Hey everyone and hoping you are all doing OK.
Haven’t been on here for a while as I thought I was coping pretty well on my own, the truth is i’m actually at breaking point.
I finished chemo 6 weeks ago and am now 2 weeks into rads. I am begining to let it all get to me and don’t know what to do.
I’m starting to get really tired and miserable, snapping at my other half all the time over the slightest little thing. Life’s too short and I really don’t want to be like this but I just can’t seem to snap out of it.
My brother is getting married in 2 weeks time and I am one of the four bridesmaids. I’ve put on so much weight over the last 6 months mainly due to comfort eating inbetween good weeks of chemo, obviously I have no hair and now have a big red rash appearing on my chest area from rads. All the other bridesmaids have lost weight for the big day and all look stunning and i feel so ugly. The others all look so young and fresh looking and at just 28 I feel and look like someone twice my age. I don’t know what too do ? My brother will be so let down if I back out at the last minute and I don’t think i’d be able to forgive myself for letting him down. My mum has also just finished chemo, we were both diagnosed within 2 weeks of eachother with breast cancer so this year has been exceptionally tough for him.
I’m really struggling with the thought of the future too. I went out with a friend at the weekend and had a great time ( as I always do with her ) but I could’nt help looking at the people in they’re fourties etc and getting upset, Thinking how much longer do I have left to enjoy myself ? will I still be having fun in 10 years time ? will I still be here ? will I see my daughter grow up and get married one day ? will I ever be able to give my husband to be a child of his own and will I be around to bring it up with him and share all those precious baby moments ?
I’m due to go back to work in about 2 months time, I work at the local hospital in the xray dept. I’m so scared of going back. Cancer is everwhere in the xray dept, we Ct patients for mets, we ultrasound people for tumours, we bone scan patients for secondaries. Its going to be a constant reminder and so in my face.
I just can’t take much more, I know there are people out there so much worse of than me but I can’t help thinking the way I am at the mo.
Sorry to go on so much I could just really do with some support or advice from people that understand.
Thank you all, take care,
Mandy xxx
Mandy,
Hello. I can identify in many respects. I’m 46 - a lot younger than you , I know, but exactly the same thoughts have been running through my mind this weekend.
I have two children, Bob (15 and Jim 12) . They are both currently on hoilday with my husband Mark. We have a caravan by the sea and because of my radiotherapy I am unable to be with them for the full two weeks that they’re there. Drove home tonight, me and one of our dogs and my mind was going into overtime.
I have a “good” prognosis but that doesn’t stop me thinking about will I still be around for them all. We will be Mandy. You and I have come so far.You will be around for such a long time . Don’t fret.
This is likely to be a small bump in the road that is the rest of our lovely, long, life. I think that all this that you and I are experiencing is the fall out from the roller coaster. Everything to do with Chemo and flippin hair falling out and generally feeling rubbish is a distant memory to what should be elation now.But it isn’t,is it? This is time to stop and reflect upon all that we’ve gone through - and didn’t we do wonderfully!
So, stay strong, hang on in there and you and me both will come out the other end.
Big Hug
Janeyb
x
Dear Mandy
I am sorry to read that you are feeling this way at the moment. You are welcome to contact our freephone confidential helpline for support and a ‘listening ear’, our helpliners are either breast care nurses or have experience of breast cancer so will have some understanding of what you are going through. Our helpliners will be able to talk to you about our other services which you may also find helpful, such as ‘Peer support’ whereby you are put in touch, by telephone, with someone of similar age and diagnosis to you who can help support you through this difficult time.
The helpline number is 0808 800 6000 and it is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
Kind regards
Louise
Moderator
Breast Cancer Care
Hi Mandy,
i really feel for you especialy about the Wedding. I’de tell your brother how you are feeling - he wants you to enjoy the day and not find it too much of an ordeal. Perhaps if you go but arn’t centre stage as a bridesmaid - you might feel more comfortable. It will be quite difficult - all those well meaning glances and people trying to say the right thing . But people will be genuinly glad to see you and want you to have a nice day (especially your brother). Go and get a fantastic wedding outfit (M&S do some lovely skirts with matching scarves - good if you can tie a bandanna), have a couple of drinks (not too many ), surround yourself with people you like and put on a brave face (this disease turns us into oscar winning actresses). If you feel lousy on the day there is no shame in saying so and leaving eairly - people will be simpathetic and those that aren’t arn’t worth bothering about! cheers
caroline
I am new to this site and just diagnosed so i wouldn’t insult you by assuming i know how you are feeling. but i can identify with the wedding ordeal. My son is getting maried in 6 weeks and i like you have a lovely dress to wear, bought before i found out i have cancer and bought with 2 boobs in mind!! the chances are i may only have 1 boob and/or no hair so i have told my son i will be there walking proud with socks in my dress and a fasinator super glued to my bald head!!! Our families love us unconditionally you won’t let your brother down. Woman like you are an inspiration, hold your head up high and have a fantastic day.
Anne x