I should have written it specific to my own situation, rather than in general terms, as I think that is why it came across as an attack against you! The rule of not writing in first person which is imposed on you through school / uni has stuck with me - i’ll have to break that habit as it has nearly got me in trouble! I hope it’s a bit clearer now what I was trying to get across!
—Dont worry —Hi Natnat
There’s nothing wrong with being positive, in fact its really the only way to be, I am even thought I don’t feel lucky.
I sometimes read what I have posted and think, “I didnt mean it to sound like that” always when its too late.
Your replies are very much appreciated.
Jan
For Natnat Looks like I came on a bit too strong too!
And this is becoming very tangled up now what with all the positives etc.
I shall resist the temptation to try to untangle things any further and simply say this - I think there are a lot of very brave and postive people around and I’m very grateful that so many of them post things on here. I find it a very reassuring place to visit and I’m delighted to be in such good company.
Thanks, to all of you, for being here.
xxx