Feels like a tidal wave!

Hi everyone - I was diagnosed a month ago, Her2 positive and in axillary nodes, and am still in a state of shock.  I was firstly told I would have a mastectomy then chemo and radiotherapy, but once the biopsy results came through, this changed to chemo first.  In the past month I’ve had appointments with consultants, my oncologist, 4 biopsies, a bone scan, a CT scan, heart echo, and today a breast MRI.  Chemo starts on Monday, and I am terrified, it feels like I am about to be pushed into a deep dark hole.  My friends and family have been wonderfully supportive but I am also feeling very overprotective of my kids (all grown up but my daughter is feeling very vulnerable).  I’ve had my hair cut shorter, bought loads of scarves and woolly hats, bought ginger tea, all the mouth products that help with ulcers etc, books, jigsaw puzzles, constructed a huge playlist, signed up to Headspace for meditation, and feel as ready as I’ll ever be.   Daytime is spent keeping as busy as possible, cleaning and filling my freezer with meals so my husband can wack something in the microwave for when I can’t manage. 

But I cry myself to sleep, or can’t sleep at all, and wander the house untl the small hours, in the depths of despair.  Wondering if it has spread, how will I cope during treatment, will my mum (85) cope, will I ever be able to travel the world and fulfill my dreams…

This forum has been really helpful, just reading through people’s experiences, so I just wanted to add mine, and wish everyone the best outcome possible (I don’t think luck comes into it, this is down to the wonderful professional care of the NHS).  Love and positive vibes <3

Hi Tor

your post touched me…so many things you mention I experienced the same. My daughter was in a state over my diagnosis, she was devastated.My Mum (87) felt helpless, she lives 300 miles away.

I cried every night and sleep was difficult.

You have already been through the mill but as you say you have been happy with the professional care you have had.

Try not to be frightened about your chemo , yes you may feel unwell but you will cope as you already have coped brilliantly during the last month.

There are lots of ladies on here to give support and friendship.

loads of hugs


hi tor,
So sorry to hear you are going through this, but there is loads of support here & others going through a similar treatment plan, so you are not alone.
It does feel better once treatment starts & get those travel plans going to celebrate finishing treatment, it was one if the first things my OH & did & we felt better for it.
Managing kids & elderly parents can be tough, but they can also be a great source of support, once the shock of diagnosis has subsided.
ann x

yes Tor, mri scanners are somewhat a surreal experience, but it all helps to get the treatment plan sorted so the little sod is dealt with.
As you say, many, many years yet, onwards & upwards!
ann x

So much of what you said sounded like me, I too have grown up kids that Im worried about one of my daughters in particular but she seems to be doing ok 

I have just dug out all my craft things and hope that I will be able to find the energy to get absorbed in those when the chemo is working on the cancer.

I dont have a start date for chemo yet but it is hopefully soon…I am looking on chemo as my friend and ally it is going in there to kick this cancers butt!! I am imagining it like pacman or alien and on my side.  Yes it will make me feel ill but it is going to save my life


I am having chemo to shrink the tumour and kill cells in my lymphs so much like you perhaps.


I have been buying scarves and hats like crazy too and looking online at how to tie them etc.


I feel like you need to learn an entire extra load of stuff once you get this diagnosis its exhausting and yes I struggle with sleep too, I get up as soon as I wake so my mind doesnt scare me and the house is very very clean :smiley:

Hi Tor, just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own … today, I want to run away, bury my head in the sand and I feel so low. I was diagnosed on Oct 28th and am awaiting the date for m

Didn’t finish … awaiting op date. I thought I was coping quite well but today I’m in a horrible dark place … I think we all believe that other people are coping better than us and we are somehow very weak … anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of us going through the same tidal wave of emotions … xxxx