Hi there
I am due to start my first chemo (FEC)followed by TAX next week.
I am feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing, for myself and for my two little children.
I feel tired already, just from the sheer mental exhaustion of dealing with diagnosis three months ago.
I don’t feel there is one person who knows how i am feeling, they keep saying ‘oh you look so well’ ‘you are so brave’ ‘here for you anytime’ and it’s driving me nuts!
Most of the time i am busy and try to get on with things, but as the time gets closer, i can feel myself feeling more and more uptight and fearful.
Hi Naz, i felt in a similar way to you back in July, well i was terrified about having chemo. I always find it bizarre when people so how brave i am, and always so well i wouldnt be doing it if i had a choice. You may find that as treatment gets under way you feel more relaxed about it, i think generally the fear of the unknown is the worst thing about it. I have had 4x EC and 4x docetaxel, i had my last one today and my picc line out. I know i still have the side effects to kick in from this one, but i really didnt think that i would get to this point. What has helped me through it has been taking each day at a time, dealing with each side effect when it happens, listening to my body, and the great advice and support from the ladies on this site. I know i have been scared and such a wimp but the support here has been truly appreciated.
I hope treatment goes well for you
take care
anna
Hi Naz,
There are so many of us here like you. I have had 3x FEC and had my first TAX yesterday. I felt just like you but you will do it and we are all here for you so come and share your feelings. Don’t forget that friends and family are so important but unless they have actually been through this they will not quite understand your fears etc.
You should come and join us on 1st Chemo tomorrow, there are new ladies joining in so don’t think it is only for those who have alteady started. There is lots of good advice there and you will see that other ladies are def feeling the same as you.
We are here for you so let us know how you are getting on.
Love Jane xx
Hi Anna,
I totally agree with what you just said to Naz.
Congratulations on your last chemo and having your line. You must be very pleased. Luckily my veins are still good so no line for me so far.
Love Jane xx
Thankyou so much for your replies…
I will certainly come over and join the other forum…i feel this is the place where i can express how i really feel at present…xx
hi Jane, even though i know come friday i will start getting side effects, it feels so good to have my last one, and definately to have line out. My veins are good but it was suggested i had a line to keep them that way, glad i had it but glad its out now!
its a good feeling to be getting somewhere.
take care
anna
I have my second FEC due on Friday 18th, I don’t feel half as worried as I did before the first. It’s the fear of the unknown that is so bad.
When family/friends are sympathetic I find it’s best to give them practical tasks that they can do to help. Saying thanks for your concern but it would really be helpful if you could take the kids out for a couple of hours, or do the shopping or whatever, this will conserve your energy.
After my first FEC I felt like I had the flu and morning sickness rolled into one, but it only lasted for five days then I felt better, just a little tired. So think of it as ‘being ill for a few days’ and be kind to yourself. Get a good book and pile of DVD’s to watch and wait it out.
We do understand how you are feeling on here. It can be hard to talk to people who haven’t been through it. My Mother is driving me mad with forced positivity and the ‘your so brave’ thing. And my husband keeps asking ‘what’s the matter?’ if I look a bit fed up. It’s hard not to snap back at them ‘I’m not brave, I’m petrified’ and ‘what do you think the b***y matter is?’, people mean well, but just don’t know what to do or say. But on here you get good advise and understanding.
Good luck with your first one, remember you are not alone and you will get through it.
Thanks Et
Everything you say is so true, and i swear if i hear that word ‘brave’ or ‘strong’, or the phrase, ‘it’s only temporary’ again, it will be far too soon…!
The truth of the matter is i am petrified, no matter what anyone tells me, and why do so many people talk to me, saying it is for the best, knowing damm well that they are so glad it is not them!
Grrr…in a bad mood today, got a stinking cold and feel really run down…hope to be in a better mood tomorrow…
I will get the DVS’s in and dig out a book to read (haven’t read a whole book since my second child arrived on the scene!)
Naz I hope you are feeling better - nerves are natural.
I guess what we all have to remember is that friends and family are devastated too and they simply don’t know what to do or say to make it better and are frustrated that frankly there is nothing that will make it better but to go through the treatment and get to the other side.
My poor darling husband would do ANYTHING to take this from me - he would have chemo himself but it won’t help and he is hurting as much as I am but and it’s a big but we are closer as a couple and we do laugh out loud at things just because we can !
Understand the apprehensive bit totally - positively dreading Thursday - am also sick of hearing all the statements family/friends make about being brave and it will all be over before we know it. I’m trying to be positive for OH and daughter but as the days tick down its getting harder. I actually want to run away, I feel so well at the moment, I’m now beginning to wonder it I need chemo? I know I do but can’t help wondering if there was an alternative, I could do and despite ‘dotting i’s and crossing t’s’, keeping busy to try not to think about it its not helping now, or first thing in the morning when I wake or when there’s another all well intentioned phone caller/visitor who asks ‘so when is it you start chemo?’.
Like you, I’m ratty and tired with a distinct lack of positivity - sorry everyone, just not feeling at all good about it. Emotionally I do not feel I have anything left to give at the mo - is this nomral??!!
Leigh, i could have written this myself, i really could!
I echo everything you say in your post, but like you,i am trying to keep it together for the children and my OH, not to mention my poor mum who is 150 miles away…
I also feel amazingly well, i keep saying to myself, why the hell am i having this, why am i putting myself through this when i could quite easily forget the whole thing and move on right now!
Leigh, we will get through this and come out the other end, we will, and this time next year, well all of this we can put behind us.
Thinking of you too - hoping it will go well for you also. Had a very teary chat with my chemo nurse today who has tried to allay a few of my fears and she was quite sympathetic so I’m hoping she will be about on Thursday for a hand hold!
Dont know about you but sleep is a bit elusive and my thoughts are constantly on starting chemo Thursday - I keep trying to remind myself to concentrate on something else but…
Cannot say I am positive at mo just resigned and the sooner it gest going I think the better I will be - just hoping the impending snow is not going to hinder any travel plans!!!
Hello Naz and Leigh
just wanted to say that the fear and apprehension are completely normal and also appropriate - I haven’t read one posting where people starting chemo haven’t been scared and fearful. I also haven’t read one posting where the reality of it is not as bad as we think it will be. Prepare to feel yuk for a few days - I’m another ‘5 day’ gal, and if you do that and it doesn’t happen, well that’ll be fabulous! As Et says, for me also its like flu and morning sickness - thats a good description.
Its hard when people tell you you’re brave, and amazing, and look so well when you want to have a good weep and the great power of this forum is that you can come on and say how you are feeling, and there are so many of us going through the same thing (I’m having FEC number 5 tomorrow). The best advice I got was to ‘roll with it’, ie go with the flow. Every cycle I finish is an achievement.
good luck to you both
let us know how you go on,
take care
monica xx
So glad to hear that the apprehension etc is normal, i thought i was going bonkers this week, i guess you get to a stage when you just want to get on with it and another day to wait seems like too much.
How right you are with people and the ‘brave’ ‘strong’ thing, i have never heard that word so much in my life!
I do know one thing, when this is all over, i amn taking a holiday to a sunny destination!
All the best with your next round today, will be thinking of you, and will let you know how you get on …
Leigh., how are you today? Thinking of you also, glad you had a chat with your nurse, hope it helped a bit and reassured you for tomorrow.
Remember, i will be doing the same as you tomorrow, so we can take strength from that.
Naz - will be thinking of you tomorrow too and will obviously let you know what my experience is hopefully fairly soon as well. Hope your experience is a good one and the SE’s minimal or non existant.
Monica - thank you so much for your kind words of support - it does seem that these forums are the only place I can really say how I feel and I am so grateful to everyone who responds particularly because many of you are also undergoing treatment at the same time but still manage to find the strength to support your ‘fellow’ forum ladies - truly remarkable:)
Hi all!
Had my first FEC yesterday, after a FOUR HOUR delay, i can tell you,i was ready to run by the time it was my turn!
I have to say, i thought i was very brave (even if i have had enough of that word and never thought i would hear myself say it!)…especially as i managed to keep my cold cap on for the duration at some godforbidden temperature!
Had nausea all night from 8pm, so no sleep, but got up with kids today and saw my daughter off to school and then proceded to clean the house!
Feeling a little nauseaous on and off today, and really cold (could be to do with the temp outside !).
So thankyou for all your messages of support and reassurance so far, this website is a godsend!
All the best to everyone on the journey towards health and happiness…
A 4 hour delay would have had me running I can tell you! You are brave. Thanks for your post, so sorry you have been suffering somewhat , makes me feel even more bad that I appear (so far) to have got off so lightly!!
I’ve spent today pottering round the house but at one point felt I could take on the world - that Dexamethasone can fool you for sure!!
Hope you get some rest tonight and the nausea abates - today has been good haven’t felt nauseous - keeping fingers and toes crossed!
