Hello lovely people. I need to get how I am feeling off my chest so ignore me if it’s a bore for you! A week a go I had a lumpectomy and lymph node biopsy. I am a healthy, fit woman usually but I feel so unhealthy and ugly. Having to come off HRT suddenly has been awful in addition to getting my head around what is happening to me. I can’t bear to look at my breast and don’t feel like me anymore. Can anyone relate?
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Yogi1 
the range of emotions on this rollercoaster ride are something that we’ve all had, currently having and sadly those yet diagnosed will have bcn is your safe space you can say how you feel as you have you share whatever you want to here 
everyone gets it no judgement or questions just an empathy and understanding there were many times I didn’t recognise myself but if you look deep in your eyes, you are still there, still amazing you it can strip you bare and try and take your joy don’t let it you do what you need to say on your bike your not having me bcn and everyone here’s got me and together we are incredible post away here, rant, share whatever this is your safe space 
Shi xx
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Oh bless you sweetheart . Firstly you are adapting to changes caused by coming off HRT which is skewing everything . Secondly one side effect of this process is that we often no longer trust our bodies anymore . I didn’t actually feel like this after my lumpectomy but possibly because I had already experienced this after my retinal vein occlusion - from the outside you couldn’t see anything was wrong but I’ve always thought my eyes were my best features and my sight was / still is damaged and I can remember feeling defective / not a complete woman anymore . I didn’t want my partner near me and felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I had also suffered a couple of bereavements and ended up having some counseling which along with the treatment for my eye which improved my sight and learning to adapt to the changes in my vision really helped me.
It’s early days for you yet but if you continue to feel this way then please get help and if you feel that your breast is healing as it should then please contact your BCN to get assessed .
With love xx
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Good morning yogi1
I can empathise with this feeling. My breasts were always my ‘best asset’ so I too felt ugly immediately after my lumpectomy seeing my breast in dressings, misshapen and bruised. I think we are on hyper alert when just out of surgery and feeling anxious which makes things seem worse. I’m very fortunate that now I’m fully healed it is not that noticeable. It took, however, a good 6 weeks for all my bruising to go, longer for a flat area to naturally start rounding itself out, and you’re still at very early stages of healing. Please give yourself time. If you are still unhappy with how they look once they have healed there are options for reconstruction. My surgeon suggested lipofilling which I was certain I would want, but, to be honest, I’m not that bothered now. Sure, they are a bit wonky, but mine always have been. I also hated feeling unhealthy so got back to the gym and running as soon as possible which definitely helped both my physical and mental wellbeing and body confidence.
I hope you begin to feel better about things as you recover. x
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Dear yogi1
My thoughts are with you, I agree with all the comments our ladies have sent, and really can’t add any more, however I would like you to know I’m thinking about you, remembering this was how I was feeling. it’s horrible didn’t know some days if I was Arthur or Martha
We are all here for you, please keep posting to let us know how you’re feeling.
Wishing you well, with the biggest hugs
Tili 
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Hello @yogi1
Christ it’s horrible isn’t it! Suddenly being cast into this parallel universe! I can relate, I went through chemo first and was given Prostap in an attempt to protect my ovaries from chemo (it didn’t work) but it shut them down immediately so I went from a normal cycle and hormones to complete ovarian suppression overnight and effectively being in the menopause complete with intense and frequent hot flushes, sometimes lasting most of the night! I hated it initially, every hot flush reminded me of my cancer and the fact that biologically the chemo was ageing me by a whooping 10 years! But fast forward 7 months and I’ve adjusted to the side effects of the menopause and don’t feel so bad. But yes, I remember feeling ugly and also cos I lost mostly all my hair and herceptin brought me out in zits, I was like, oh Christ! Then later on having to have a mastectomy and reconstruction. Recently I’ve begun to feel more like me again and I’m getting ready to start running again in time with the right equipment etc, but the treatments are so intense that I didn’t feel like me for ages. The impact on my shoulder mobility with lymph node removal (don’t know if it’s similar for a biopsy?)!has been really bugging me as yet again I feel like a part of my body has been knackered up by the bloody treatment and has aged prematurely! I’m working like a demon to get my shoulder mobility back to start with and thank god for the lovely physios at my hospital! Just before my diagnosis I was doing bootcamp fitness classes several times a week, I was deadlifting 80kg and bench pressing 35kg so to go from that to…well the above, was pretty horrid so yeah I do get it. It’s so stressful to have all these changes forced onto you. Now I’ve got chemo and surgery behind me (9 weeks post surgery now) I’ve started to feel like me again so you will get yourself back, you won’t be stuck here forever. It’s awful though, to suddenly be cast into this cancer world. The other day I was peeved cos my hair is taking a while to grow back and I said to myself, I’m fed up of looking ugly now!! The only thing that’s kept me sane has being proactive around how to be as healthy as I can be around stuff, so I went to a menopause workshop at a Maggie’s centre which was brilliant so I have learnt how to manage my heart and bone health and eating really well. But really it is just time and distance from the treatments that heals xx
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Thank you all so much. We really are going through the mill! I’ve been quite shocked and surprised by how I’m feeling and frustrated with my body. I was (will be again?) a yoga teacher and can’t touch my toes!!! I know I need to just be patient….
Love to you all
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As a Yoga student who has been helped by Yoga through all my illness problems I am sure that you will get there. When I had my retinal vein occlusion I didn’t do my Hatha classes because I was worried that the forward bending wasn’t good for my eye but my Yin class helped to keep me sane. Being able to restart Hatha afterwards felt like a landmark recovery moment for me . During Lockdown I started an outdoor Vinyasa Flow class which I loved but had to stop after my lumpectomy because it was too strong for both of my shoulders as I had fallen and sustained a rotator cuff injury on the opposite side . I had stop my wild swimming as well because movement in the cold water tightened up the tissues too much - I just restarted swimming then had to stop again because of radiotherapy and at times it felt like BC had taken all the joy and colour out of my life and turned me into someone a good 10 years older but thank heaven for my Hatha class which was on Zoom and I managed to rejoin a few weeks after my op . For a while I also went to an amazing Somatic Yoga class which was run by a Yoga teacher who was recovering from BC herself - so we shared that part of the journey to recovery .
It’s taken quite a while but when time permits I’m now doing Yin , Hatha ( still via Zoom ) and my outdoor Vinyasa Flow class . I’ve also been able to build up my swimming again .
You will find a new balance within yourself though it will take time .
Namaste xx
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Full respect! I went to my first yoga class last week. I consider myself to be quite fit and strong usually as I strength train, run and all of that, but yoga was brutal! 
I’m sure you’ll get back to it in time. x
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Hi yogi1
I can totally relate to your thoughts. I was worried about unsighlty scars after my lumpectomy. I know I would have 2 as the tumour site was quite a distance from lymph notes. I was also worried about pain from 2 wounds instead of only 1.
However, should not have worried. The tumour scar is hardly noticeable and lymph node scar is slowly fading. It was red but blending in better now. I must admit my breast has changed a bit but not too bad at all. Hope you feel better soon x
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I also wanted to say to try to be kind to yourself and patient . When I fell and damaged my rotator cuff 3 weeks after surgery I was trying to rush somewhere - and probably wasn’t ready to rush . Also I pulled a muscle in my side during my Yin class after radiotherapy because I was overstretching although it didn’t seem like I was overdoing it at the time . It’s a real pain ( literally !). and very frustrating when you are used to being fit and flexible I know but for 1 week post - op I’m sure you’re doing ok. My SNLB scar is now invisible and my lumpectomy scar is very faint . My breast has pulled in a bit at the side but it’s not very obvious unless I put my arms above my head - I’m pretty pleased with it considering and hope that you will feel similarly when you are healed. One of my Yoga teachers did a workshop on menopause and Yoga for menopause which she then taught - unfortunately I wasn’t able to get to that but she pulls off bits from it into class from time to time. Maybe something to look into when you are feeling better ? Xx
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@yogi1 thats absolutely normal
to feel that way. It’s a major life change. But it’s very early days for you. Give your self a bit more time. I had my lumpectomy nearly a month ago and it’s healing well. I have been very careful though. I took a photo straight after the op and I am comparing it to now and I can see it’s healing. I guess to be back to all activities will take time also depending on the final results and care plan you get. I am still hanging and uncertain but I hope to be able to be back to some contemporary dance at some point. Journey is bumpy and hard and the more I am in the more I can see it. Going off HRT is horrid enough. I had to do it as well. Now looking into how I can manage the symptoms without … hugs 
to you x
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Don’t underestimate that the HRT itself will be affecting you. I had to have my ovaries removed in April (BRCA2 positive) and went into menopause immediately. Because I have E and P Positive breast cancer I had to go into menopause without any HRT. I am telling you this because I have noticed, in my self, state of mind issues. Reacting in ways that are not in character for me. So I think you can expect to feel differently than normal. I personally have not felt about my lumpectomy as you, but we all react differently and that is ok. For me it’s more a thing of defiance. I will have a double mastectomy in November and my nick name for my reconstruction is “my life saving boobs” as opposed to my “genetic boobs” > Hang in there, feel what you need to feel. I hope you soon love yourself the way you deserve. Big hug! A
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I can relate absolutely. I’m 61 had lumpectomy for TNBC last December, then chemo and radiotherapy - just finished.
I too had to give up my beloved HRT.
I know logically that my boob doesn’t look too bad, I opted for under boob incision and apart from a bit of dimpling and a small difference in size there not a lot to see.
However I feel like it looks awful and that my hair loss, skinniness and grey hair have massively aged me. I feel like I was hanging in as a youngster and that BC has pushed me into old age.
I now am going to have to try and rebuild my confidence and find a new me. I’m still extremely resentful because I want the old Me back !!!
I don’t have an answer but I do understand, I’m not a warrior or a survivor I’m a bloody pissed off woman whose hated the whole BC thing and resented every second of treatment etc.
I’ve signed up for Breast cancer Now “Moving forward” sessions in the hope I can find a way. Oh and I’ve held onto my vaginal oestrogen, there’s no evidence that it affects recurrence rate and it goes someway to helping with the sandpaper vagina !!!
Love to you xx
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@Vibby hugs to you for your very eloquently put post which I’m sure many of us can identify with 
I wasn’t on HRT anyway but was advised to stop the vaginal oestrogen, but after 2 weeks of increasingly sitting on pins I went back on it. I thought I had enough to deal with without a sandpaper undercarriage as well!! 
Oh and I hate this fighter, warrior talk. It implies that anyone who doesn’t survive just didn’t try hard enough 
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Hi @pat and @Vibby - I’m with you all the way. The warrior thing and the being positive all the time thing has its place if it helps some people even some of the time but nobody should be made to feel like that’s how they’re supposed to respond to having cancer - I think it’s a bit of a myth that helps people who don’t have it to feel less uncomfortable . And it’s an insult to the memory of the wonderful and brave people I have known who have fought but still passed away from it. Xx
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Oh your post is so refreshing, THANK YOU! I am pissed off too! I am 10 days before my lumpectomy but having come off all my HRT to read you have kept the pessaries going is wonderful as that is the one I don’t want to give up the most. It helps with so much down there! I will talk to my GP but I did also here it from the online Dr Liz O’Riordan that pessaries are okay. Gives me some hope.
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