feeling so depressed

Public Archive
1

hi everyone,

the sun is shining, i am due to have my last of 6 tax next friday,
you would think i should be feeling ok, but,
i feel rock bottom, i keep feeling as if i am going to cry, i feel really angry, then sad,

no-one to talk to that really understands,

i know i have a lot to be thankful for, so why do i feel like this,

i thought i would feel really happy and excited at the end of my tax,

i carnt seem to snap out of it,

i am struggling to come to terms with how i look following mx and have to go through another one at a later date,

my partner says “hes ok with it”, BUT WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL?

i have tried to talk to him, but wasting my time he thinks he understands but he hasnt got a clue from my point of view.

any advice would be gratefully received liz xx

2

First, try the helpline. They may be able to put you in contact with a “buddy” who’s been through similar. They’re open today from 9-2.

I haven’t had to have Tax, but lots of ladies say it has really affected their moods, so don’t feel as if you’ve failed or that you’re at fault here, it’s a very powerful drug that messes with your head. This isn’t something you can just “snap out of”, so please be gentle with yourself.

Do you have a support centre attached to your hospital that could arrange some counselling? Or could your GP help get you some? It sounds like you might benefit from it.

3

Do you have a force or Mcmillan centre where you live they can really help if you want a coffee and a chat. These centres are in a lovely atmosphere and sometimes have a lovely garden that you can sit and chat. I hope you feel better soon.

4

Hi Liz

I finished Taxotere mid Feb this year and I can empathise with how you feel. As chocciemuffin says the tax definitely appears to affect the mood of many who recieve it. I personally felt very low during the tax, particularly for 10 days post recieving it. I felt as though my life would never be the same again, I wondered if happiness would ever again be mine. 2 months on I can honestly say that those feelings have definitely subsided. However, I do appreciate what you are saying about how you ‘think’ you should feel as you come to the end of this stage of treatment. I think it is underestimated how bc changes your life, changes you, and how you view yourself and the future. Please remember that this is normal to feel anxious, angry and low in mood. Up till now you have had no time to focus on ‘how you feel’ specifically as you have been wrapped up in treatment. Allow yourself time to go through the ‘grieving process’ as that is what we must do to a certain extent. Please speak to a cancer support group or your GP who will be able to support you through this time and suggest a variety of help available to you. We all need to be kind to ourselves and appreciate that in some way, the journey is only just beginning, and take all the support we can get to get there.

I hope this helps, take care. J.

5

Hi Liz, I agree absolutely with jaynek - Tax messes with your feelings. But also I think that it’s very common at the end of treatment to feel like you do - I know I did. I just wanted to get bck to “normal” - but of course, you can’t exactly do that and it takes a while to actually come to terms with the new “normal”. My BCN was great, the local hospital ran a short 6 week “course” for people who had just completed treatment, and it was really helpful to attend that my workplace let me have time off to do it. There might be something like that in your area - if not, your GP may be able to help - mine was incredibly understanding. I would say, give yourself time, be good to yourself and progress at your own pace - not what others (or you yourself) think that pace should be. It’s different for all of us. All the very best with your last tax.

Love, Mo x

6

Hi ladies,

thank you so much for your advice and support,

I will ask at the hospital when I go on Friday, I am pretty sure they will be able to put me in touch with someone who can help,

if they carnt then I will go and see my G.P. when I am up to it, if my last 5 experiences of tax are anything to go by I havent been up to much for about 10 days or so.

It is re-assuring to hear tax messes with your feelings etc, does it mess with your feelings, or does it make you realise things that you maybe turned a blind eye to before…

I definately need someone to talk to, I know that, I havent accepted the way I look at all, and I carnt feel good about myself, I lost a lot of weight previously, not because of illness, I dieted, I feel some how as I did before I lost the weight (I have put a fair bit back on), because I mentally feel unhappy with the way I feel it is having a massive affect on my mood.

Some days I feel o.k. this last few days it just seems to have crept up on me without me even realising it!

Once again ladies thanks for all your support, I will keep you posted.

Liz xxx

7

There’s also a very good article about dealing with the end of treatment, if you google for +“Peter Harvey” +counselling +cancer you’ll get it straight away. Very well written, and he really “gets it” about cancer and the way it messes with your head.

8

hi liz, i think we all feel we should be happy at end of treatment and dont understand why some of us feel low,i dont think anyone can really understand unless going through it too,even though our loved ones
listen and support they dont understand (and we dont know how they truly feel as i bet they try to hide it fron us)please get some help but itis true that tax can do this,we all go through so much it has to have an emotionl effect,i too am thinking of asking for counselling as i feel overwhelmed with it all,you take care love rachel x

9

Hi Rachel,

thanks for your comments, i think i would agree with you about friends and relatives,

at the moment my head has gone west, I know I have changed since my diagnosis and I am hoping it is down to the tax,

I feel like an almost different person, and no longer prepared to take all the c**p off people that I used to, maybe thats a good thing, I will wait until I have finished my treatment, and see whether the old me or a new me emerges!!!

love Liz xxx

10

Liz,
I have been very very fortunate and haven’t had chemo but I too have changed and I’m not prepared to take crap anymore. I feel like the filter between brain and mouth is a lot lot thinner and a lot more stuff gets let out. About 11 months after diagnosis my head got back to a new normal. I’m sure if I’d have had chemo it would have taken a lot longer!!

All the best
Margaret

11

Hello there Liz,

So sorry you’re feeling like you are doing. I havent had chemo, but have heard how it can really mess with how you’re feeling.

Take good care of yourself - it’s such early days for you yet. It’s 6 months now since my mastectomy, and fortunately I didn’t need any other treatment. However, it’s only been this last couple of weeks that my mood has been consistenly better - before that, I could be fine, and then suddenly have a weepy day(s), or where I found myself becoming (unreasonably) impatient over something small. I’ve found I’ve needed much more “me” time than ever before.

Just cos the sun is shining, doesn’t mean you “should” feel better - if only that was the case! I too can really recommend the “Peter Harvey” article - it makes good reading, and I found it very reassuring to read.

I think I’m different person since my mx - there’s definitely a “new me” nowadays, and I don’t take some things to heart like I used to… I just let it be the other person’s problem! I still recognise old parts of me too, so Ive not changed that much! So… good luck in rediscovering the old you as you slowly come through all this c**p, and if there’s a “new you” as well, then embrace her! :slight_smile:

With lots of love,
Shelley xxxx

12

Hi ladies,

there is definately a new me going to emerge from all of this,

my problem is body image,

i havent accepted how i look following the mx (november 2010),

and after i have finished chemo and rads i am having mx other side preventative measure,

i have had bc twice now and i am 44 with a family history, have been tested braca 1 2 ok

i need to get help to come to terms (if i can) with how i look,

the saddest part is i havent got the guts to go for re-construction in case it goes wrong!!!

i knew what i had to do, and still have to do and i have the strength to do it, so why carnt i be grateful and get on with it???

13

Hi Liz,
i’m so with you on this. my last tax is on wed and although i’m counting down the days, my mood can change at the drop of a hat and once i’m down, it’s so difficult to climb back up again.

i too feel that i have no-one to really talk to because no-one else understands how i really feel, family and friends just want to hear that i’m doing ok and so try to reduce the awfulness of the situation by playing it down to ‘buck me up’, “not long left now” “only one more to go”, not what i want to hear. i’ve been battered, mutilated and abused and i don’t want to be cheered up, i want someone to hear my pain and listen to me.

however,i made the decision on one of my good days to try and pull myself up after the nightmare of chemo has ended and use May, June and July as months to ‘rebuild’ and try to find ‘me’ again. i therefore arranged and booked various ‘events’. i’m starting a series of counselling first, arranged through work, a week after my chemo to help me to open up and hear myself. i’ve then got a ‘look good feel better session’ to try to help me to look better and come to terms with my appearance. I’m attending the breastcancer care forum in Manchester to mix with other women who have shared my experience. i have also booked a 2 day course at Penny brohn centre, again to meet other cancer patients and also to learn and about complimentary therapies to support me and help prevent this dreadful disease returning.

my daughter and i have tickets to see ‘take that’ which were booked prior to my diagnosis but which have now become a 'milestone event to celebrate the end of my treatment and a treat for us both to look forward to. Finally my macmillan adviser put me in touch with a charity ‘Homes with Heart’ which have arranged us as a family to have a week in a holiday home in July.

I guess what i’m trying to say is that i too have dark times and i can fall into them so easily, but i have recognised that in my good times i need to make plans otherwise my dark times will just take me over and i don’t want that. i have a lovely husband and 3 children, 19 16 and 1 and i am determined not to let this stinking disease take me from them all too soon.

Be kind to yourself,give yourself space to grieve but also space to live again when you’re ready if that make sense.

Take care

Joanne xx

14

Hi Joanne,

Of course you are so right in what you are saying,

I have 3 loveley children, 12 year old daughter and 8 year old twins,

I just feel stuck in a rut, I know what I need to do in principal, but I dont seem to be able to get motivated to do it, if that makes sense,

there are a couple of major changes i need to make, but not at the moment, the timing is wrong,

in the meantime i need to do what i have to do, and i will definately be taking a leaf from your book and planning things to look forward to

many thanks for your support, it helps to be able to be on the same wave length as somebody that actually understands unfortunately from their own experience,

best wishes to you and your family liz xxxxx

15

Hello Liz and Joanne!

It’s great that you’re going to plan some things to look forward to Liz - top marks to you Joanne for being able to find the strength to be positive and look ahead. I wish you both all the best!

Liz, it doesn’t seem as if you’ve had much chance to grieve about losing your breast, because of the treatments you’ve been having. I had my mx last October, and although I’ve chosen not to have reconstruction, I do still miss my breast even though I’m pleased with how the scar looks. I can look at my scar area with no problem, but still dislike seeing myself lop-sided without the prosthesis, when I’m in nightwear etc.

However, I’m a lot better at the latter than I used to be- I’m telling you this, cos I think it takes time to come to terms with our body image… and there’s just no way we can think “well, in another few weeks I know I’ll be over it”. It’s just a slow and vey gradual process - frustrating at times, and sad at other times, then there’s all the good days, when I think how lucky I am that I’ve had two different but very early forms of breast cancer.

Some people hate the word “journey” but for want of a better word, that’s what it is - a journey towards the “new us” - admittedly minus a breast, and with all the challenges that a new and more positive body image brings!

I wish you all the best Liz, and hope that you can have some emotional “you” time to come to terms with your new body image before you have to think about another step, that of having your second mastectomy.

With love and gentle hugs to you Liz, and also to Joanne!
xxxx

16

Hi Shelley,

how right you are,

i dont honestly know whether i am ever going to feel good about the way i look,

i feel absolutely rock bottom at the moment choosing summer tops to hide instead of flatter my figure,

i know i should be grateful but i just feel like crying all the time, even on a good day i carnt seem to throw this feeling of, sadness off,
i dont know how i am going to do it, i know i will eventually get there and it is as you put it a journey, which unfortunately a lot of ladies have gone on before me, but at the moment i am lost, struggling, and feel very alone,

i knew i would find it difficult i even said to my breast cancer nurse before i had surgery i didnt know how i was going to come to terms with it all,

still trying to find a way,

thanks for your kind words

liz xxx

17

Hi again Liz,

Oh, it’s so difficult isn’t it!! The trouble is that spring and summer fashions are all about showing off our bodies arent they! I can go into a shop and think, “well, I couldn’t wear that, or that, or that…” and sometimes, there may only be one top in the bloomin shop that i could actually wear!

I guess your comments re “not being grateful” are about not having a “worse” cancer and maybe too about being thankful for your lovely children etc, but right now, things have been tough for you with all your treatment, and how it’s affected your body image.

I’ve found friends really helpful in making me feel better about my appearance. One of my friends had a gorgeous black lace tshirt from a local NEXT shop - it’s a proper NEXT outlet shop, but it sells all their ends of lines, and her lace t shirt had only cost £6 instead of £18. She got me two of them, and I’m able to wear them under strappy vest tops. On their own, they’d be too see-through for my mastectomy bras, but with little strappy tops on top, they look great! I never thought I’d be able to wear strappy tops again, but I can.

You know the next time the weather’s hot, if you could take your twins into the local park, let them play while you people-watch. That way, have a good look at what people are wearing, and you might be pleasantly surprised - I was recently at a fair helping my friend at on her stand. We had a quiet period, and I noticed what everyone was wearing, and was glad to see there were a lot of the tops and dresses that I could have worn myself. It made me feel a lot better, as I’ve been really worrying what to wear in summer, as I have a very high cavity, and my “cave” from the missing breast shows quite easily when I bend forward.

I’m going shopping with tis same friend on Friday afternoon in my local John Lewis, as Ive seen some tops in there that I think I’ll be able to wear - they’re round necked tunic tops that are patterned linen-look material.

I couldn’t have written like this a few weeks ago Liz - I think it’s getting those two lace tops that has made all the difference to my confidence. I really hope that something similar happens with you to make you feel a lot better.

But having said all that, it’s still about body image when it boils down to it - I can relate to how you’re feeling, and can feel myself getting a bit upset just now, cos I know how I feel in nightwear - am a lot better about it, but still hate to see the missing boob when am in night clothes. I’m only size 34B anyway - its not like my missing boob was big.

Please keep posting on here Liz - I hope it helps, because it’s horrible feeling alone isnt it! On here, we’re all the same or very similar to each other, but in everyday life, we’re usually/often the only person in our circle of friends/neighbours/colleagues etc that has a missing breast, and even close friends and family can’t imagine what that’s like.

Oh dear, I think I’ve rambled too much here - sorry if it’s not all been useful to you, but I wanted to reply to you, so that you know you’ve got friends on here that are thinking about you.

Lots of love, xxx

18

Hi shelley,

thank you so very very much for your kind words, I can really relate to you with the looking for suitable clothes that come high enough for you to feel confident in wearing,

you are definately right about the summer thing, although i never really followed fashion to the latest trend, i have gained a lot of weight about 3 stones and i dont think that is helping me with my body image either, i think a lot of it is water because my ankles are swollen and i feel quite bloated, my onc gave me some water tablets yesterday to take after my final chemo on friday, hopefully they will help.

Your comments have really helped me to appreciate I am not alone in this place, and it is reassuring to know that.

It is awful but you have to just get on with it, what alternative is there!?

Anyway thanks so much once again, all the very best to you,

Love Liz xxx

19

The Clothes thing is so hard. I have had a MX and hate having one boob. I wish I had had them both done. Everytime I get ready to go out somewhere nice I get frustrated and upset as so many of my clothes either look wrong, are too tight (I’ve put on almost a stone) or are too low or the sleeves too short which look revolting with my Lymphoedema sleeve. The whole thing is just rubbish and I don’t feel the same person anymore.When I look in the mirror it isn’t me. The only good thing is that this forum is here and you don’t feel so alone. Everyone understands exactly how we feel, so Thank you to everyone. xx

20

Hello Liz and Lynberi,

I agree - thank heavens for this forum, where we can support each other and be supported whenever we need it. I’m glad what I’ve written has helped Liz, but you’re right - we have no choice but to get on with things have we.

I was in the bath this evening, and just wishing I had my boob back again. I felt like a child again - you know when children want something that’s just impossible, and how you gently explain to them why it’s impossible. That’s what we’re having to do to ourselves all the time isnt it, about our mising breast(s).

I hope your water tablets work Liz - it must be very uncomfortable for you carrying unwanted extra weight. Breast cancer’s cruel enough without putting weight on - like both of you , I’ve also put weight on too.

Just going back to the clothes thing, it’s great that we have post-surgery bras, but wouldn’t it be lovely if those same places that sell the specialist bras could sell reasonably-priced tops, dresses, nightwear etc that fit “higher up” at the front etc, so that we wouldn’t have the problem of finding suitable clothing!

We need to keep posting here - we all understand each other, cos we’re in such similar positions. However lovely and well-meaning friends are, it’s great to be able to come on here, and know there are so many lovely people who know what you mean and can support you with just the right words you need to hear.

With love to everyone, xxx