feeling unloved

feeling unloved

feeling unloved Hi Guys, Hope you are all ok.

Need your help and views yet again! In case you didn’t get my last thread - treatment has now finished and thankfully all is ok - Herceptin done and now just on checkup.

So , Why do I feel so unloved? My husband and I have been fine right throughout treatment even when I was very nervous about the sexual side of things after having had a mastectomy. However, now I feel as though our sex life isn’t really an issue to him and he doesn’t even care. It’s now nearly a month since we even had a cuddle!!! let alone anything else, all I get is a quick peck on the cheek at 6 am when he sets off to work. Our daily life is fine and everything seems ok but when it gets to bedtime I feel so alone and lonely in the bedroom!!! I’m starting to have feelings of insecurity around the ‘making love’ area and I’m not sure how to handle it. I already feel a little less like a woman but now my hubby’s not really making any moves on me I feel completely unloved.

Please help me - your comments are always VERY welcomed.

Clemy XX

Really felt for you reading your post.Think some of reason could be that your husband has tried to not put pressure on you sexually during treatment for fear of hurting you/tiring and then this becomes a no go area .the ice needs breaking!how about setting up a romantic candlelit dinner for two,glass wine soft lights music and things will probably progress naturally.qr sit him down quietly and explain how you feel and he can share his concerns as well.He has in a sense been holding himself together to support you by sounds of it and may see you still as fragile-let him know your not!
hope this is some use!

Hi Clemy This whole BC thing is so difficult, with so much to think about. My experience has been that my partner was worried about how to touch me, what was okay, things like that. He also did n’t want to pressurise me and was really worried about hurting me. I’ve also found that the emotional impact on him is something that he has underestimated. He has been worn out, tired and emotionally drained. He has found it hard not to be able to do much about the situation other than be there through all of the chemo, etc. I think it hits the “macho” side of men in that they are supposed to be strong and look after you but can’t do much about this.

We’ve found that making time for each other just to chill out and have a laugh has helped. Things just seem to progress from there.


So Sorry Hi Clemy,

Sorry to hear you feel unloved I am sure your husband does not do realise how much he is hurting you…just sit him down and tell him how you feel. I know sometimes thats a difficult thing to do after BC, our minds and emotions are all overflowing. What normally we take for granted everyday becomes somehow now seen in a different light.
I know when I finished my treatment I felt so unloved, the routine had gone out of my life and somehow I felt I had lost myself somewhere, after being cared for daily at the hospital following the operation and then everyday for 5 weeks for radiotherapy and having the kindness and security of the breast care nurses it all gets a bit mind blowing. Having had the treatment, your family and friends all think, well thats over now, she should be feeling better. But how wrong they are, I think this is a time when you need lots of TLC, physically and mentally.
Some times it is hard for partners to know what to do or say, because like the woman in all of us, what ever he says or does will be wrong in our eyes, sometimes I feel sorry for them because BC effects them as well.

Take each day, speak to him about you feelings, if you feel that is impossible, there are councillors that you can see to get you through this feeling of being un-loved.

Take care


Hello Clemy,

I was sorry to read that, after completing all your treatment, you are faced with another difficult problem.

I think most people who have been married for a long time will agree that their sex lives go through “quiet” periods. For one reason or another like tiredness, stress, illness, intimacy becomes difficult and can almost become a “stand off” situation where each partner is afraid or unwilling to make a move.

Men are not subtle creatures. My husband is the kindest, most considerate man you could meet, but after thirty years he still thinks a hug is a come on for full sex and cannot understand why sometimes I just want to fall asleep with his arm round me. However, if I say to him “I’m going to warm the bed up”, he knows exactly what I mean!!

From personal experience I think its best not to start talking at bedtime, this just piles on the pressure and takes away any spontaneity. If you can talk during the day about what you want and avoid accusations about what you are not getting from him he may be able to explain what is wrong. So,even if it doesn’t happen that evening, the ice is broken.

Personally, I don’t go for the candles, soft lights. music etc. see
paragraph above “men are not subtle creatures…”

Good luck, keep posting, we are all here to help you if we can.