Feeling low

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Hi all,

Mary, good to know new telly is up and running. You’re really becoming a tech star!!! Enjoy your lazy day

Roz, good to know no change and Arimidex is working. Excellent!! We need more good news like this.

Just to let you know that my onc has called me today!!! - first time ever!!! And the PET scan will be done in Cheltenham next Thur. I can now relax for the weekend and friends are taking mum and I for a day out tomorrow. So, I can really enjoy it now.

Hope you all have a nice weekend. xx

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Hi Girls,

Hope everyone is feeling good today!!

Roz that is very good news, that things have stayed the same,and the Arimidex is working!! It’s such a relief, as you won’t be too worried when you see the onc! Well Auntie wasn’t too lucky with the cards,it’s a good job we were only playing for pennies!

M1yu excellent news!!! hoping and praying for good results from the Pet scan Have a lovely day with you’re friends and mum tomorrow, look forward to hearing all about it!

Anne, thinking of you and hoping se’s are bearable, take it easy!!

Dianne seems to have been away ages, missing her posts,she is so good, she keeps us all going!!

Julie how is the balcony work going…you will have to put a picture on FB!!

Nicola any luck with the laptop!

Wayne and Maryanne,you are in my thoughts and prayers.

It was quite a nice day, sunshine and showers, but warm,went food shopping, I am feeling rather knackered today,and quite achy! I am a bit worried, as the last time I felt like this,I was blaming the Zometa, but it is 3 weeks since I had it, so it can’t be that, maybe I am just recovering from last week! Hope that’s all it is! I had to have a lie down today, I am feeling a bit
better now!

Hope all our other ladies are okay,and having a pain fee time,thinking of you all!

Lots of love Mary xx

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hi everyone and thankyou for your helpful comments. i cant remember all your names yet so cant post individual comments but best whishes to you all. i am feeling totally ashamed of myself as i have been feeling really sorry for myself, i have been taking antibiotics for five days and the cough hasnt gone. That probobly means that i have lung secondarys again. I have turned my phone off and been horrible to my family sometimes it annoys me that they are so optomistic and dont want to face the truth.I know this sounds terrible but lately i keep getting terrible bouts of depression and negativity, i cant seem to control it. when i feel like this i dont want them around me.I know i should be inspired by some of your positive stories and admire everybodys strength, but unfortunatly i have been on a lot of threads and spent a lot time reading them all so have also read the negative ones, which may have been a mistake as now i am accutely aware of what could happen. also a lady i knew, , she used to post on here, died and she was my inspiration. I am so cross with myself as i dont want to waste my life being misrable, can anybody help, my family think i need help.

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Dear Terri
I am sorry to read that you are feeling so low, please do call our helpline, it’s open in the morning from 9am, the helpliners are there to offer you confidential support and can suggest other ways in which you can get help to cope. The number is 0808 800 6000.

Take care
Lucy

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Terri I am so sorry to hear your having such a bad time, this bloomin disease wears away at you physically and mentally and sometimes I think we try to put on a brave face for everyone around us we are just kidding ourselves that we can handle it everyday.

Do you have the support of a Macmilland Nurse or attend the local hospice, you dont have to be at the end of the road to attend a hospice they are there for whoever needs them and the support they can give is wonderful.

Antibiotics make me depressed to so it could be because you have been taking them its knocking you back., Have you been diagnosed with lung mets or are you thinking the worst case senario, as we all do. I had a friend who had a shadow on her lung for several months when she had breast cancer and the hospital wouldnt set her mind at rest even though it was just a lingering infection.

My friend tells me the only thing you can control in all this is your mind, but I dont agree with him, the mind is a powerful thing, but please make sure your family realise you are ok if you leave your phone turned off, let them know you just want some time to yourself, they will be at their wits end

big bug cyber hugs Ann B xxx

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Hugs terri!!! I knew how frightening it is even though I don’t have lung mets - we all do. Every pains and aches and symptoms we all put it down to BC or treatment. It sets our mind off and triggers our worst fears.

Sounds like your family are exactly the same with mine - they just wouldn’t talk about anything negative and the worst possible outcome. Every time I start talking about some time in the future, I might need more chemo again, mum starts to cut me off by saying “no, no, it will NEVER happen, you’ll get remission and you’ll stay in remission”. Of course, we all hope that’s the case, but I always feel that when I’ve got the ultimate plan in place, I feel I can deal with whatever that’s thrown at me. True, we can never plan for everything, but after I’ve talked about the worst possible outcome with friends, those who want to listen to me, I feel a lot better. And my psychologist agrees with me that being positive all the time is not always a good things and we need somebody to talk to about our worst fears (as being suggested by Lucy, do try the helpline if you need a listening ear). My mum used to send me lots of stories about how other people get better and were “completely healed” and then add I’ll be the same… thinking that those will encourage me… but I find them sooo irritating. All I wanted to know is that YOU WILL be there for me when I need you and when things go wrong!! It’s about being realistic, NOT negative. Of course, don’t we all know what could happen to us?

Sorry about all that waffling, terri, your post just struck a cord with me and I used to switch my phone off a lot! And I guess I was driving my parents mad for not saying anything (as Ann B said). Please do make an appt if you’re still worried about your lung mets returning. Better get it check than spend all the time worrying.

Do take care. Please feel free to PM if you want to “talk” more. xx

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hi ann thanks for replying. one problem i have is i live in berkshire and am being treated , by choice in hampshire. the hospital and hospice etc are sixteen miles away. i do have a macmillan nurse but she is in berkshire so never has all the facts, only what i tell her.same with the gp they dont get direct information about what is happening.I have had some theraphys at the hospice but had trouble getting there, they offered to pay for taxis but it was some rediculous amount and it seemed such a waste.I agree with you about turning off my phone but they did already know i was having one of my DAYS , as they call it,i have switched it on again now. my children all communicate which each other about me, and have taken to ignoring me when i start with the negative stuff. I had lung mets when i was origanally diagnosed but they completeley went with chemo, thats why i think this cough is it come back again.I think some of this because one of my daughters is going to university next week. Of course i want her to go and do somthing good with her life, but at the same time i dont want her to leave me. Under normal circumstances it would be ok but when you have a life threatening disease its different. My sixteen year old son left seven weeks ago to go on a training course and that nearly destroyed me. I guess its a case of bad timing and i seem to be over emotional about everything.I guess i am also dreading going through more treatment as i have had a good year feeling really well but it doesnt last does it. any way thankyou ann i appreciate your help. I would like to say to anyone reading all my threads, i am really sorry for going on, i am not always like this please forgive me if i sound pathetic, am so sorry.

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hi miyu thank you for replying. my family all have positive storys to tell and am convinced i am going to be the same.IT so hard to tell them what could happen because i dont want them going about their lives with that in the heads so i have said i cant make them any promises that i will be ok because this is cancer, so hopefully that sort of covers it. i can understand how they feel because i was the same when my dad had it, full of encourgment trying to keep him positive but it got him anyway.i have a friend who i care about a lot who is always so happy and i dont want to be around her, whats wrong with me.

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Hi terri,

The prob with me is that when mum start telling me those stories, I felt that if I don’t get better, then I’ll let them down. And they used to (thankfully, not so much now) put all the blame on me! It’s because I didn’t eat the right food, or stay up too late, or didn’t do enough exercises, etc, that I’ve got this. And if it “comes back”, it is my fault. It is natural when things go wrong, we all want to blame something and find an easy answer. And I know they must be going through horrible times, too and they are scared of losing me. But it isn’t fare to put all that pressure on us. You are so right for not making promises you can’t keep. And terri, we all have our own ways of dealing with the illness, you don’t have to be like your positive friends. My psychologist (sorry, him again, I just found the sessions have been so helpful) said that it’s natural we’re withholding info from friends and family because we’re worried “we’d upset them”, but someone who truly cares would really like to hear and help. Maybe that’s another reason we don’t want to be around positive friends - we don’t want to be negative in front of them. Please don’t be sorry, it’s what this forum is for and those who have been through similar situations know how you feel.

Knowing that your children are leaving you, in a way, you must feel a little bit like you’re being left on your own and not knowing what might happen before you see them again. It’s a horrible illness, it throws so much uncertainty and fear into our lives. And I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, too.

Lots of love and hugs and hope you get some good night sleep. Tomorrow WILL be a better day for you hopefully. xx

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Hi Terri,

We can all relate so well to how you are feeling! I know what you mean about the positive stories, they really irritate me!! I know people are trying to be kind,and let’s face,there is no way that they can fully understand what we are going through, it is all so scary, and when someone on the forums dies,we are all so badly affected,and more so if you were friends!

Please don’t apologise for being human! you are going through so much anxiety that you can’t think straight,and the antibiotics are probably not helping! and then your daughter going to uni, and your son away, a stressful time under normal circumstances,but with all this going on it’s unbearable for you!

I think we all need help to get through this, and maybe your doc could get you referred to a counselor,it’s worth having a word,I do think you would benefit,give it a try, don’t keep struggling,or as M1yu has suggested ring the helpline, I have in the past, and found I did feel better after talking to someone!

Please come on here, anytime and get things off your chest,we are all here for you,and understand.

Take care Terri,try and get some rest,sending you lots of love and hugs, Mary xx

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Hi Terri,
Just wanted to add my support and reassure you that you have nothing to apologize for, we know where your coming from and can empathise with you and will do our best to support you through this rotten time.We all go through bad spells, I hope you begin to feel a bit better soon, the antibiotics are probably not helping your mood either, I get depressed with them sometimes.
Keep coming on here, I’ve found the support tremendous and hope you will too.
With very best wishes Julie x

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Hi Teresa

Please don’t apologise this is what this thread is all about, supporting each other, and believe me we have all had our moments feeling exactly as you are at the moment. I do think it does you the world of good to put your worst fears down on paper and get them out there. We all understand because we go through them too, I don’t know about us being strong we just do what we have to do – there is no choice you just have to get on with it. I think our strength comes from supporting each other and the comfort that brings. I think m1yu has given you an excellent example of exactly how peoples families react and will just will not face up to the possibilities that we face – understandably so and it is their way of coping. I think you can only truly understand when you are going through the same thing, that’s why this forum is a lifeline for me and the women on the forum invaluable friends who truly understand.

There is nothing wrong with you and please don’t say you are pathetic – you are not!!! You have cancer and everything you are feeling and experiencing is a totally normal understandable reaction to this horrid bloody disease. We have all felt like punching the ‘keep positive’ people in the face or the ones who say ‘how brave we are’ - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

It must be so difficult with your children leaving home at the moment – are you on your own now? Coping with these life changes on top of bc is so difficult, they must be worried about leaving you and you about them but also you must be so proud of them. So many conflicting emotions, not much wonder you are in turmoil. On top of all that loosing your friend recently must be really hard – my heart goes out to you.

We do all go through our ups and downs Teresa but there are options that maybe you should explore. Many women – m1yu being a good example – really feel they have benefitted from counselling so definitely worth thinking about if mood doesn’t lift. I went through a bad spell recently and seriously thought I would see my GP about anti depressants. Nothing wrong with anything that will help you get through this difficult time. Please also keep posting we are always here for you and have all been in the dark place you are at the moment. I must say that sometimes my mood just changes and all of a sudden I feel like myself again – it is a wonderful feeling and I do hope it happens for you soon.

It must be very scary have a cough when you previously had lung mets and I know it’s hard but I think you need to get back to GP or onc asap as antibiotics clearly aren’t working. The thing that most does our head in I think is the waiting and uncertainly you are certainly doing your share of that. Good that you like your onc that makes such a difference. Whilst you are thinking the worst you need to find out exactly what you are dealing with and then work out best course of action but please don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t ask for bc and none of this is your fault. We are all here for you and I so wish there was something I could do or say that would help. I do hope you get some answers and a plan in place soon.

Sending lots of love and hugs Anne x x

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hi ann thanks so much for your reply. i wont be totally on my own i have a ninteen year old and fifteen year old left, i have no partner and havnt had for some time. I am seeing my oncologist friday but its all time passing and if there is anything going on it will just be getting worse.My surgeon said the arimedx might still be working on a differant level what ever that means but im hoping my onc will change it straight away as i feel so vunrable and that im am not having any treatment.I know he is going to be surprised about the lung fluid as he thought i was well.Im still hoping that its just a chest infection, the respiratory doctor told me they can take six weeks to clear. Any way im am going to go out for a while today ans try and get my head together a bit and get some fresh air and see the world out there even though I dont feel part of it. Thanks again ann you are all so kind.

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Great idea to get out Teresa I know it’s hard to push yourself but sometimes it can make all the difference so good for you. I do hope it helps and good sign that you can make the effort we know how hard it is. Speak later Anne x x

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hi all just to make life a bit better i have started stuttering, I am extremly stressed so could be that but know it can be a symptom of brain secondarys, i can stop it if i take a deep breadth, as anybody else expirenced anything like this.

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Hi terri,

Glad you’ve been out and about and trying to cheer yourself up. Sorry about your new symptoms. I think you’re right in that it could be caused by stress. If it doesn’t last, it’s very unlikely to be brain mets. I always quote my onc’s words “if it doesn’t last for more than 3 days, there’s no need to tell him because it’s very unlikely to be related to cancer”. I hope your cough has got better with all that fresh air. I’m sure this is stating the obvious: do mention the symptoms and everything you’re worried about when you see your onc on Fri. We’ll all be with you and holding your hands… hoping (and praying in my case, too if you don’t mind) that neither of them are mets related.

I had a lovely day out with friends. Old historical English villages where lots of films are made. Feels a be like a film star for the day!!! LOL!!! Shame they weren’t doing any filming, just lots of tourists. Pic on FB.

xx

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Hi Girls,

Terri sorry that you are so stressed, and I do think the stuttering in a sign of stress!! I know when I am going through an anxious time, it is hard to get my words out! We all think everything is connected to BC,and won’t be convinced until we see the onc an get some answers!! It’s a long wait until Fri,why don’t you have a word with your Gp on Monday, when I was going through a bad spell, I also thought that I would ask for anti depressants,as Anne says there in nothing wrong with getting some help through this rotten time! Please try and stay calm, take some deep breaths, I know it’s not easy,but we are all here for you,take it care .try and rest,sending you lots of love.

M1yu, saw your pics on FB,you look lovely, and didn’t you visit some interesting places, glad you had a good day…just what the doctor ordered!!

Hope everyone else is okay, and having a good weekend, lots of love, Mary xxx

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Hi girls,

Miserable day here in Sussex and doesn’t do much for your mood but my partner has really cheered me up, it’s my birthday tomorrow and she came home from shopping today with chocolates and a big bunch of sunflowers! They are beautiful and make me smile everytime I look at them.

Terri, I know it’s hard not to worry but I think you’re right and it’s more likely stress than brain mets particularly if you can control it with breathing. I hope the week passes quickly for you so the wait to see onc doesn’t seem too long.

Not checked FB yet but sure your photos will be good M1yu, glad you’ve had a good day.

Hope all my other dear friends on here are doing well and have a good weekend.

Love Julie xx

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Hi JulieD
I see it is your birthday today - happy birthday!!
I hope the sun is shining with you (it is glorious here today - Essex) if not I am sure your sunflowers will bring you cheer.

Have a great day

blondie

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thankyou all for your reassuring words. When i was back home and calm the stuttering had stopped so hopefully its just stress, i just feel everything is spiralling out of my control and i am not able to function very well.I will try and speak to somebody tomorrow.