Hello Joanne, I can see the circle of women and their care has shone forth with their lovely replies, and just wanted to add to them.
Your post shows so much strength amidst the sadness and anger; please be gentle on yourself and just let yourself feel whatever you feel. All your feelings are both valid and important. Please never apologise. Us women frequently apologise for having normal feelings, whilst also being awesome. Stuff the apologies. We can feel whatever we like.
You are on one heck of a journey, on this cancer train, as we all are, with different stops, and it is emotionally traumatic and upsetting. The journey isn’t as clear for a while, with potentially some long tunnels, but we do come out the other side.
May I ask if you have tried Macmillan Counselling. I found it really helpful x
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Hey sweetie, whoa on top of you’re health issues, dealing with kids, & a husband with ADHD is exhausting. You’re head understandably is finding it hard to deal with.
This is a safe place for you to be able to voice you’re worries, and concerns. We all need a place away from family & friends. I always say unless they have been through Cancer themselves they don’t feel the same we do. I also get about you’re nursing and how hard and disappointing that at a time you wanted to be concentrating on s career and instead it’s all about illness.
If you feel you need to step away to find peace and to heal within then do it. This time is also about YOU and what you have to do.
My own journey was one of shock and just months away from my 60th birthday when I wanted to do allsorts. But putting into prospective I had got to an age where alot don’t have the luxury. We go through treatment then at the end of it you are left to deal with life which is so scary at times.
Time is precious and if you don’t feel like doing anything I say don’t do it. Cancer has made us look at life differently.
I have read all the replies and there isn’t anything useful I can add, except to say that it takes a lot longer to get over it/come to terms with it/ deal with it, than one could possibly imagine. I think about 2 years. There is anxiety, anger, grief, frustration, panic. I tried to side-track all of this by buying a new horse, in the hope that having him would distract me from the awfulness! It did help, but I was on overload of anxiety which then became panic and sometimes threatened to become depression. I did get help from a homeopath. And sometimes, you have to stop - just stop. Stop being brave and strong and doing all the things everyone expects 18 months later, because they assume you have got over it. Just stop - find your favourite TV and sit in front of it peacefully.
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I think you did the right thing, there is no point trying to support someone else who doesn’t understand. My partner has schizophrenia and although webhave stayed together and he was a saint through chemo, he now has no understanding at all. As for the not feeling in control, I think we can all relate there. It is out of our control, there will be choices to be made regarding treatment but I didn’t feel I had much choice. Good luck with the rest of your journey, we are all here for you. 