Feeling so low

Hi
I was diagnosed in July with 3x grade 1 invasive tumours and had snb in aug which showed lymph involvement and so had left mx, ancillary clearance and ld flap partial recon (no implant) in sept. I will need rads and tamoxifen but am waiting Onco DX result which will hopefully avoid chemo. I feel really silly but went to a group session at my local breast clinic yesterday. Met some lovely ladies but the whole mortality thing hit me about 3 hours later.

Today I had a raft of letters from the NHS with appointments for chemo starting next week even though I don’t get my test results until Wednesday (9th) and had agreed to postpone further treatments until end Oct as my husband is away. For some reason I’ve gone into complete meltdown,… can’t stop crying, don’t want to go on, can’t deal with the pain and how I look… in fact everything I thought I was coping so well with.

i can see my hubby has no idea what to do or say which makes me feel even worse. To top it off I have to go for my flu jab tomorrow, at 9am, on a Sunday! Sorry to whinge but I thought I was doing ok with this and it’s hit me like a train. Any suggestions or is this normal!

Hi Alaval100

I’m sorry you haven’t had any replies as yet but I am sure as the day goes on others will be along to give you some much needed support.  Could I suggest that when our helpline opens on Monday morning you give them a call, they’re here to support you through this.  Calls are free 0808 800 6000 lines open Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 10-2.

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

Hi

YES…the way you are feeling is normal.

You will see many people describe this as a roller coaster. It is normal to have good days and bad days, to be OK at the doctors, then have a meltdown later, or the other way round.

No one can be strong all the time, and we all fear the unexpected and unknown.

You are right, the doctors cannot be certain your lymph nodes are clear until they remove the sentinel node. But they can say there are no signs on ultrasound which makes it less likely you have significant nodal involvement.

These early days are the worst when you feel out of control, so many different appointments, different specialists, finding different places in the hospital, and at the back of it all not yet knowing exactly what you face. I can promise it will get better, slowly, and up and down. But I am now nearly 2 years from diagnosis, and most of the time I don’t think about anything to do with breast cancer.

As for your husband, all he can do in my view is be there, and listen. It is hard for our men too as they feel helpless, but it have to say my husband was great at just holding me when I needed him to listening, and constantly reminding me to just take one day at a time and not look too far forward until I knew what we were dealing with.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so low. Yes, what you are going through is very normal and very understandable I think.

 

It sounds like you are ambivalent about the group sessions ?

 If I was you I would go to a few more and  go with your instincts to find out if they are helpful.                                                                     I hav’nt found a local group, but on balance, I’ve found being on this forum an invaluable ‘next best thing’. HOWEVER, I do also wonder am I making things worse, I seem to think about BC all the time and as you say, the mortality thing. I read one particular thread, and burst into tears right out of the blue.

 I hope I hav’nt misinterpreted your feelings on the group sessions.

 

 Tell your hubby how you’re feeling and ask him how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking. Are you on your own at the moment? 

Give BCC a ring, they’re fantastic, or can you speak to your BC nurses?

I’m concerned you’ve got such a level of pain, please ask what can be done, dont delay.

Everything you are saying sounds pretty familiar to me, and you’re definitely not alone!

I try to keep as occupied as treatment will allow me, tell friends how you are feeling, try and do something nice for yourself everyday,  and get outside and active as you can be - it really does help.

I hope this helps a bit xxx

 

 

Thank you for your lovely reply. It was my first real meltdown since DX and my poor hubby just had no idea what to do so just said “if you feel like that then you don’t have to do the chemo”.

I spoke to my BCN this morning and she was expecting it to hit at some point. She was very reassuring and I’ll see her after my meeting with the Onc on Wednesday. She suggested I speak to a counsellor so would be interested if anyone has done the and has any feedback.

I walked the mile each way to have my fly jab (I live up a steep hill so a bit of a workout when I’m fit) and met a friend for a coffee but it really is exhausting being positive with people isn’t it.

Anyway, feeling a bit better now so thank you for the support. Onwards and upwards :slight_smile: