hello ,was diognosed with breast cancer in 2006 now just passed my 6 yrs checkup and ned ,only thing is my friend who sadly was diognosed 2 yrs ago with stomach cancer has just been told it has spread and they say there is nothing else they can do for her ,ive been supporting her over the last few years and she was doing really well untill this last scan ,she was a help to me when i was diognosed even crying when i lost my hair ,i wasnt given a very good prognosis but im still here but now shes dying ,i feel guilty that im coming to the end of my journey and she is facing death in the next few months ,i havnt been able to ring her today as im so upset but god knows how she must feel ,anyadvice from you would help me know how to go about visiting her and what to say .
Hi Aroma,
I wish I had some wise words to offer that would help you to make sense of this, but there are none. There is no logical explanation as cancer of all forms is so unpredictable. I think forms of ‘survivor guilt’ are almost normal in this strange world… we can feel guilty because our cancer is ‘less bad’ than someone else’s or our treatment ‘less intensive’ or whatever…
I guess in relation to your friend, what she is likely to want is as normal a life as possible, for as long as possible. Although it is hard, time spent with her will be very precious, as you share memories and maybe laughs, perhaps visit favourite places, Also, unlike packets of food, we don’t have epxriy dates printed on us - that sounds flippant, but actually no-one can know how long your friend has left, so don’t stop planning little treats or visits.
Try not to feel guilty, I am sure she wouldn’t want you to… who knows but she is not feeling guilty for leaving you? Guilt is pernicious and destructive, so try not to let it overwhelm you.
Big hug for you, and best wishes for your friend.
Hi Aroma
i can’t begin to imagine what this is doing to you but just wanted to add something to show my support.
agree with all that rev cat said. Just wanted to add something. I may be wrong but it sounds as though you are worried of being upset when you call her. And yet you describe how she cried with you during treatment and it sounded like that was a really precious memory for you. Just wanted to say that maybe it’s ok for her to see that you are upset in the way you saw her when you were going through treatment.
when you are ready to contact her I’m sure she will understand. You sound very close and she is lucky to have you as a friend.
mals
Aroma
My dear SIL is dying and has a matter of weeis/ months to live. Stage 4 bc , extensive mets in fact its bloody everywhere.
At the same time she heard her news I was diagnosed with bc. Im hopefully going to get away with (despite shocking family history) surgery, Rads (start New Years Eve) and Arimidex …
I can’t begin to tell you how ‘guilty’ I felt when I finally shared this with her. However, she took my guilt away through the genuine relief she showed me when I finally told her about me.
The only thing I can do for her now, is to keep on being ‘me’. And keep on doing what I’ve always done with her.
Im taking the lead from her, and I don’t push , whatever she wants to do is what we do. Generally that’s just sitting and talking
And what I call 'generous listening ’ on my half.
I find now (today) that my younger brother DX with Cancer 3 years ago is also now on ‘borrowed time’
If ever any of you hear me moaning when my treatment kicks in. Do m a favour and give me a smack!!!
Take care
C xxxxx
Hi Aroma,
This bl**dy disease is so unfair and so random. Please don’t feel guilty that you are recovering and NED at present I’m sure your friend would be genuinely pleased for you. If you find it too difficult to talk to her at present write a letter explaining things I’m sure she will understand, then when you are emotionally a little stronger you will be able to give her the support she needs and there will be no elephant in the room so to speak.
best wishes to you both
Caroline