Hi… I was diagnosed with IDC grade 3, ER&PR+, HER2- on 30 Oct. Today I was told I have bone mets in three places (sternum, ribs, pelvis). Still absorbing this… But when I tell friends (I’m single a 40yo, my friends are my family) I have this overwhelming urge to apologise to them. I’m so sorry they have to process this, that they have to feel all the feelings. It’s like I’m letting them down somehow. Even though this is definitely NOT something I’m choosing, I feel guilty. Maybe also because I don’t have family, I feel I’m asking more of them than if I had family support?? I don’t know, I just feel crappy dumping this huge thing on them… Have other people felt this? My logical brain is telling me I shouldn’t feel this way, I shouldn’t pull away from my friends, my support network, but I want to shield them from what I’m going through.
Hi
You a brave person and it seems perfectly natural, to feel guilty about delivering the not so good news to friends (or family). But as you say, there is nothing you have done to put this on yourself. As much as you may feel guilty, there is no guilt.
Good friends would want to know and want to help. Yes it will be as much a shock to them but hopefully they will get past that stage, and be ready to offer that extra support.
Stay strong, and take care of yourself x
Sorry to hear about your latest news, and hope you get a treatment plan in place shortly.
Yes, totally understand your feelings. And Sal’s reply is just what I would say if she hadn’t already.
Also does your hospital have a special cancer counselling service? They are very useful and you can discuss your feelings with them which can also help you with getting the support from friends that you need. Your friends sound like the very best.
Macmillan and breast cancer now provide excellent support too.
Hospital cancer counselling services typically have a waiting list so best get on there asap.
Wishing you all the very best. Remember there are lots of supportive people on here too. Hug.
So sorry to hear how you are feeling. Try not to bottle up how you feel, let it out. If you need to visit Maggies - they are fab or McMillan and offload to someone impartial first.
I too struggle with dumping on close friends and my older brother and have to find other resources. Never ever feel guilty - if they can’t cope there’s always others who can. Take care x
I am very sorry to hear of your situation but to answer your question yes - I’ve seen various posts that have mentioned this even if they have technically been about something else . I was dreading telling my Dad and feeling guilty because he was 91 and we had lost my Mum a few months before. I can remember wondering how I could tell him that I had cancer when he had just lost his wife and that I would be putting the fear into his mind that his child might die before him ( even though in my case I was low grade ) . I really felt like I had let him down . I considered trying to hide it from him but despite living away I was involved in caring for him and I felt it would harm him more if I didn’t come over to see him because for eg I was recovering from surgery if he didn’t know why.
Just to echo the previous replies get as much support for yourself as you can / think you need . I found that I leaned on friends probably more than family for psychological support as I felt I had to show a strong positive face for Dad and initially also for my partner who didn’t deal with it well at first . I do have other family but they live some distance away and we were still in lockdown at the time so my contact with them was limited.
I also have a tendency to isolate myself at times - and I know it’s not helpful but I still do it until either I feel better or there’s some sort of resolution . Maybe it won’t hurt to give yourself a little time to get your head around it before you fully disclose to your friends but this isn’t something you can protect them from or that will resolve .I know you already know this isn’t your fault but knowing something and believing it are two different things - hopefully in time you will believe it . It might help if you can think about how you would feel if things were the other way around and one of them was the one who was ill . Sending lots of love xx