finished rads but in despair :(

Hello, I am writing this while most of the world have a lie-in as it’s saturday but I can’t sleep.

I finished rads yesterday, that’s my treatment all done. I was sooooo happy.

Once or twice during chemo/rads I went psycho, usually after a drink. I have a friend who’s still having chemo and she said it’s understandable. But I hate myself, as I am usually such a nice, bubbly, positive person. When it happens it’s like a switch has been flicked and I just want to attack everyone around me and cause as much upset as possible, then when I have gone too far I am so ashamed.

I went Psycho last night - again - and in front of my parents, who had driven 200 miles to see me. If I didn’t live in the ground floor flat I’d throw myself off the roof. We had a really lovely meal last night and then went back to their hotel for a drink. At 11pm just before my taxi arrive to bring me and my boyfriend home, I picked a fight with a group of people in the bar, and even though I was out of order my dad stepped in to make sure these people didn’t kick the s*** out of me - the people were rough types and could quite easily have kicked the s*** out of my dad instead (my boyfriend was at the bar while it erupted or HE could have ended up in a brawl too) anyway it didn’t turn violent but my mum and dad said I was out of line, which I was, but in my inebriated state I would have aruged the sky was pink. I ended up ripping my wig off my head and calling myself a c*** ( which is a word I NEVER use, EVER) and my dad ended up in tears then he went off to his room before my taxi came. I have to go see them for Breakfast and apologise and somehow make it right. They love me unconditionally and I was just on self-destruct last night, and they drove all that way and I won’t see them again for ages and I just wish I could turn the clock back but I can’t.

Please tell me that it is understandable, if not excusable, to go off the rails when coping with something as major as cancer treatment. I am usually so upbeat and positive, I don’t mind talking openly about the whole BC thing but I am never down on myself, until once in a while I just see the red mist…

To make it worse, the last time my parents visited I went off on one in the restaurant and whilst I didnt almost get us all in a fight, my behaviour was embarrassing. So now my parents will think that’s how I behave every time I go out and have a few drinks, which it isn’t :frowning:

I know I have to apologise but I am dreading looking my poor dad in the eye. I really want my boyfriend to come with me when I go see them, but he is so tired and likes to sleep in on a weekend. I haven’t made him come to the hospital with me but I really need him this morning, to hide behind so to speak.

At one point in my treatment I even fell out with this forum over something small and stupid - I got a bit graphic when talking about one of my more embarrassing chemo side effects and just one person took offence so rather than saying sorry I took my bat and ball home and stopped posting. And now I need friends again.

I feel evil :frowning:

Well Clara

To be perfectly honest I think you need to go and see your parents and apologise and tell them that you know you have a problem and are going to get some help

clearly, the BC has put an extra strain on you and the problem has resurfaced

but you need to sort it out

let them know you love them and are very sorry … and then get some help

love FB xx


Ooops i posted a comment in the other thread you wrote.

Allison xxx

Hi Clarabel34

I just wondered if it may help if you talk to someone? You could start with ringing the Helpline, they’re great listeners and they will also be able to signpost you to further sources of help and support if you feel you need it.

Give them a ring if you need to talk, they’re open this morning from 9am until 2pm and Monday to Friday 9am until 5pm.

The number is 0808 800 6000

Kind regards


Hi Clarabel

I hope you can resolve this with your parents as soon as possible. Apologise as soon as you can and get help with your feelings and BC.

I do thjink that you need to speak to someone soon, either the helpline on here or go and see your breast care nurses. They can put you in touch with a specially trained councellor.

Don’t beat yourself up too much, just accept you need help and do something about it.

sending big hugs