Feeling flat, flat, flat.
Feeling flat, flat, flat. Hi girls
I was diagnosed last August and finished my treatment 4 weeks ago (chemo, WLE and full axillary node dissection, radiotherapy, 5 years of Tamoxifen.)
On the whole I’d say I have coped reasonably well. But lately I have been feeling dissatisfied with my life. I have a beautiful 22-month-old daughter and a supportive fiance but, all of a sudden, it doesn’t seem enough. I feel guiilty for feeling this way as I know I’m luckier than a lot of people.
It’s not depression - I know that because I’ve suffered from depression and know the difference. I take anti-depressants and they do help.
It’s more like a feeling of ‘is this it?’ I just feel kind of flat. I am tearful, too, and lacking in motivation.
I just wondered if anyone can relate and whether it gets better with time. I haven’t had a period since half-way through chemo so I guess I’m probably in the menopause. I’ve also been off work since diagnosis but plan to return in 3 weeks so that may help.
Any tips for giving myself a kick up the backside?
Thanks
Lola
Lola,
I felt/feel exactly the same…
Treatment over and it’s a BIG ‘Is that it then’
I have never been a tearful person but since the rads finished I can blub at anything that verges on sad!!
Going back to work may help you get back to ‘Normal’.
I’m not disatissfied with my life now at all but there does seem to be a huge void and I can’t pin point it.
Maybe a year of hospitals/appointments/treatment/leaflets/information etc etc filled up so much of our time that we forget the little things that used to occupy our minds…I don’t know.
Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Good luck getting back into work mode.
Clare
Me too Hi Lola
I’m at about the same point as you and have similar feelings at the moment. We’ve got a lot of additional stress anyway as my mum & mother-in-law are both really poorly. Putting that aside though, I’m having trouble ‘moving on’. I was very positive and focussed almost all the time during treatment but I seem to be falling apart mentally now, getting very tearful, emotional and bad tempered - not like me at all.
I’ve started a phased return to work, thinking that it would help to be back in the outside world again. Much to my surprise that hasn’t been easy either. It appears everyone else’s life has been going on as normal whilst I’ve had all these momentous experiences to deal with and I just feel ‘different’. I hear people moaning about trivial everyday irritations (just like I used to) and feel like telling them they should be grateful that’s all they’ve got to worry about! I’m finding it very hard to adjust, something I never expected, as all through treatment I was desperate to just get life back to normal.
Sorry I’ve got no answers but just wanted to let you know that I understand how you’re feeling. Perhaps giving yourself time to come to terms with what’s happened to you will help. I’m about to go on holiday and hope I’ll be able to relax and get a bit more of the old me back again.
Take care.
Sue
xxx
and me …most of the time i’m more or less OK but was seeing the psychologist this morning and got very upset and weepy, so i guess it hasn’t all just gone away…i really identify with the feeling different thing…i’ve got a friend who was very seriously ill with a different illness, we spent last summer visiting each other in different wards of the same hospital, and we’ve talked about it feeling as though you’ve been away in some foreign country for a long time and come back…or like soldiers feel when they come back from war and have been through things that their friends and families can’t possibly relate to. i realise that it’s a process of grief and mourning, things are never going to go back to how they were before this happened to me…i was all ready to bound in this morning and say i was fine and didn’t need the counselling any more, but i think i was wrong…
Thanks Thanks for your replies girls. It does help to know I’m not alone.
That’s an excellent point you make about soldiers returning from war, Catkin. It has been noted that cancer survivors exhibit a lot of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (what they used to call shell shock) so that makes sense.
Can you imagine returning from, say, Iraq and everyone around you is moaning about having a cold or having an argument with someone at work or having a zit? You must be thinking, “I’ve just witnessed people being killed and you’re stressed about your bad skin!”
Recently my brother-in-law said to me, “I know you’ve been through a lot but it’s over now and you need to get on with your life.” Thankfully my mum, bless her, jumped right in and said, “You don’t understand what this disease does to people. People think the hardest bit is when you’re going through treatment, but it’s not. She was really strong thoughout treatment but, now that it is over, it has all hit her, and I can see how that would be hard. It’s like she’s only coming to terms with what has happened now.”
Thanks goodness for mums!
Lola
Thanks to your Mum, Lola, for sharing her words. I just burst into tears when I read them. I guess it’s good to know others understand. I keep thinking I’m okay now (I hope). When people ask how I am I say a bit flat BUT I’m fine really because physically I am getting more fine.