45 yrs old, diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma last week, have two 2cm lumps, mastectomy and reconstruction on the 15th + lymphnodes. I feel like everything is so surreal, and guilty for upsetting everyone I tell. My youngest boys are 8 and 10 and worried about mummy going into hospital. Not sure what to expect or how to feel except confused.
Hi Tina,
Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forums. You’ve come to the right place for some good support as the users of this site have a wealth of information between them which I am sure they will be happy to share with you.
While you are waiting for replies I have put for you below links to some of BCC’s publications which you may find helpful.
Breast cancer and you:
breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/89/
Younger women and BC:
breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/80/
Talking with children:
breastcancercare.org.uk/healthcare-professionals/publications/quick-order-list/*/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publicationId/21/
I hope some or all of this helps.
Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator
Hi Tina
So sorry to read about your feelings. I have felt very similar feeligs myself and want you to know that you are not alone. I had a mx two weeks ago from a DCIS diagnosis. The diagnosis came out of the blue from my very first mammogram screening and it felt as if I had been cannon balled onto a wall. Then followed a long two months of waiitng for the op over xmas and the new year and I felt nothing was real. Why am I worrying about this xmas present when I have cancer? I had to smile and pretend everything was ok not to spoil the season for my family. I carried on working to distract myself but felt everything was totally superficial to what was going on inside of my head and more importantly my body. So when the moment came to go into hosp I experienced emotional breakdown. If you read any of my frantic posts leading up to my op you’ll get a glimpse of what I was feeling at the time. I was told I needed a mx but I seemingly had nothing wrong with me - no lump, no pain, just am xray full of spangles. I had the op, despite experiencing the greatest fear I have ever known and have survived it. Two weeks on I’m sore and uncomfortable but my recon in doing well. I had my results last week from the op and they did find 8mm of invasive cancer amidst the 52 mm of abnormality but no lymph oinvolvment and so mx was the right option for me. I can accept this now but dark days still lurk around me, although today I feel fine. I’m lucky I don’t have to have chemo, just tamoxifen, although I had hysterics about taking that too.
I really feel for you at the moment. You are goinmg through such a dark time, and you’re right it does seem surreal. Everybody says ‘be strong’ and amazingly, most of the time you are, especially when like me, you have children in tow. But don’t be afraid when that strength seems to evaporate, just look after yourself, and you will pull through emotionally. I know I’ve been there.
Good luck and lots of warm thoughts are winging their way towards you.
Hi Tina,
I’m very sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I can identify with everything say. I’m marginally further down the line in that I’m now 11days post MX - no results yet so no treatment plan. Confused is an ideal way of expressing it. I’m 46, 2 kids, one of which is near the age of yours, she was very concerned about the hospital thing too, however in the event she was actually ok - not sure whether it’ll be possible in your case but in mine I was able to make sure they visited every day (with the exception of op day ) and she liked the idea that I had a phone by my bed and she could phone me if she wanted to ( in the event I don’t think she did ) More than happy if you want to talk more or send a personal messsage.
Thinking of you.
Lynn
Thank you for replying, it’s reassuring to know it’s part of the course I suppose. It’s been such a rapid journey, I only went to see the GP on the 11th Jan, and the breast surgeon wasn’t very concerned the first time he saw me, but I know now that ILC is not easy to find and to be told that there are two tumours was not what I expected! We decided to be open with friends/family. But I think only other affected women can truly understand the emotions. Even avoided the phone at the weekend because I knew I had to go over and over it again and thought I can not talk breast cancer anymore! I am glad to see that kids seem to just get on with it, I have been told I will be in hospital for a week as I am having a reconstruction done at the same time with a flap from my back. I hope the fog will lift of my brain, too. Was very concerned about what nighties to pack today, ended up with the contents of my drawers over the bedroom floor! Not entirely rational behaviour!
Hi Tina
annys and lynvee have already put beautifully what I would want to say - and more relevantly to you as I am in a different position, but I wanted to assure you that here is a place you can come to when you aren’t feeling strong and don’t feel able to say that to your family and friends, and there is always someone who understands and can support you. How you feel is always OK on here - you don’t need to cover up how you feel. This is such a rollercoaster, and none of us asked for the ride, but we’re all on it together.
Hope you are all being kind to yourselves
love
monica x