Feeling so Down Again.

Feeling so Down Again.

Feeling so Down Again. I am in a state of panic just now as i feel very much like i did just after diagnosis and just cannot face all this anxiety and depression again.

I just seem to be surrounded by people who ‘dont do well’ with BC, having just lost a friend to it and going to the funeral Thursday.

I do know i have come so far its 18 months and just on the tamoxifen now but i hate the side affects.
I have bone liver and lung scan results on Fri, and now have a sore neck and it feels lumpy which is all stressing me out.

I feel hubby and friends havent a clue what its like living with this constant fear.Even people with BC are often very unhelpful especially if they ‘cope’ so well.

What do others do when they feel so fearful and low?


So Sorry Hi Rx

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I’m new to all of this so can’t really offer any advice, but just wanted to send my love.

What do I do when I feel down? Well, I live on my own and have no children, but I do have 5 housebunnies and they are such funny, loving little things. They keep me going, especially Elliott, who licks the tears away when I cry!

Jacki xx

hi ruth sorry to hear your feeling low, i felt very much like that after losing my friend in february…and i know the death of your friend recently hit you as hard, i think loosing our friends to this disease and watching them go through everything brings home to us evenmore how frightened we are. I don’t cope at all well, haven’t done from day one…hence the cocktail of '‘happy pills’ i take…unfortunately i don’t know what to suggest to help you ‘‘pick yourself up’’…i haven’t found anything that works for me…other than popping another pill!!
Hope she doesn’t mind, but i would like to suggest you pm JANERA…she has a wonderful way of putting things especially regarding thos who cope and those like us who don’t …
I take my hat off to those who have the ability to appear to cope better than us, i really admire their strength…
Have you thought about counselling, or some reflexology or accupuncture to try and help you relax…i’m saying any of those things would definetly work.but maybe they might be worth considering???/

I really hope you feel brighter soon ruth…if you find a magic answer please pass it on to me.

karen x

Hi Rx

Really sorry to hear that you’re feeling low. I was really low when I was diagnosed and then again when I finished treatment in February. The Doctors advice was to take a “happy pill” because of all I’d been through but I didn’t even go for the prescription. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to take his advice but I was worried that the pills would only mask how I really feel.

I think you may be feeling low at the moment because of your friend. The only thing I can take out of someone close dying is that they are not suffering any more. My mum died of cancer just before Christmas and that’s the only way I cope with it - knowing that she is not in pain anymore.

I try to put something in my diary for the future that I can look forward to, whether its a day shopping with my daughter or an evening out with friends. I also have a weeks holiday booked which is keeping me going at the moment - don’t know what I’ll do when that finishes!!


back to work …next week…very mixed feelings…i’ll only be doing one day a week but i’ve been “redeployed” because i went through horrible bullying in my last workplace and had a breakdown, so i don’t know anyone and i don’t know whether people are aware i’ve been off and if so, why. don’t know about other folk but i find having to “tell” people really distressing…i was at a course a few weeks ago where i met a whole load of former colleagues, most people didn’t know i’d been ill, and you could see some people kind of backing away as if it was infectious. i’m torn between wanting people to know so that they’ll be understanding, and not wanting them to know because the information is too personal to share with strangers. i have been getting a bit bored and frustrated being off so sometimes i feel quite enthusiastic about work, then i get overcome with panic because i’ve been off so long and have lost confidence. also because my last experience of having worked was so appalling i lost a great deal of faith in humanity and trust in my employers…however i need to remind myself that it’s my choice to go back, i’m only doing it because i’m on a course that i want to finish and need to be working in order to do it, and if it’s too miserable i can walk away…

Catkin Like your last line says - you can always walk away.

As for telling people what you’ve been through, you can make that decision when you meet them. You might find you want to, depending on the person.

So sorry that you’ve been in such an unsupportive work environment. I work in a vet surgery and everyone’s been great, so I’m sure you will find a place where you can be happy too.

If you’re working your way through breast cancer, I’d say you were brave enough to tackle anything. Just do it one step at a time.

I do wish you luck!

Jacki xx

oops this should have been a new topic - sorry!

telling people Hi Catkin
Rats - just posted a reply and lost it. The gist of it was: you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to; be very careful who you tell, and if anyone asks (how dare they be so nosey), tell them you don’t want to talk about it. Or lie.

I dreaded facing people after my op, but was lucky that local friends had known what was happening to me all along, so were tactful and supportive (apart from one thickskinned lady, but who knows, it might have been me had the tables been turned, you just don’t know what other people are going through sometimes). I did not and do not show how devastated I was, and am, though I suspect occasionally they see through me.

I find it hard now, after treatment is all over and I am getting on with my life, it is not mentioned and people don’t know how much I still hurt. One person asked me after about 6 months if I’d got over it now (wanting a yes) so I gave them a yes though I wanted to say “No. I’ll never get over it.” But you just can’t say that to people can you. Not saying what you’re thinking makes you feel lonely, and isolated; hence I post on here…

Some distant old friends I don’t see very often, so did not know about it, I have not been able to tell, except one, and all I told her was I’d had the cancer, and the op, and I couldn’t talk about it, and she didn’t press me to. The others I can’t tell because I don’t expect a sensitive response, which is a terrible thing to say about friends, and maybe I misjudge them, but I won’t take the risk.

I started a new job at the same time this happened (after my op) and nobody there knows and I can only keep myself going by them not knowing how much I struggle with my emotions; if they knew, I would fall apart and not be able to keep up the pretence. In fact, I may not be able to keep up the pretence anyway and may have to stop working for a while, I am finding it really hard at the mo and think I need to allow myself to grieve: until now have found that I do not think about it at all when working, but as soon as work finishes I think of nothing else so have developed thought control techniques to block it out; but I think I have to deal with it now.

Curious how difficult it is to tell people. I think it is because I now feel inferior. I am damaged. Incomplete. I think amputees must go through this. I am broken. I don’t work properly anymore. I am not as good as I was, as others still are. I have crossed a line. I think I am afraid of being judged (treated as) inferior, different. The bc lady. My friends have not treated me as in any way different, but I fear it so I shall be very careful who else I tell.

Good job i dont mind ya hijacking me posting, i thought it wasnt a reply never mind.

Sorry Hi Liverb
Sorry about that.

Feeling So Down Again Hello,

I can remember wanting to know where do all the survivors go? Where do you go to meet them?
I know losing friends is just too much to bear, because you think ‘why am I still here’? and when is going to happen to me? But you are still here.
I also know know what it’s like trying to talk to the people most close to you about your fears, and nothing coming back, it’s because they can’t bear the thought of losing you, but if you take it one gentle step at a time, they should hear you. My other half is just learning that.
I really hope your scans have gone well, I know waiting for the results is like holding your breath under water, and you ‘have’ to be jolly in the meantime, but I so wish you well.
I know you want to hear from ‘old timers’ I was diagnosed four and a half years ago, not that long, but I hope it gives you hope.

Message for Liverbird Hi Ruth

I hope the result tonight has lifted you as much as it has lifted me I see from your posts you have been very down lately. Roll on 23rd May. Unfortunately my husband is a Man Utd fan but we will see tomorrow.

Keep your chin up