Feeling flat waiting for news

Diagnosed with breast cancer Recently diagnosed with breast cancer
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Firstly I want to apologise, I’ve been quite vacant on here lately. In my own thoughts… and don’t feel I’m best for giving any sort of advice when I can’t get my head around things..

I had my surgery last week to remove my tumour. LiCAP surgery, so with reconstruction. It was over 3cm, so with the margins I had pretty much half of my breast removed.

I somehow feel positive it’s over after a four month wait from diagnosis, due to having mixed ILC & IDC.

But also feel flat.

I had a grade 3 tumour with a ki67 of 40%

Awaiting oncotype, lymph biopsy and margin results.

I have no idea what treatment comes next. I don’t feel in control.

I feel like I’m existing.

I laugh and joke with friends and family, and seem like I’m coping.

My relationship is struggling, I’ve recently decided to live on my own with the kids as the pressure was too much: he doesn’t deal with things very well. Has undiagnosed ADHD. And I can’t manage him anymore ontop of all of this with the kids too.

I say kids. We have one child together who is 7, my eldest are grown up now.

I feel angry. I just turned 40 and was finishing my nursing degree, ready to take on the world. I had separated from him before all this, but with the diagnosis we tried again.

I don’t even know what I’m expecting from this post. Has anyone struggled with relationships during their journey..? I hear of great supportive partners, but rarely ones that don’t take some of the weight off your shoulders atleast.

Or am I being over sensitive.

Sorry for the rant ladies xxx

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Don’t have any specific advice as such, but didn’t want to read and run. I have an almost 7 year old and though my partner is being supportive, he doesn’t really understand and wants me to have a fighting spirit, but I don’t feel like I can be in ‘warrior’ pose. I also feel angry- I’m 36 and was feeling really settled and making fun plans and it also feels like it’s all been taken away. You’re not alone- sending love x

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@Mamma2three What you can expect from this post is masses of empathetic support from all of us. What you’re going through is a marathon in itself. To navigate this with kids sounds like a huge enough task. To manage it with a neurodivergent partner is even tougher. I think it is probably wise to make the decision to be on your own for the moment. And no, I don’t think you’re being over sensitive in the least.

Feeling angry (feeling any emotion) is yours to feel at the moment. You’re entitled to be angry. Here’s hoping once this is all over, you will have the option to pick up the strands of your career again should you choose to do so, and then decide what you want to do with your relationship.

For now, focus on you, lean in to every shred of support you can find, and don’t feel the need to smile through it. I’m sick of pretending it’s all ok because it bloody well isn’t. We may not be in your physical world, but we’re real and we are living through our own version of this, so we all get it on one level or another. One day at a time. XXXX

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Hi @Mamma2three

I have a friend who was diagnosed at 32. She had a 3 year old from a previous relationship and a lovely partner who she was loving life with. On the day of her diagnosis they had a night out with friends planned and she said she didn’t feel like going. He disagreed and went anyway. He left for that night out and never came back! 18 months later he turned up at her house to say HE couldn’t cope with the news but he’d heard she was better and was happy to return. Not all partners are supportive. Please try to remember you are still that strong, confident woman and you will get through this. Give yourself time to process and reach out whenever you need to. You have an army of people here to support you xx

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OH…MY…GOD! There are words I could use, but they’re not repeatable here. Franky, I’m speechless, which is rare indeed. I hope your friend found (or finds) someone who deserves her and treats her with the respect she deserves. x

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Ah Mama, partners rend to be wildly different. Some have the ability and empathy to support others, like mine (now binned), told me I was making up my diagnosis to get attention. Allow your self to heal, both mind and body. That nursing degree will be there when you come out of this particular journey. I travelled alone, with support from friends and family. And I am glad I did. I hope your results are positive and you can start to look forward to the new you. Sending cwtches xx

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She did and still has a loving husband now. Xx

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This means so much! Thankyou…

Just the feeling here of being heard, and what you feel counts. I feel like when I say things to him and mention the cancer like “no, I don’t feel up to doing anything today..” he takes it as rejection. I explain it’s the cancer then I feel like I can’t say it’s because of the cancer because I’m using cancer as an excuse. It’s exhausting..

But you’re right, and I have told him today he needs to address his issues as I can’t deal with both.

Thanks Jaygo :heart:

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Wow!!!

So many men are emotionally detached. I know I’d rather do this on my own than with someone who says he will be there and continuously lets me down. When trying their best isn’t even the bare minimum. But they can’t see it.

I’ll get there. Cancer somehow gives you this different kind of strength doesn’t it. :folded_hands:

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We grieve the life we were planning…

I’m hoping after all this it will be even better than I ever could have imagined. And something like this shows who are your true friends / people. :folded_hands:

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Thankyou lovely :folded_hands:

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It really does. It’s fight or flight and we will fight! xx

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@Mamma2three this quote appeared early in my cancer journey and it really landed. I offer it to you as my gift.

”You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you’ve got’“

xxx

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Well done you.

Yes, you are heard by us, and you do matter. Nobody can truly understand this unless they are on the same journey. Neurodivergence throws in a whole other set of challenges. It’s not their fault, but that doesn’t make it any easier for us to handle.

Any time you need to lean on us, do. I never cease to be blown away by the kindness and collective power of this group. XXX

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@Jaygo You sound remarkably strong to me and I admire you. You could have simply carried on the way you were and finding it more difficult every day. well done for making that brave decision, I’m sure you will look back on it and know it was the right one for YOU at the time.

I feel the same as you, we are told to be positive and strong and we will get through it, ladies are worried about saying they are struggling because it makes them feel weak, especially when everyone else seems to be coping well. I have great support this time around (recurrence of Lobular breast cancer) however, it wasn’t always like that when I JUST had a small operation (Lumpectomy) to remove cancer, then I should have just bounced back, after all, it was all over for me. So I quietly did what was expected of me but actually didn’t truly deal with my emotions. This time around is different thankfully. So many people have told me about loved ones not understanding their worries, feelings, concerns, making it about them, drinking heavy etc etc so the ladies have had to deal with their emotions alone and I think that’s really tough, after all, we really are going through enough without them adding to it. So you are not alone, it’s happening more than you will know.

Just keep being you. You and your children ofcourse are what’s important now. You can pick up the pieces in the future if you so wish.

I wish you a healthy future lovely and keep being you ,:pink_heart::pink_heart::pink_heart:

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You have had some great replies already and I’m in agreement with it all . You aren’t being over sensitive and it’s ok to feel angry . I got really fed up of being told to think positive - as I don’t think it’s natural to feel positive all the time especially when you’re dealing with other crap on top of cancer . If you do then fine but but other people and society at large seems to perpetrate this myth of a calm accepting positive cancer patient and it’s not fair to try make people live up to it especially when you may be feeling your worst and have had your life turned upside down.

My partner is frequently less supportive than I would like - he and I both think he may have some undiagnosed neurodivergent issue he is very locked into his routine which sometimes means I get no help with practical problems - he doesn’t even register them and isn’t good with change. We are devoted to each other , he is lovely and funny and kind but I’ve known for a long time that I am going to have to be the person who gets things done even when I’m grieving or ill . But it would be nice if they could pick up the slack every now and again wouldn’t it ?

As one Nurse to another I think we attract and sometimes are attracted to people who need us maybe more than we need them. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to graduate yet but people will always need Nurses and you will will make it eventually and when you do you will have a gift that you never wanted but is useful nevertheless because you will have a lot more insight into and empathy for what your patients are going through . Sending lots of love . Xx

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Hi @Mamma2three

I can really resonate with your post .

I was diagnosed on Dec 1st 2025 with grade 2 IDC which later turned out to be mixed IDC / ILC .

My husband was very supportive in the beginning but the more I worried the more detached he became . He even told me I had ruined Christmas which as you can imagine didn’t help my already spiralling mental health

My lumpectomy was booked for Jan 5th so I admit I found it very hard to keep up the “ happy face “ at Christmas.

I thought he was just being nasty but it took me a while to work out that it was how he handled his worries about my diagnosis without putting them on me . I don’t agree with how he handled it but I finally understood it.

My biggest source of support undoubtedly came from the amazing ladies in this forum . They gave me the confidence to face each step and the reassuring hug that I needed when I was at my lowest point.

I’m now 3 months post op , on Anastrozole and should start radiotherapy in the next couple of weeks and our relationship is back to our “ normal “

Good luck with your treatment . I hope everything works out the way you want it to and you start to get some sense of happiness & normality back soon xx

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Thankyou for this.. I suppose time will only tell. I’m lucky I have family and friends for support.. hopefully he will step up :folded_hands:

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I love this :heart_hands:t3:

How beautifully put xxx

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I definitely get that part about attracting people who need us. The empath in us I think.

I have learned to deal with things on my own. I have a great family and friends support system. I will concentrate on my treatment and recovery. And if he wants to come along for the ride and support that would be a bonus. If not, I have enough with you guys, and my support system.

Thanks so much Joanne :heart: xxx

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