Not having a good day today… My mum was diagnosed with stage iv bc spread to bones 8 mths ago, but to be honest, as she’s in a good positive place right now I’m not as stressed as I was. So long as she’s happy/comfortable I can cope with that part of my life. One of the toughest lessons I’ve learned is that you have to appreciate the day where life is concerned, irrespective of cancer. I think the thing I’m suffering most with is knowing my mum, my greatest supporter, won’t be around forever and that there are only certain people I can rely on. There are a couple of so-called good friends that just have not been there for me, and I’m angry. Angry cos I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be there. It’s left me feeling angry, insecure, isolated and a bit depressed. I know everyone lives in their own little ‘bubble’ to a certain extent, but this whole cancer experience has made me more aware of the importance of being there for other people, and I’m sad and disappointed that other people don’t seem to give a toss about anyone but themselves. Suppose this is just a painful reminder that I need to move on from these people and find new friends. I’m a very sensitive and caring person and it annoys me that others just think of themselves and their own little world. My mum’s suffering has made me more aware of the need to help others. I just feel sad right now cos my mum’s my best supporter and friend and know that she won’t be around forever
Realise this sounds like a dear diary rant, but I think I’d explode if I didn’t get that out. Thanks for listening x
Jjt, if anyone’s going to understand, it’s us. So you just vent away.
Many of us have also found the same sort of thing with “friends” just disappearing. I think it’s often because everybody just has such busy lives, it can be that months go by without making contact with a friend and you wonder where the time’s gone, but if that friend is having a hard time of things then the time between contacts can seem a lot longer for them and they get a feeling of being abandoned.
As for your mum and her diagnosis, there are lots of ladies on here who were diagnosed with bone mets YEARS ago and are still kicking up the dust and making their presence felt. I intend dying before my daughters, that’s the order of things, but hope it won’t be for a while. That’s probably what your mum intends too.
I’m just waffling so I’ll stop now, but you just go right ahead and have a whinge when you need to, because we know it’s not just whinging.
Hi jjt and great post Choccie!
We’re all allowed a good rant now and again so go ahead JJT!
People do live busy lives and sometimes you feel angry that they aren’t feeling what you’re feeling. Bet they do though! We all feel a bit isolated now and then and thats what is great about this forum.
Chin up girl and love and best wishes to your mum!
This is a really tough time for you and how wonderful that you care so much for your Mum. The challenge for friends is that they struggle to do or know how to do the right thing. They probably care very much for you but don’t know what to do for the best to support you. Rather than upset you they will back away to give you space.
I say this as someone who experienced this many years ago when my own Mum was suffering with cancer. If you are young there is a good chance that your friends have never come across this situation; when it affects us we have an inate response, if it doesn’t then how do we know what do to.
If they are friends that you have known and trust for some time then despite what you are going through it may be easier to say what it is you feel and how you need them to support you. Tough as it sounds sometimes very good friends don’t want to upset you so reactions get confused.
What is clear is that you care deeply for your Mum and that is wonderful and over and above everything else is the most important thing for you both.
I do hope that you find the support that you need and try not to write off your friends just yet.
Thank you both for your replies, suppose I’m hypersensitive about the situation cos I’m vulnerable as it is. I just feel let down by certain people I thought I could lean on - but that’s life, friendships ebb and flow. I won’t cut people off but I am taking this as a sign I need to meet more understanding people. I didn’t realise how important that was to me until today. I think helping/meeting others is the way for
me to deal with any anger.
My main focus will be on having good times with my mum. She’s in a wheelchair (at 52) cos of crumbled spine, but her pain in well managed and things are good just now. She’s still my mum, i just hope she feels supported y me now. I dont want her to worry or feel scared, and thats my number one aim. We both have the same attitude on life which helps - live life to the fullest
I’m curently going through the same situation as you. My mum was diagnosed with Beast cancer (level 3) last year. When I told my friends the bad news. They were really supportive and said that they would be there for me the whole way through.
3 weeks passed after telling them and I hadn’t heard from them at all. This is very unusual as I normaly speak with them on a daily basis. During the 3 weeks I’d text and called them.
This made me feel every lonely and like no-one cared. My first thoughts were “well if you dont wanna be there for me then I dont want you around”. It really started to eat into me and I was really in need of there support.
After a while they did start to contact me and were always talking about all their problems and never asked how it was going. I complained to my brother about it and he said to me that how are they expected to know that you need them if you dont tell them.
I sat them all down and said everything I was feeling. It was brilliant coz it turned out that they hadn’t contacted me coz they weren’t sure of how I was feeling and didnt want to bother me.
What I’m trying to say is that if you sit them down and explain how you’re feeling and that you need them to be there then 2 things will happen: 1 they’ll listen and be there for you more, 2 if they dont listen or be there for you then they’re really not worth getting upset about.
Hope this helps. You sound like a loving and supportive person xxx
Thanks mina61. I think a big part of why I’ve been feeling so sensitive about it (apart from the obvious) is that I know that, selfish as it sounds, I need to keep a bit back for me and not “just” look after my mum/family, work, home, and stress. I know I sound hyper-sensitive but I know the reality is I have to cut a couple of people loose from my life, they’ve been people I’ve known for 10+ years and it hurts, but they really haven’t been there for me - I mean me doing all the running, no phone calls for several months etc. Maybe I have been in wounded animal
mode at times, but ive had a lot to deal with and isnt the whole point in having friends that they’re there for you during the crap times?! The thing that grates is I know I’ll be the one left feeling guilty but I know I have nothing to feel guilty about…anyway, I’m trying to put a good spin on things and take it as a sign I need to be proactive and (even more) brave and carve out a bit of time for me. I’ve enrolled in a language course and am looking forward to it and am going to make sure I see those who have been there for me.
Thanks for listening to my rant