Hello, I am writing this while most of the world have a lie-in as it’s saturday but I can’t sleep.
I finished rads yesterday, that’s my treatment all done. I was sooooo happy.
Once or twice during chemo/rads I went psycho, usually after a drink. I have a friend who’s still having chemo and she said it’s understandable. But I hate myself, as I am usually such a nice, bubbly, positive person. When it happens it’s like a switch has been flicked and I just want to attack everyone around me and cause as much upset as possible, then when I have gone too far I am so ashamed.
I went Psycho last night - again - and in front of my parents, who had driven 200 miles to see me. If I didn’t live in the ground floor flat I’d throw myself off the roof. We had a really lovely meal last night and then went back to their hotel for a drink. At 11pm just before my taxi arrive to bring me and my boyfriend home, I picked a fight with a group of people in the bar, and even though I was out of order my dad stepped in to make sure these people didn’t kick the s*** out of me - the people were rough types and could quite easily have kicked the s*** out of my dad instead (my boyfriend was at the bar while it erupted or HE could have ended up in a brawl too) anyway it didn’t turn violent but my mum and dad said I was out of line, which I was, but in my inebriated state I would have aruged the sky was pink. I ended up ripping my wig off my head and calling myself a c*** ( which is a word I NEVER use, EVER) and my dad ended up in tears then he went off to his room before my taxi came. I have to go see them for Breakfast and apologise and somehow make it right. They love me unconditionally and I was just on self-destruct last night, and they drove all that way and I won’t see them again for ages and I just wish I could turn the clock back but I can’t.
Please tell me that it is understandable, if not excusable, to go off the rails when coping with something as major as cancer treatment. I am usually so upbeat and positive, I don’t mind talking openly about the whole BC thing but I am never down on myself, until once in a while I just see the red mist…
To make it worse, the last time my parents visited I went off on one in the restaurant and whilst I didnt almost get us all in a fight, my behaviour was embarrassing. So now my parents will think that’s how I behave every time I go out and have a few drinks, which it isn’t 
I know I have to apologise but I am dreading looking my poor dad in the eye. I really want my boyfriend to come with me when I go see them, but he is so tired and likes to sleep in on a weekend. I haven’t made him come to the hospital with me but I really need him this morning, to hide behind so to speak.
At one point in my treatment I even fell out with this forum over something small and stupid - I got a bit graphic when talking about one of my more embarrassing chemo side effects and just one person took offence so rather than saying sorry I took my bat and ball home and stopped posting. And now I need friends again.
I feel evil