This morning I woke up and felt so lonely, I know I am not alone. I know I have friends who have checked in.
But I just felt so sad 
. I didn’t want to get up as I didn’t want to be in my daughter’s way before she went to work and have her worry about me.
When she was going I got up, made a cup of tea and phoned McMillan. I spoke to a lovely lady who helped reset my brain.
I know people have their own lives and problems, and are thinking of me. I just needed a connection at that time.
Treatment is such a bizarre thing to go through. As it feels all or nothing. All the lead up to the surgery, then one phone call check and one wound check and you are alone until you have your results.
Especially the time before anywhere is open to reach out for help. The hour before dawn etc…
I completely understand how your feeling as I’m experiencing something very similar .
I’m wondering if it’s the come down from the euphoria of getting through the op and the anxious wait for results .
I’m glad Mcmillian helped , I’ve often wondered if I should call but haven’t plucked up the courage yet.
Am sure your surrounded by family & friends but remember we are all here for you to anytime , day or night xxx
Oh @hen, I’m sending you a really tight hug across the internet. I can be in a room full of people and laughter and feel alone.
What you have written will resonate with all of us. There are such highs and lows and the inbetweens when we’re numb to it all, accepting of our lot, head down and getting on with it or we somehow forget and things feel ordinary again.
I’ve had moments of profound sadness. I’ve sat in the armchair in the evening in the semi-darkness crying without making a sound. I’ve felt like a full reservoir and there’s been a slow trickle over the top which goes unnoticed.
Life has changed irrevocably. I physically no longer look like the old me, my outlook on life has changed, my plans and hopes for the future have been turned upside down. Worse still I feel responsible for impacting the lives of those I love. It’s a lot when you see it written down.
However as you will already know, all that you and I feel is to be expected. We need to normalise it. We’re still in the thick of it, you more so than me. I’m 15 months in, 2 more doses of trastuzumab then I’m hopeful I won’t feel so stuck and can start living my life more than a week at a time.
When I have those real low points I allow myself to wallow but bring myself to the present. I remind myself how far I’ve come and just how fortunate I am that it was found, that I’ve had fantastic care, that I’m loved and that I’m alive xxx
Sending love to you Hen - sometimes it’s a bit like a science fiction programme where you’re slightly out of phase or living in a slightly different universe to everyone else ( by this I think you can tell I’m a nerd ) . It always seemed to hit me more in the evenings . I’m glad you found someone to reach out and talk to and we are always here xx
Hi @hen
Like all the other ladies I totally understand where your coming from I think everyone feels the same , I am 3 years down the line but some days feel the same way , family friends stopped asking how I am , because I finished treatment they all think I’m cured and it’s all in the past I’m fine so sometimes I feel so alone my husband is great and helps me a lot . So your not alone we are all here to help xxx
Thank you.
I think the news of my brothers death last week is hitting hard and I’m kinda being stubborn in not wanting to smile today.
I did just voice note a friend and said if I wrote everything down that has happened since April last year and did a kind of - this is your 2026 and you have to choose two of the list…. No one would want to pick one thing and I’ve had to deal with it all.
But; I am pleased I reached out and thank you for your messages. It really does help to make me feel less alone.
Even though you’re the one going through treatment you sometimes tip toe round even the family and don’t want to be a burden.
I know the feeling of not wanting to be a burden. But put yourself in their shoes and how much it would mean to you to be there for your family. Yet you don’t want them to be there for you?
This is not the time to be tough. Accept all help.
I created a private chat on Facebook and invited about 15 people to join it.
In there I shared everything in real time. I got so much advice and it was quite funny too.
Don’t do this alone Hun
I just wanted to message @hen and send you the biggest virtual hug! The way you feel is completely valid and I know that most of us have more than likely felt the same at times. As one of the other lovely ladies have said, what if it was the other way round. I’m sure you would never feel as though your friend or family member is a burden. You are loved ! I’m so glad that McMillan were there for you when you needed them. Keep on reaching out when you need to. This journey can be so lonely even when you are in a room filled with with people who care. Unless you are going through it or have been to through it, no one truly understands. We are all here for you xxx sending you lots of love xxx
It’s just so hard that when the person I would have turned to was my brother and I can’t. He totally got me.
People expecting to be there for my parents. When I haven’t even got my dressings off!
I have had friends message and support and I am in a better frame of mind when I woke up this morning.
I am going to Maggies tomorrow for a counselling session.
When my brother was here last we went together and the woman who spoke to us, is who I am going to see. Which feels so important that she saw us together.
Thank you all so much for reaching out. X
I am very sorry your brother died a couple of weeks ago. No wonder you’re grieving. My brother is now 72 and has poor memory and a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s but I can do nothing to help him as he wants to live alone and I live a long way away.
I feel helpless as I have been struggling with an alcoholic husband who is also smoking now, and I had to work on my mother’s cremation, commemoration service and make sure all the paperwork went off to the solicitors.
The only positive thing was that I didn’t focus completely on my health. Today someone reversed into me as I left a car park and made a big dent in the front passenger side door. He was not looking where he was going and blamed it on me. I had to dig out my car insurance and had 9 years no claims but I still felt sick.
I am always worrying about my health wealth and well being and none of it is worth a hill of beans. We are born, we live and we die.
Sorry to be a bringer of gloom and doom - I hadn’t meant to be so negative. I went on the phone to my car insurer and after consoling me about the dent in my car they reduced my premium for the coming year and organised bodywork repairs immediately!!
So despite sadness about my mother’s death I can keep on driving a bit longer (I was 70 last year). I know the dead cannot come back, but we can do our best to live in the present and hope for the best.
Seagulls
Its a lonely old journey. Well done for speaking with someone.
I wanted some information from one of Duane’s friends he said he would get and hadn’t. So I messaged him this morning as I was feeling lonely, but found out last night Duane’s cremation was yesterday in Laos. Anyway his friend gave me the name of who to contact. Which was another friend of my brothers. She replied and we had the most wonderful conversation and she helped fill in some gaps about technical things I wanted to know. I was going to go out to the botanical gardens today, but after my messages it made it even better to go. Duane spent a huge chunk of his life in New Zealand and there is a part of the garden set to NZ. I took a photo of the water which was only a small pond and th light reflecting on it was magical
I really feel like he was connecting his northern hemisphere home to the one he had south. I can’t wait to print this photo….
Glimmers and magic.
People deal with things differently. We arent exact copies of each other. Sympathy and support gets some of us through the day easier and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Everyone here has been affected by cancer in some way. Have you?
They’ve removed the post you replied to after I flagged it but well done for answering it graciously xx
Thank you. I’m glad someone else noticed. I promise I’m not mad and I talk to myself… @JoanneN can vouch for me haha
Ah but I talk to myself as well …. Xx
Hi @hen
I’m in a similar boat .. just had the surgery (4 months after diagnosis due to multiple tests), had the phone call, and the wound check is in a couple of days…. Then it will be the torturous (and lonely) wait for the final pathology results!!
None of which helps you any!! Just wanted to say Hi. Sorry for the loss of your brother 
and wanted you to know you’ve been heard.
Good luck with your results🤞
Good luck with your wound check, thank you for your message and reaching out.
mine was fine apart from one small bit needs to heal. My results were good and clear. I have to have some radiotherapy sessions and medication.
I’m waiting for appointments for scans etc…
I hope you get your results soon and keep me posted. I’ve not been on here so much as other life issues to deal with, but I do reply back when I can
x
That’s excellent news 
. It’s such a long process. Have read various people say that after all the active treatment is complete (which they’ve been desperate for) you can unexpectedly feel a bit abandoned cos suddenly all the medical appointments stop. That’s probably when forums like these come into their own!
I’ll keep you posted. Few weeks to go probs.