Since New Year’s Eve I have had a feeling of foreboding, like I’ve had my last Christmas etc. My prognosis is not great but not that bad, I have no secondaries (that I know about). Have had WLE (grade 3, 3.1cm with 2 much smaller tumours too), node sampling (5/7 positive), chemo x 6, I finished rads 6 wks ago. I’m seeing my onc this week, so will raise it with him and bcn then. I feel like they are holding something back on me.
All these feelings make me want to do reckless things, not illegal just naughty, in case it’s my last chance. Already I have done stuff I wouldn’t usually, like doing what I want to do rather than what’s expected of me, going away for a weekend with work colleagues to a party, spending far more than usual on myself. Doesn’t sound all that naughty does it, but it’s not normal me.
I’m finding it really hard to fit back in to my life, nothing seems the same any more and no one understands, except you girls and guys. Have others felt like this?
Hi
Your treatment has only recently finished so it is no wonder you feel like you do. Six weeks may feel like a long time but it isn’t.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to treat yourself. I’ve have spent so much money on clothes weekends away etc in the last few months. I used to be a really work obsessed but now feel that life is for enjoying. Although it was good going back to work, I also really resent it when it makes me feel stressed. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a good time so enjoy it. I am several months down the line and now do not feel the need to go on holiday/spend money quite so much! I know it sounds like a cliche but it is no wonder that our attitude to life changes. When I first started treatment I thought that once chemo had finished, I would just slot back into my old life which is not quite the case and maybe it shouldn’t be! Some of it is definately good as I spend more time relaxing and doing hobbies etc which has got to better for us than been stressed! So in conclusion I have definately felt like you do.
Take care
Sherbet
x
I wouldn’t worry about being the person you were - cancer changes you - be the person you are and if that means you do somethings that perhaps you wouldn’t have before - so what. As long as its not illegal as long as you don’t rack up riddulous debts etc - if you want to do something then do it. None of us know what the future brings - I had spent years planning how me and the OH would spend our retirement - probably won’t happen, so if there are things we want to do we do them and enjoy them. Sometimes the thrill of doing something that your oldself would not have done is wonderful medicine in itself.
I know I have been changed - not for the worse but I am far less easy going than I used to be - before I would just fit in with what everyone wanted - now if I don’t want to do something or I am asked about something then I am honest - not rude or awkward but just honest (it has stretched my diplomacy skills a bit i can tell you that). What I know is it is my life and I am going to live it the best way I can doing the things I want to do.
For all the things we hate about this disease it gives you a very different insight into life - we have a chance to really make the most of the time we have - and hopefully it will be a very long time. Some people go before they ever have a chance to get that sort of insight eg road accidents etc (god bless).
As they say lofe is for living - go for it girl and live it to the full
I finished treatment last week and I have been all over the place ever since - emotionally that is. I seem to veer between euphoria and despair. Sometimes I am convinced that I will live to be a cantakerous old bugger and an hour later I am sobbing myself stupid convinced I won’t see next Xmas.
I honestly don’t have a clue how to live with this thing.
My prognosis is not too bad - but so what? This forum is full of women with mets who’ve had good prognoses too.
I don’t want to live each day as if it were my last. I don’t want to beat myself up if I spend more than an hour away from my baby son in case our lives together are going to be cut short by this thing. I look at my passport and wonder if I will live long enough to need another one. That kind of gloomy nonsense creeping into my brain really p*ss*s me off.
There is no guide to how you should live following a cancer dx. In all honesty I am feeling more stressed now than at initial dx. I feel like I am playing some terrible waiting game.
And then I think, what if I do survive this thing and live to die of something else as a very old woman … will I have wasted the intervening years worrying myself senseless over something which is entirely out of my control?
I don’t know.
Sorry - not much help I know. But I just wanted to let you know that I think what you are feeling is quite common.
Just finished my chemo last week and feel a bit at a loss of what to do now - asked my oncologist how we knew if the treatment had worked and he said we dont - we’ll know in 5 years! Think we all have to try and not worry about the future if possible as even those ‘normal’ people without cancer dont know what’s going to happen and maybe we’re the lucky ones who have a chance to rethink our lives a bit. I certainly have tried to get less stressed about stuff and not yell at my kids for putting the saucepans back wrong (bit of an obsession with me)!
Know what you mean msmolly about playing a terrible waiting game - I sometimes get really worried that I didnt know I had cancer the first time so how will i know if it comes back and dont think there really is an answer to that one other than checking a bit more and generally looking after ourselves.
Just wanted to echo what the other ladies have said about not being alone in how you feel. I haven’t even finished treatment yet (have 2 x FEC to go before tamoxifen) but already I have planned so much for this year, partly because I have sat and wondered how long I will live far too many times in the last 6 months and partly because I want to make the most of now rather than put things off until tomorrow. I am hoping my need to spend lessens somewhat but for me spending good times with family and friends has always been important to me and now its more so - its like I have to cram as many memories into the next year as possible.
One thing though I am trying to do in all this “recklessness” (and whilst it doesn’t seem a huge difference between the two statements there is if you think about it) - is rather than live every day as if its your last, live every day as if its your first.
Hi everyone and thanks for your comments, I have found them really helpful, and it is good to know I’m not the only one who feel so different. I quite liked who I was before all this, I will have to get to like who I am now.
Have had a conversation with OH about my fear of dying this year, and that has helped me feel a bit better as before he wouldn’t discuss the prospect at all.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.
I will be 40 in March, so that might have had something to do with all this too.
Hope all are doing ok today, and thanks for being there
I am a year on from finishing my 8 sessions of chemo & 11 months after rads. My last mammogram was clear and apart from induced menopause symptoms, rib pain from rads and headaches from Tamoxifen I think I am ok but I still occasionally get feelings just like you. I too had thoughts over the past two Christmases that they may be my last, I don’t like to plan too far ahead for holidays etc.
When I eventually went back to work I had a totally different outlook and couldn’t actually see the point in what I was doing! I hit 50 two weeks after my surgery and therefore was in the age group where I could put in for early retirement. They agreed and I finished in December 08. I may now be short of cash but it’s the best thing I ever did! I now choose how to spend my days - doing all the things I never had time for and making the most of every day.
Just look at it from the point of view that our health is being checked far more often than most people and as a result we’ll probably live for donkey’s years!
Good for you Jo. I do sometimes think about giving up work, but I am the breadwinner for our family and earn a huge amount more than OH could. However, a real lot has changed at work in the 8 months I was off, and for the first time in my life I am not happy at work. Will see how it goes when I’m back full time after Easter.
i too have days when i feel just like you all. i had to give my business up when i was diagnosed because i would have had to take on a new lease for 3 years and i couldnt see what the future would be, so had to hop out while i could. consequently i do have debts to pay off, but fortunetly my dear mother as given me funding to pay it off if i want. she also gave me some extra and i too have found ive enjoyed spoiling myself and others. i know i need to be careful but some days you just cant be bothered and think what the hell?
and then i tell myself i will stop and something necessary pops up, so ive stopped worrying for now, and try to be sensible but i do live more for each day like you all say.
i must admit i am thinking more of the future lately, i was diagnosed in feb 08, and do have secondaries. i never felt to scared about it, but have had a few shakey moments lately. but im just riding through them, and looking for some enjoyement in each day. i saw a homeless guy today, and thought about how lucky i am that i have a home, and can keep myself clean, i have a lot to be thankful for today, and im going to focus on that.
lets not feel guilty for enjoying our lives, we dont want any regrets in years to come, just happy memories.