Feeling of hopelessness!

Hi, I am lying in my bed feeling like my life is over. I am usually a strong person but am completely lost at the moment. I was recalled from a routine mammogram as they had seen axillary node enlarged therefore had biopsys taken. Was informed Wednesday that there was cancer cells there but no evidence of lump on mammogram. They took some biopsies anyway & I paid to have an MRI scan so that I had it sooner than it would have been done. My results are on Wednesday but all I can think about is that it’s already spread everywhere as it’s in the lymph node. I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Hello Bella11

Welcome to the forums.  This must be very difficult for you, I’m sure other users will be along to support you soon. 

In the meantime, maybe you would like to talk things through with a member of our helpline staff who are there to offer emotional support as well as practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open again in the morning and normal hours are Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.

Best wishes

June, moderator



So sorry that you have just got this news. It must have come as an enormous shock to you.
I know that waiting for results is such an anxious time - it is sometimes easier once you know what you are dealing with.


Do you have something to distract you for the next few days? Its just until Wednesday, but that must feel like a long time away now.


If you can try to take this step-by-step. You’ve already had your mammogram and MRI, so the next step will be to meet with the team for the results and then to start to put a treatment plan together.


There are lots of treatments available and your medical team will be able to advise and guide you on that.
There are many many people who are treated for bc that has been detected in the lymph nodes. The main thing to remember is that the treatment is there and the medical team will work out what treatment is best for you.


I hope everything goes as well as possible for you on Wednesday.
Keep posting and let us know how you are xx

Hi bella read your post and I couldn’t just read and go as I recognised your fears. I knew the day I was dagnosed with bc that it was in at least a lymph node as it was enlarged on the scan. I had to wait another 5 weeks till surgery and 2 weeks after that for results where I learnt that 4 out of 25 lymph nodes were infected, then came the long ( and I mean long and stressful) wait of 2 more weeks for ct results of body. In this time I imagined the worst ( I’m a staff nurse and believe me you couldn’t think up worse things than I did) I’d planned my funeral etc i nearly collapsed the day I went back for the results and couldn’t believe it when they said all clear. What your going through is completely normal , anxiety is part of being human it’s awful I know but worrying to the point of being ill won’t change a thing. As Monica says there are very many women with lymph node involvement and from a nurse point of view that’s what they are there for to filter out the bad stuff. Try and keep busy do some nice things Hun and all the best on Wednesday this is the worst part of it the waiting for results after that its all doable, take care xx ju

Hi Bella. I felt what you are feeling, and to be fair still do often. I was only diagnosed in jan and am struggling. I was like Lols and planned my funeral. This is a completely normal reaction you are having, as horrible as it is.
I felt riddled with it and paid for a scan like you. I’m still chasing answers. My consultant said its a grieving process - grief for the simple, easy life we had prior to this. I throw up promises to the sky everyday to be a better person, to stop being so materialistic or stroppy if only I get through this!
I may be rambling but I’m trying to say Bella you are not alone and your feelings are normal. I can hear myself saying exactly what you said - I just don’t know what to do with myself. Even when I am trying to keep busy it doesn’t leave my mind- not for a second.
You will start to come to terms with it ; even though we don’t want to!) and you will become calmer when you know exactly how this will be treated. There are so many uplifting stories on here, don’t google ( although I should take my own advice sometimes) We will get through this together. I ll be waiting for your results and will have absolutely everything crossed for you. At this stage we just want someone to say everything will be fine. I can feel your panic and despair coming through in your post and it is like hearing myself 7 weeks ago.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any medical advice, except to agree that there are many many ladies who have come out of this after lymph node involvement. I will say, try to stay calm ( again I should follow my own advice!) and remember there are so many of us going through this together. You are not alone. Big hugs and I will be waiting for your results on Wednesday.
Caroline xxx

Thanks to you all for your encouraging words, it is comforting to know it’s not abnormal how I’m feeling.
I think because I live alone & have no children it is easy to just stay in bed thinking. I have been taking sleeping tablets to get some sleep at night but not a lot. I will make a determined effort today to get up & try & eat even though I feel sick at the thought of it.

Hi Bella
I hope you have had a better day. Thinking about you and hoping things are getting a little easier. Take care
Caroline x

I’m sorry Bella…you’re in the worst possible place right now. It’s so scary.


I know I planned my funeral etc etc (it’s still on my PC) and really couldn’t look into the future at all…it was bleak.


But that was nearly 6 years ago…I had 3 lymph nodes affected and vascular invasion & I thought it was a death warrant…but I’m still here…enjoying life and rarely (very rarely) come on these boards. There are plenty of women who are off enjoying their lives and don’t post here…they’re too busy enjoying themselves. OK, the treatment isn’t pleasant, but it’s so worth it.


I still have my hospital bag and wig on top of the wardrobe…I don’t want to tempt providence.


Just cross one bridge at a time…once you know your treatment schedule you can come to terms with it & just get on with it.


You will get over this…keep telling yourself.

And don’t google!..I scared myself silly.

Hi Bella,


So sorry to hear you have joined the forum and  feeling so low, but there are plety of ladies on here with lots of experience and offer much valued and  appreciated support.

 If it helps I just want to say I am having chemo first (just had my 5th session today). prior to surgery. My tumour was 2.6cm x2.6cm and I had a MRI after second treatment an it had shrunk quite a bit so I will be having a lumpectomy. I was advised this was the best treatment for me and chemo first is becoming more popular. It gives them a clear picture of how effective chemo is working and also eases your mind its doing what its meant to.Chemo is definitely do-able although side effects not great. When I spoke to breast surgeon he said my prognosis was very good. Sometimes we have to put our trust in the team looking after us as they have seen this every day and know whats best for us even though you will have bad days but once your treatment is in place you will feel much more positive and in control. 


sending hugs x


Bella, I completely get the hopeless feeling - on Friday last week, before the call I did not have cancer, but then I did but bugger all informaiton and this week a tonne of tests and a partial diagnosis and possible 4 - 6 week journey ahead of me - If I can do this as a newby you can too - in fact from what I can see on these posts we are not alone - I said to my partner the other day its a journey I dont want to take but I am slowly waking up to the fact that i am a tough old bird (or rather young one - being under 50).  Some days look like they will be easier than others and there is a huge support network I have only started to sractch the surface of - not sure how this forum works re friending - I confress I have not really used forums but today I have found it fanstatis for advice - my partner also gave me some good advice tackle it in small chunks and work on what needs to be worked on first — All the best of the best C

It’s understandable that you feel so hopeless…I think we all do when first dx…we have no control over what’s happening,and that feeling is normal. We’re used to organising our lives…but we can’t do that any more…we have to listen to others…and that’s scary.


When I was first dx I was told it was small etc & I wouldn’t need chemo…fast forward a couple of weeks & chemo was on the cards. I was absolutely scared s…s. I sat in the chair waiting for my first chemo and just wanted to run… But it wasn’t half as bad as I expected. I felt rough sometimes, yes, but just kept my head down, got on with it, and thought 'it’ll be worth it ’ and it was.


It is scary when first dx…you don’t see a future…but there is.


Someone on these boards was told by their onc…‘if you give me a year, I will give you your life back’, That was certainly true for me…but it does seem a long year!

Hi to all for all your kind words, just an update to let you know that I had my first dose of chemo yesterday and apart from feeling very nauseated it was not too bad.
It is nice to read that the feelings I have been experiencing are normal.
I know my journey is only just starting but with all your support I’m sure all of us going through this can find a way through it.