Feel so helpless
Feel so helpless Hi all, just wondering if anyone else has had these problems after everything has finished (this is about my mum)
She was diagnosed 2 years ago in this Feb, had lumpectomy chemo and radiotherapy and after not getting on with tamoxifen was put on arimidex, the funny thing is, whilst going through all the awfull stuff, waiting for results, waiting for op, waiting for hair to fall out then waiting for it to grow again etc she coped pretty well but since all of that she has had the most awfull depression, she has been put on so many anti depressants, the only thing that seems to work is diazipam but they have now stopped that as you mustnt take it for too long they then put her on prozac with dire results (she totally trashed her bedroom and disapeared for and hour or so in the pouring rain the other night with no coat and only slippers on) my poor dad was beside himself, the gp the next day said he had never heard of anything like it before (i have recently read that it is a comon side effect if it doesnt suit you) making mum feel even worse although after 24hrs she was back to being just depressed and not ‘mad’.
The Drs dont know what else to do now, they just keep giving it “well you have been through so much you are bound to feel down” but this is more than ‘down’, my dad thinks instead of treating her for depression they should be looking into the ‘hormone’ side of it(??).
She is on ziplicone sleeping tabs too as she finds it hard to sleep and has now started waking up retching (something she did when she was first diagnosed) so its all to do with stress.
I am an only child and live about an hour away and i feel so helpless and dont know what to say anymore, just wondered if any one else has come across anything smilar, my mum was allawys such a bubbly happy person and i am very close to both my parents and although i have a lovely partner he finds it VERY hard to understand all of this and gets quite cross when i get upset.
Thanks for reading ALL of this.
luv Mel x
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think it is likely that for the depression to follow after all the treatment isn’t unusual, but that maybe the treatment she has received for the depression so far has not been appropriate. Has she been offered any counselling? Does she have a breast care nurse that she or your dad can get in touch with, there may be a local support group that they can put her in touch with.
It is not only about what your mum has been through, but what its like for her now, fearing recurrence etc. After all, once the treatment finished, the Dr wouldn’t have said to her ‘go away, you’re cured’ and that may be harder for her to cope with than enduring treatment.
Hope you soon get some replies from people who have had experience of this and come through it. Have you tried posting in the forum After treatment has finished, you may get someone reply there.
Best wishes,
Swizzel
it certainly sounds like your mum is still scared and worried.
at the end of the day no matter what anyone says, when you are told you have any form of cancer, the 1st thought you have is that you have been given a death sentence.
it takes time to calm down from this.
we are all scared of getting a reocurrance, but it is how the individual copes.
i am a year down the line and have just gone back to work, it has been my saviour, i feel as normal as i can do, i still have my off days where i feel tired and sad, i can still have a cry for no apparent reason.
i was lucky that i had someone to talk to all the way through. she was a lady from the local mental health hospital that i had seen several years before for post natal depression so i already knew her.
i could tell her my worst worries that would hurt my family if i told them, although i have to say i did on occassions tell my hubby of my thoughts. part of this is facing your fears and learning to move on, which is very hard for some to do.
i am on dosulepin 50 mg, it is a very low does also a tricylic drug which can make your mouth dry and makes you put on weight. not a lot but a bit. it helps with anxiety as well.
this must be very hard for you, just keep reasuring your mum, i know you may feel you are being repeditive but that is what we need, i know i needed it, i felt like a child who needed protecting and i needed reminding when i was scared that it would be alright and that i could do it.
sorry for rambling.
sharon. x
My mum died in august, she was diagnosed in september last year.
I find it difficult to talk to anyone about it, so thought id try this.
I feel like im in a daze everyday everything carries on as normal when things arent, im so tired fo smiling and telling people im fine so no one worries or feels uncomfortable, im so exhausted.
The last year feels like a blur, it feels like one minute life was fine and now shes gone and i can understand why. She fought so hard even when they told us there was nothing else they could do she refused to give up.
I dont think a day has passed when i dont cry, i feel like im constantly waiting for something to happen, that none of this was real but i know shes gone, id give anything to to hear her voice again to give her a hug, i just wish we’d had more time. I dont know how to go on knowing that i have to live without her, she should be here. I feel so cheated and alone.
Hi tinystuff2 Hi tinystuff2
Welcome to the Forums, I am sure you will receive lots of support from other users.
It sounds like you are having a really difficult time, if you would like to talk to somebody in confidence about how you are feeling, please feel free to contact our free phone helpline on
0808 800 6000.
The team are able to talk about both emotional and technical issues surrounding breast cancer and they come from a variety of backgrounds, so callers have an opportunity to talk to someone who has an understanding of their issues.
The helpline is available Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
I hope this helps
Kind regards
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Thanx Thank you to everyone who replied to me, mum has tried talking to a counsellor but he just tried to teach her how to breath and relax and i think she has gone past the ‘relaxing’ stage, infact im surprised he didnt get a punch on the nose!!
Also mum has been put off the b.c nurse (i know they are not all like this) when she was first diagnosed she tried so hard to stay positive and came to the hospital one day really ‘upbeat’ only to be told by the nurse “mrs Lawrence, you do know people can die from this” and it just crushed my mum. Understanderbly she is not keen to go down that route.
It really is like banging your head up against a brick wall, no one seems to know what to do for her, maybe i will try the After the treatment has finished’ bit (It takes me Sooo long to type being the one finger sort of typist!!)
And for the lady who has recently lost her mum, i am so sorry, me rambeling on must seem really insignificant, i dont know what i would do if anything happened to my mum, It is really hard at the moment for our family and i cant imagine what it is like for you, i hope venting some of your anger/sadness on here will help a bit.
Thanx again luv Mel
Hi Tinystuff So sorry to hear you have lost your mum, and it does seem harder when it happens so quickly. I haven’t lost my mum, but did come close to it very recently. It doesn’t matter how old you or they are, it is a major loss in your life. My partner has secondary cancer which is ‘treatable but not curable’ and live day to day with the knowledge that our time together may be short and that i will lose her.For a number of months I cried most days, imagining life without her, so god knows what it will be like when it actually happens.
It is so hard when your world has stopped and for everyone else, life carries on as normal. You are putting on a brave face for others, is there not one person you can actually be truthful with and say no, I am not ok, this is how it feels?
It is still very very recent, and don’t feel bad about crying every day, sounds natural to me.Grieving is a long process and if you are really struggling your GP could prescribe some sleeping tablets, or even anti-depressants, and refer you to a grief counsellor. It definitely seems like you need someone to talk to, and posting on here is a positive step. You may not think it now, but give yourself time and things will get easier, you never ‘get over’ such a loss, but you do find a way to live with it and the pain does lessen over time.
I am thinking of you, hope you don’t feel quite so alone
Swizzel
Hi again Bubba Your mum really has had a rough ride with the treatment she has received for the depression and the lack of appropriate support, maybe a call to the helpline on this site, or the Sane helpline would be able to give you some idea of the next step to take.
Also, maybe the Moderator can copy your original post to the After treatment forum to save you the typing?
I am sure Tinystuff would agree that your distress at your mum’s suffering is as valid as anyone’s, whatever their situation.
Hoping things improve for you and your mum soon,
Swizzel x
Hi Mel,
I’m so sorry to read your post. Your mother needs more than drugs alone and more than relaxation - she needs a cognitive therapist or a clinical psychologist or someone who is highly trained in dealing with these kinds of problems.
Her feelings and her depression are absolutely normal and understandable after what she has been though. Her response to Prozac is also normal - it does make people more unwell sometimes. While I think prozac is an excellent drug for many people it is a known risk factor that people who are anxious and take prozac can, occasionally, become more unwell on it and that it can cause major panic attacks (in fact read the leaflet that comes with the prescription; anxiety and nervousness are listed as side effects). Your mum is certainly not mad, she is trying to deal with the incredibly difficult time she has had. I don’t know anything about your mum so couldn’t diagnose her here but she might have post-traumatic stress, or she might be clinically depressed or clinically anxious or having panic attacks (GPs are not normally trained in knowing how to diagnose accurately between these conditions because they don’t have the time, specialists do that). Either way, all the evidence suggests that cognitive therapy (CBT) plus drugs has the best possible outcome for depression and anxiety, and CBT alone is more effective than drugs for post-traumatic stress. You say the doctors don’t know what to do - well they should! Print this out if needs be or tell them that CBT has excellent evidence for its effectiveness (they probably know this, but waiting lists are long and so many are understandably reluctant to refer, although your mum certainly sounds like a priority to me.).
Please accompany her to the GP and ask if she can be referred to a psychologist or cognitive therapist. Relaxation alone will not help - whatever was that man thinking? Your mum needs to make sense of what happened to her before she can move on.
Also, you yourself might need someone to speak to. Your partner gets angry - it sounds like he is frightened by your reaction. He doesn’t want to see you upset so he gets cross because he feels so helpless. Could you ask to speak to a BCC nurse or a (good) counsellor?
I so wish I knew who you were so I could help your family more directly. But, if you take anything from this message it is simply that what you are all going through is normal. You have had a terrible time and while your mum was able to fight the disease at the time (probably because she had something to focus on) all she is left with now is fear and uncertainty and maybe a different sense of identity. There are so many issues raised by such a powerful diagnosis so she, like so many others, needs appropriate help (and the help is out there).
Lots of love, Lilly.
Thanx again Thank you Swizzle (hope i have spelt that right!) and Lilly for taking the time to reply.
I will definately pass on the imfo about CBT, mum went back AGAIN yesterday and has been put on another (yes i know, here we go again) tablet, she wasnt too bad yesterday and i felt a bit better so i hope when i call later she will be ok still.
You are right when you say my partner doesnt know what to do, he hates facing up to things wher i like to to go head on and deal (or try) with things and sort them out!! They say opposites attract!
Any way Lilly, hows everthing with your family? Hope you are well yourself.
Thanx again for your replys, i know you all have many problems of your own, i will let you know how things go xx
hey lily, you sound like a doctor!!! are you hiding something? 
i have to say i had CBT when i went through post natal depression.
it is hard work but very worthwile, it takes time to get the hang of it and yes there are days when you feel that bad, even CBT doesn’t work.
basically it is like when you talk to a friend and give them advise and support, that is what you will do to yourself.
bet without a doubt your mum gets NATS, negative automatic thoughts. when you wake up in the morning, before you are even aware of it, a thought will pass, when you are well you are not aware of this but when you are so low, they are there waiting to get you.
" another day"
“i can’t cope”
“when will i feel better”
a negative thought can set you up for the day because you believe what you are thinking.
i had to pre empt my 1st thought of the day, so as soon as i woke up i had it ready before the negative crept in.
“right , what am i doing today, oh yes, go downstairs, have breakfast, do some shopping etc,”
it is obviously a little more than that but it does work.
sharon. x it did hurt my brain sometimes as i was constantly talking to myself. lol
Just an update Hi everyone, well mum has been to see the ‘tablet man’ (a chap who is supposed to know everythimg there is to know about medication but keeps telliong mum how to breath) she has been about 5times now with no joy and yesterday he said she had to go to a ‘group’ to talk things over (mum is a VERY private person and stubborn )she declined the invite and he basically said ‘well thats all i can do for you now’ and he even had the nerve to say ‘have a nice Christmas’.
I agree that a group chat would probably help her but she REALLY wont go (if she knew i came on here she would have a fit!)
Today she went to see the Dr because she has been havig bad dizzy spells for about three months which is adding to her depression, they come and go, no other symptoms, sometimes she can feel them coming and no one knows if it is tablets, ears or what (hence going to see the tablet man) She has had antibiotics incase of an infection, which one gp said it was and another said it wasnt! Her Dr today was awfull, he had found out about her refusal to go to the group and was very sharp with her and when she asked him AGAIN about the dizziness he said ‘well is it serious as i do have other people waiting’ Mum said it was to her so he sighed and said he would refer her to the ENT and audiology people at the hospital but it would be a long wait.
I know it sounds as though mum doesnt want to help herself, but she has been througfh so much these last two years and we thought that after all th B C business everthing would slowly sort itself out but its just getting worse, mum is now worried that she might have brain mets because of her dizzy spells but i thought they would have sent her for an MRI??? if they thought that.
Sorry to go on, i feel a bit better now getting that off my chest, mum is stll on antidepressants i think they are tamazipan and she isnt too bad (!!??) but she just wants to be back to normal, no dizzy no antidepressants, but no one seems to be able to help, and after the Drs today she feels really down again and now has to wait for ENT appointment to come through whilst worrying like mad about what is causing the dizziness (which i think is menieres disease as she has a ringing in one ear too)
Gosh you wouldnt belive how long that has taken me to type!!!
Thanks for reading xx
thanks Thankyou very much for your kind words Swizzel, this was the first post i put up when i started to come on to the forum and wasnt quite sure what i was doing and im so sorry that i seem to have posted it in the wrong place, i hope it hasnt upset anyone. Apologies again.
tiny xxx
Hi Mel,
My goodness that doctor makes me mad - your mum is well within her rights not to go to a group! Lots of people absolutely hate the idea of sitting in a group, they feel humiliated and embarrassed and it’s not for them. Other people love groups. But your mum doesn’t! So they should offer her individual therapy - I’m stunned by his insensitivity.
I think that the doctor was cross because he wasn’ t able to help her and it made him anxious and so he took it out on her. Please tell your mum that she is completely normal not wanting to go to a group. She should ask for individual therapy - one-to-one care. And as for your mum not wanting to help herself - that’s certainly not the case, because she keeps going to the doctors asking for help!
Oh Mel I am so sorry. She isn’t getting good care in my opinion. My parents had terrible GPs and so they changed practice and now they have a wonderful GP who can’t do enough for them. Could you consider changing practice?
And yes, if they thought she had brain mets they would definitely have sent her for an MRI.
Lilly.xxx
Hi LIlly Hiya, thanks for replying, my mums practice is a nightmare, maybe she should really think about a change, anyway we have a new development!! The week b4 last she couldnt stop ‘weeing’(Yuck sorry!) with all sorts going through her mind, and as usual Dr said nothing wrong no infection after very quickly dipping stick in sample bottle, today she bucked up courage to see the nurse who examined her and guess what… she HAS got an infection, that damn doctor is a waste of time, as far as depression goes she is so so, have seen her alot worse.
Hope all is well with you? I have decided that life is very much like a motorway, you go along for a while quite happily at 70mph then with no warning at all you are at 10mph just crawling along hoping for it to get back to 70 then it does for a bit and you just know that sooner or later its going to go back to a crawl and your only hope is that it will pick up speed quicker next time BUT as you are looking ahead down the road to see if its clear some wally hits you from behind (and you really didnt see that one coming) Kinda stop start, but if youre anything like me, while youre crawling its quite amusing to read the funny stickers in the rear windows of the car in front… If you get what i mean!!
Sorry 4 rambeling!!
Take care luv Mel