Hi
my best friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer all I know is she has 2 lumps and is having a mastectomy in next week or so. Im finding it very hard what to do to help. The thought of loosing her petrifies me but I don’t want to transfer that on to her. We are very close and have been through a lot but this is another level I feel I can’t solve this problem and it’s making me so sad. Any tips on what I can do would be helpful. Thank you
Hi Jaxjo. What an amazing friend you are being! Everyone with BC is unique in how they feel and cope. But this is my perspective as someone recently through diagnosis/treatment/ the emotions:-
Stay away from ‘popular cancer language’, such as “fighting”, unless she is clearly taking something from that sort of thing. If she isn’t there is nothing worse than being encouraged to " fight" when it is the last thing on your mind.
Try to encourage humour, be it slapstick or dark. Take your cue from her on this.
Try not to go into obvious overdrive with practical help, she may feel she has just lost entire control of her life and she needs time to think things through. My advice is simply say “once you figure out what will help best, tell me”. Her answer may be far away from what you are considering.
Keep away from Doctor Google.
She may feel ‘disconnected’ from life; hold her hand.
Hold off on the urge to send flowers, chocolates etc. Regular tiny gestures over the months to come will add up to more for her than extravagance at the start.
Don’t nag. Fussing about diet, exercise for instance. Yes later you can support on such, but she has enough challenges without adding more.
Hope this helps.
Hi Jaxjo
I can’t improve on the advice here but I can add a bit. All my friends respected my space. For the first few months I went almost numb and just wanted to hibernate. No one tried to chivvy me out of it. But I also needed to feel sure my close friends were still there for me, at the end of the phone, ready to take me to appointments when I couldn’t make it on my own. One friend came in with me and took notes, knowing we wouldn’t take things in. She would read it back in a matter of fact voice and express no opinion or judgment. She did the same when picking me up after my op. It was like having a PA lol. No one tried to talk to me about it or tell me I was being brave (ugh - hate that - as if we have a choice!) - they took the lead from me. The laughs came later, trying on wigs, teasing the squeamish ones who had to leave when the needles appeared.
I got a lot of pleasure eventually from the little cards and notes, often saying they didn’t know what to say but giving me contact details. I had a veritable fleet of chauffeurs through the whole thing. I’ve learnt a lot about good friendship during the past year.
I hope it goes well for your friend. Maybe you could suggest the PA role for appointments if you want to be involved but don’t see it as rejection if your offer is declined. Whatever you do, don’t let her know how distressed you are (just share her distress - there’s a difference). She will have enough to deal with without feeling responsible for her friends’ emotions - that’s their problem, not hers. Take care - you’ve made a great start x